Comic Transcripts

Comic #55: The Trouble With Trilogies
Transcribed by Umbreon







The Planet Express ship is in space, closing in on three planets.

LEELA: (inside the ship) The Planet Express ship is out of fuel! We're gonna crash!

Leela is in her chair, struggling with the controls.

LEELA: How can we be out of fuel? I saw Bender loading up the ship with dark matter balls before we took off!

BENDER: They did feel lighter than usual. Normally they weigh like a ton each!

LEELA: The computer reading on my wrist-ama-jig says you put licorice jawbreakers into the tank!

FRY: That's a coincidence. I've got one of those in my mouth right now!

Leela turns in her chair and sees Fry on the floor.

LEELA: The jawbreakers and fuel must have gotten mixed up!

FRY: That explains the weight!

BENDER: Ya think?

FRY: And aren't they made out of Nibbler's...? Eeeeew!

The three of them run down to the cargo hold, where there are boxes with 'Mom's discount escape pods' stenciled on the side.

LEELA: There's no time for potty humor! The ship's about to crash! Luckily we were delivering personal escape pods, so maybe we can use those to not die!

They open the crates and get into their own small pods.

LEELA: Just relax and let the pods put you into suspended animation until you land on a habitable world!

BENDER: My pod smells like beer.

LEELA: I wonder why?

BENDER: (holds up two bottles) Probably all these beers I'm bringing with me!

FRY: My mouth still tastes like...

The pods are ejected out of the belly of the ship and fall toward a planet.


Two men are standing in the middle of a town in what looks like the old west. One man is dressed in all black like a bandit while the other is dressed like a sheriff.

BANDIT: On the count of three, draw!

SHERIFF: Can't we talk about this over a nice sarsaparilla?

BANDIT: For the last time, no! One... two...

An escape pod comes flying down from the sky toward the bandit. It hits the ground right next to him and he screams. The hatch opens and Fry climbs out.

FRY: Where am I?

The sheriff walks up to Fry and shakes his hand.

SHERIFF: Thanks stranger! You done knocked out BLACK BART!

FRY: Oh, sorry about that! Listen, is there a phone around here? I need to try to call Earth.

SHERIFF: I don't know what an Earth or a phone is, but I know one thing! This town's just found a NEW SHERIFF!

FRY: What? No! I'm just crashing through! Plus, I'm roommates with a convicted felon, so it'd make being a police officer weird!

SHERIFF: Then I'm making you my deputy, and I'm not taking "no" for an answer!

FRY: Okay, but just until I get bored!

SHERIFF: Your first duty is to put Black Bart in jail.

BLACK BART: (moans) My brothers will be here by noon tomorrow, and they're going to burn this place to the ground!

FRY: (smirks) Your threats don't scare us... right, sheriff?

Fry looks around quickly.

FRY: Sheriff?

Fry finds the sheriff standing next to a horse that's tied to a post. He's shaking.

FRY: What up?

SHERIFF: I wanted to ride away and leave you in charge, but I'm scared of horses.

Across the street, a man and a woman stand laughing at the sheriff. Next to them is a bird in a cage.

WOMAN: Ha! Ha! Look at the coward!

MAN: You and my canary can have a yellowbelly contest!

BIRD: Yeah, you're pathetic!

FRY: Don't you worry, he's going to stand up to those brothers tomorrow! Right sheriff?

Fry turns and sees the sheriff standing at a dense patch of cactus.

SHERIFF: I tried to run away, but I'm scared of cactus!


Fry and the sheriff are facing a fence that has a row of cans standing on it.

FRY: I've seen a lot of Westerns, and what you need is practice to help you get up your nerve. Ideally, in a musical montage. Now, just shoot those old tin cans off the fence, and I'll be back later.


Fry comes back to the sheriff rubbing a can with a cloth.

FRY: What are you doing?

SHERIFF: I'm shining the biggest can. I figure he's the leader, and I don't want them to hurt me!

FRY: (points toward the street) Let's practice your quick draw. Pretend the brothers are here, and on the count of three, pull out your gun! One... two...

