Scene – Inside Elzar’s Fine Cuisine
(Cthulhu and Leela are sat at a table having a Romantic dinner.)
Cthulhu: Do my bidding or face the wrath of Cthulhu! (The scene zooms out; a waiter is stood next to the table) This table is much too close to the kitchen!
Waiter: I’m sorry, Sir, it’s all we have available.
Cthulhu: Hrmm… Then bring us breadsticks or face the wrath of Cthulhu!
Waiter: (He walks away) Right away, Sir!
Cthulhu: (He begins to talk to Leela) So, this date is going well.
Leela: Um… Yeah. When my parents told me they signed me up for a blind date service without my knowledge, I was surprised.
Cthulhu: Love Crafters is a great dating service! I intend to destroy them last when I bring the end of days!
Leela: Speaking of the end of days, it’s getting late, and I have an early morning. Maybe we should just wrap this up.
Meanwhile, outside the restaurant…
Scene – Outside of the Restaurant
(Fry is stood in front of the restaurant with a headset on.)
Fry: I can’t believe Leela’s on a date that’s not with me! Luckily, I have a secret listening device inside the restaurant.
Scene – Inside the Restaurant
Bender: Hey, Fry! It’s me, Bender, your secret listening device! Looks like the date’s done. Squidward struck out!
(The scene zooms out; Bender is stood right next to Cthulhu.)
Cthulhu: You should know I can hear you!
Bender: And you should know I don’t care.
(Cthulhu jumps up from the table and runs at Bender while Leela walks out of the restaurant.)
Cthulhu: That’s it! Time to face the wrath of Cthulhu!
Bender: Wanna play rough, huh? Hey, table six, one order of Calamari coming right up!
Leela: “Sigh!” (She walks out of the front doors) Hi, Fry.
Fry: (He quickly takes the headset off) Oh, hey there, Leela, I was just… Um…
Leela: Spying on my date?
Fry: Yeah, sorry.
Leela: I wasn’t even looking for romance. I just wanted a night out to relax!
(They begin to walk together)
Fry: We can have a relaxing evening together!
Leela: No, we can’t. Every time we’re together we always end up running for our lives!
Fry: That’s not true!
(They enter Planet Express, Hermes is running around the lobby whilst flaming arrows and missiles fly around the room.)
Hermes: Run! Run for your lives!
(Leela runs across the room, does a front flip across the lobby and destroys the missiles and arrows with a laser built into her Wristlojackimator.)
ROLL! TUCK! ZAP! DODGE! ZAP!
(The Professor walks over with Hermes; the Professor is holding a gun-like device whilst Hermes is holding a portable chart.)
Professor: Good work, everyone! Now let me get a reading off the both of you!
Leela: “Pant!” Professor? Hermes? “Gasp!” What was that?
Hermes: Your semi-annual surprise stress test! It’s for insurance purposes!
(The Professor zaps Leela and Fry with the gun-like device.)
Professor: Scans complete! Fry, your stress level is very low. Probably because your slow brain hasn’t yet registered the danger you were in.
Fry: What do you…? AAAAH! Flaming Arrows!
Professor: Leela, your stress level is off the chart! You need to learn how to relax or Hermes is going to need a bigger chart!
Hermes: And I love this chart! (He points to Leela) I’m sending you to a yoga studio! That should help you get your yin a bit more yang!
Leela: Fine, whatever!
(Bender walks into the room; he is heavily damaged and broken.)
Bender: “Moan!” Little help?
Fry: Yikes! Bender, are you okay?
Professor: You look like you’ve been in a fight with one of the dark elders of the Universe!
Bender: Yeah, well, you should see the other God!
Professor: Get into my workshop right away! Luckily, we have multiple sets of spare parts for just such an emergency.
Scene – The Downstairs Lab
After a Quick Repair…
(Bender has been repaired, and is sat on a desk next to Fry and the Professor, who is wearing goggles and holding a blowtorch.)
Professor: Yes, yes, you’re perfectly fine except for one small thing.
Bender: Normally, I’d be telling a joke right now about what that small thing is.
Professor: (He takes the goggles off) That’s because your sense of humor file was