Fry turns and sees the sheriff holding a white flag made out of boxers.

FRY: How did you make that white flag so fast?

SHERIFF: They're my underpants. The trick is getting them on the stick while they're still white.

There are three men with a chicken across the way from them, laughing.

MAN: Ha ha! The sheriff's a bigger chicken than Henny Penny over there!

HENNY PENNY: You said it!

SHERIFF: It's no use, Fry. I'm a coward, plain and simple.

FRY: WAIT! That's IT! I've been trying to get you to do a training montage, when what I REALLY needed to show you was the moral of the film!

SHERIFF: And what's that?

FRY: (scratches his head) Usually, it's be true to yourself.


FRY: Then we make you the greatest coward there is!

And so...

Four men that are dressed in different colored clothes are getting off a train.

MAN: Look, it's Black Bart's brothers: Red Bart, Blue Bart, Yellow Bart, and Disco Sparkle Bart!

DISCO SPARKLE BART: We're here to burn this place to the ground!

They look around the town and see all the buildings are in flames.

BLUE BART: What th--?!

YELLOW BART: It's already burned!

SHERIFF: Yep, sorry about that. I burned it to the ground this morning. I was so scared of YOU doing it, I did it MYSELF.

DISCO SPARKLE BART: Well, that was number two on our to-do list. The other thing was to SHOOT you!

The sheriff lifts his shirt and shows them a large bandage on his side.

SHERIFF: I did THAT, too! I was cleaning my gun this morning and got scared by a moth.

RED BART: Well, brothers, looks like our job here has been done FOR us! Let's go back to Rainbow Junction!

SHERIFF: Well, I'll be danged, Fry! Your idea WORKED! I made myself so pathetic, the Bart brothers left!

MAN: But what about our town?

The sheriff sneers at the man. There's a woman next to him and a donkey behind them both.

SHERIFF: That's what you get for being jerks and laughing at me all the time.

MAN: Good point. We had this coming. We've been bigger jackasses than PHIL here.

He points at the donkey.

PHIL: Agreed!

SHERIFF: So, what's next for YOU, Fry?

FRY: Somehow or other I've got to find my friends.

Out in space, another pod is flaming through the atmosphere.

BENDER: (singing) Ninety-nine cases of beer in my pod, ninety-nine cases of beer! I'll drink another and rob your mother, ninety-eight...

The pod comes down and slams into the back of a truck. Inside it are a man with a brown jacket and a boy with long hair. The boy gasps.

MAN: No time to find out what that sound was, boy! Lord Manumahnuh's catching up to us!

A hairy alien pulls up alongside the truck in a green car.

MANUMAHNUH: There's no escape! Now taste my molotov cocktail!

He tosses a bottle at the truck and the two people inside scream. Bender jumps up and catches the bottle.

BENDER: Don't mind if I do!

He opens the door of the truck and climbs inside the cab.


Bender chugs from the bottle loudly and the humans glare at him.

BENDER: Ooops! Drank that a bit too fast! Excuse me!

Bender climbs over the man driving and belches flame into Manumahnuh's face. He screams and veers off.

MAN: Whoever you are... thanks, mate! I'm Max!

BENDER: The name's Bender. Where are you meatbags headed?


BENDER: Sounds good. Take me just BEYOND there!

Later, they are just outside a fenced off area. There's a sign that reads 'Welcome to Thunderdome a gated community'. A man stops them at the opening.

MAN: What's the password?

MAX: Let us in, or I'll feed you to my dingo!

MAN: That was Tuesday's, but close enough!

The three of them drive inside, park, and get out of the truck.

BENDER: (to Max) None of my business, but you seem really mad at something.

MAX: Oh, I've always been the angry one in my family.

He waves his hand to three men in the crowd. One has a tissue, one has his face painted and wears a kilt, and the last has a shirt with a skull on it and a green mohawk.

MAX: Meet my brothers, Sad Max, Plaid Max, and Rad Max.

Sad Max sobs.

PLAID MAX: Ach! It's good ta' see ya, laddie!

RAD MAX: Awesome robot, dude!

MAX: We're all here hiding from Wylee! He controls the desert!

Bender bumps into the leg of a much larger robot.

BENDER: Hey, watch where you're walking, jerk!

The robot turns angrily.

ROBOT: No one calls Master Blaster a jerk!

BENDER: WOW! You're a BIG one. Listen, would it help if I said I was sorry?

MASTER BLASTER: Yes. Yes, it would.

BENDER: Then I'm SORRY you're a JERK!

MASTER BLASTER: I challenge you to a battle in the THUNDERSPHERE!

BENDER: What's a Thundersphere?

Shortly after, Bender and Master Blaster are standing in a crude ring that has all kinds of weapons hanging from the cage over them.


BENDER: That answers my question.

ANNOUNCER: The rules are simple. Two enter! One leaves! Grab any weapon and begin battle!

Bender grabs a large gun that has a chainsaw blade on the bottom of it.


Master Blaster picks up a similar gun.

MASTER BLASTER: Prepare to die!

Two hours later...

Both robots are looking at large sheets of paper with their guns next to them.

ANNOUNCER: Anytime, fellas!

BENDER: Yeah, yeah, I'm still reading the manual.

MASTER BLASTER: This takes triple Z batteries. Do those even exist?

BENDER: I can't even remember why we're fighting.

MASTER BLASTER: Me neither. Let's call it a draw!

ANNOUNCER: The rules are clear! Only ONE is allowed to leave!


And so...

The guard stands clear so Master Blaster can leave the ring.


Master Blaster opens his chest and pops Bender out like a cassette tape.

BENDER: Wheeee!

Later, Bender is walking down the street with Max.

MAX: So, what do you think of the town?

BENDER: As far as postapocalyptic wastelands go, I'd give it a four!

Max holds up the fingers on his left hand, as well as a finger on his right.

MAX: Out of five?

BENDER: If that makes you feel better. Now, where's the nearest exit?

MAX: Don't go! You could be our leader!

BENDER: I thought YOU were the leader.

MAX: Yeah, but what I really want to do is direct movies. Maybe appear in some tabloids every so often for saying something horrible.

MAN: All in favor of the robot for leader?

The group of people pick Bender up and lift him over their heads.


BENDER: This is all so sudden, but I accept!

VOICE: Send out your leader to be killed!

BENDER: Man, I don't envy THAT poor--

The crowd tosses Bender over a wall.


He lands and sees three vehicles parked outside the city.

BENDER: Hey there! Sorry, no one ordered a pizza. You can leave now!

MANUMAHNUH: That's the one who set me on fire, O mighty Wylee!

A man is a horned mask points at Bender.

WYLEE: Prepare to die!

BENDER: Okay, I'll need about twenty years to get my affairs in order!

A car with a large catapult rolls forward.

WYLEE: Because you are such a coward, we will destroy the whole city instead! Prepare the catapult!

A man on top of the wall yells down at Bender.

MAN: You've doomed us all.

BENDER: That'll teach you to vote!

MAX: You can't give up. Wylee will enslave our people.

BENDER: I don't care.

MAX: He'll destroy our homes!

BENDER: So what?

MAX: He'll shut down our beer bottling plant.

BENDER: Of course, you realize this means WAR!

Manumahnuh stands at the catapult with a knife, ready to cut the rope and launch the boulder.

MANUMAHNUH: Ready to fire, sir!

Bender taps Wylee's shoulder and points at the boulder. Carved into it is 'Wylee is gullible'.

BENDER: Sorry to bother you, I just came to apologize for what my friend Max wrote about you in that rock.

Wylee climbs into the catapult and leans over the rock.

WYLEE: I can't make out this last word. Wylee is gullish? Gullbly?

Bender extends his arm, flicks a knife from one of his fingers, and cuts the rope holding the catapult down. Wylee and Manumahnuh go flying.

BENDER: I think it says "gullible." *he walks away* What a MAROON! What a--

Wylee zooms in front of Bender wearing a jetpack.

BENDER: Nice jet pack!

He takes off running with Wylee flying right behind him.

WYLEE: There's nowhere to hide, robot!

Bender finds a small shack and opens the door.

WYLEE: You're only making this worse for yourself.

Wylee flies into the shack after Bender and slams the door as Bender climbs out of a tin chimney on the roof. He climbs down and sees signs on the side that say 'Danger: explosives' and 'No smoking or jetpacks'.

BENDER: No one hurts BEER while BENDER'S in charge!

He walks away while the shack blows up. Wylee, who has had his clothes burned off and is covered in brown fur, walks up to Bender still wearing his mask and with his arm in a sling. He coughs.

BENDER: Seriously? At least take off your mask so you can breathe!

Wylee takes the mask off. He's got a a fur-covered face and long coyote ears. He holds up a sign that says 'I give up.'

BENDER: Good! Now, which of these roads leads out of town?

Wylee points. Bender looks down and sees the cliff he's standing on stops just in front of Wylee's feet.

BENDER: By the way, there's nothing under you. Beep beep!

Bener takes off running again as Wylee plummets.

CAPTION BOX: Let's see what's up with Leela!

Leela's pod has crashed in some type of jungle and a strap on her shirt is torn.

LEELA: What an amazing world! So beautiful and lush!

An blue-skined alien is partially hidden in the shadows behind her.

ALIEN: Why thank you, stranger! But what we're most proud of is the depth!

LEELA: (points at her face) Oh, sorry. I've got no depth perception!

ALIEN: You can't see 3-D? And your parents let you live? You poor thing!

LEELA: I'm Leela. Who are you, and where am I?

The alien waves his hand to show off the forest.

ALIEN: I am CAMEROON, and this is the home of THE NAIVE!

LEELA: Why are you called the Naive?

CAMEROON: We believe everything we are told.

LEELA: You should stop doing that.

CAMEROON: All right, we will!

There is a huge explosion right behind them. A ship shooting lasers flies over as Leela and Cameroon take off running.

LEELA: What's happening?!!

CAMEROON: It's a group of mercenary anti-environmentalists who are trying to mine under our trees!

LEELA: What do they want? Diamonds? Gold?


They drop and land on the caps of huge mushrooms.

LEELA: That sounds made up!

CAMEROON: And when they get it, they're going to use it to blow up bunnies and squirrels!

LEELA: Then they'll never mate and make squirrunnies!

CAMEROON: Will you help us in our fight against our enemies?

LEELA: Well, our company has a strict prime directive policy where we don't get involved in another world's culture. And one day maybe we'll follow that rule. Count me in, handsome!

CAMEROON: First, I will train you to ride the mighty dragon!

Cameroon leads Leela to an area with four dragons. One is bright green with pink spines and a bow tie, one is all black with large eyes, the third has leathery blueish skin with a bird-like face, and the last is yellow and wearing a blue sash.

CAMEROON: Take your pick, but remember, once you choose, you're connected for life. Or until you trade them in. But remember their value is reduced by half the second they leave the lot!

Leela walks up to the blue dragon and it turns its nose up.

LEELA: He doesn't like me!

CAMEROON: You just have to plug your ponytail into him.

LEELA: Say WHAT now?

CAMEROON: All living things here are connected through our ponytails. Just try it.

Leela joins her ponytail to the end of a long tendril coming down from the dragon's head. They both make a face.

LEELA: Okay, but it makes me want to shampoo for a week!

Later, Leela is on her dragon's back flying close to Cameroon.

LEELA: Hey, this is pretty cool!

CAMEROON: I'll contact the others and tell them you're ready to lead us into battle.

LEELA: No! No! I'm NOT!

CAMEROON: (waves his hand) Keep it down, I'm on the phone! Yeah, she's cool with it! Start the war!

The group flies toward the same ship that was firing lasers before.


CAMEROON: Nice war cry, leader! I wish you could see this in 3-D, it's pretty cool!

VOICE: (from the ship) This is the colonel! Surrender your world and prepare for us to take everything we want!

Leela's dragon swerves and their connection breaks.

LEELA: I can't control this thing!

She falls, crashes through a window on the ship, rolls across the bridge, and stops in front of a blonde man. She quickly stands and kicks him in the chin.

COLONEL: GAH! *holds his face* Ow! What's with the kicking?! You Naive usually do what you're told!

LEELA: I'm not Naive! Now, leave their cantgetnosatisfactium alone, or you'll be brushing your teeth with my boot again!

COLONEL: You don't think cantgetnosatisfactium is REAL do you?

And so...

Leela stands in between two Naive and two humans.

LEELA: Tell them what you told me!

COLONEL: We weren't after any minerals. We were told to keep you scared.

NAIVE: But why?

The colonel holds out a bunch of hair ties in his hand.

COLONEL: If you ever relaxed, you might let your hair down. We work for the largest suppliers of scrunchies in the universe.

CAMEROON: These are the kind we all use to hold our ponytails.

COLONEL: You're a huge market, and they wanted you to keep needing your ponytails to plug into fighting dragons and weapons. No hard feelings?

The colonel and Cameroon shake hands. Cameroon's left leg below the knee is missing and the rest is bandaged.

CAMEROON: Well, I did get my leg blown off in the battle, but get me to a hospital and we'll call it even.

Cameroon turns to Leela.

CAMEROON: Leela, I see you!

LEELA: I see you, too.

CAMEROON: No, take me to the I.C.U. The intensive care unit!

LEELA: Oh, right!


Leela is talking to a nurse. There are tents set up around.

NURSE: He'll be fine! Spare legs grow on trees here.

Bender and Fry walk up to the tent.

BENDER: Hey, look! It's what's her name! From work!

FRY: Leela! You're here on this planet too?

Fry and Leela hug.

LEELA: Fry! Bender! We all landed on the same world?

BENDER: Yep, but the pods went into different orbits so we landed a few days apart!

FRY: I landed in a Western town full of cowboys, and after I helped them, they asked for my advice.

There's a flashback of the burned down town.

OLD MAN: What do we do now?

FRY: Why not build a huge wall around this place in case you're attacked again. And horses are too slow if you need to get away. You should invent cars!

Bender: So they did, and that's when I landed. They wanted me to be their leader, but I was sick of those jerks and told them that I wanted their dessert to myself!

In another flashback, Bender is standing against the wall as people walk past him.

MAX: But where will we live?

BENDER: Not my problem! Keep walking until you find a forest!

Back in the present, Cameroon wiggles his tail.

CAMEROON: So, we did. To tell the truth, it felt good to wear these casual clothes and let our tails out to breathe.

LEELA: But why are you blue?

He holds out a can of blue spray paint.

CAMEROON: We covered ourselves in blue body paint to blend in with the plants as camouflage.

LEELA: Then why not use green paint?

CAMEROON: The blue paint was on sale.

LEELA: I assumed you lived in these woods for generations.

CAMEROON: Nope, two weeks. The people of our planet change our way of life instantly basted on what any outsider tells us.

FRY: I ran into Bender while I was dying of thirst on my own dessert walk after I was left outside of the new wall.

BENDER: (holds up a beer) Luckily I was there to sell Fry some beer.

CAMEROON: And now, we have something for all of you!

Behind some bushes are a few Naive working on the Planet Express ship.

LEELA: Our ship!

CAMEROON: It was a mess, but our whole civilization banded together to repair and refuel it!

FRY: That's so nice of you!

CAMEROON: Nice nothing! We can't survive more of your stupid advice. You've got five minutes to leave!

The ship takes off quickly into space.

FRY: Well, that's another world we've been banned from.

BENDER: That makes an even hundred!

LEELA: At least we got an entire world to work together in peace.

FRY: Yep. They learned the only thing worse than death and war was us trying to help them! It's a good feeling!

CAPTION BOX: 3, 2, 1... and we're done!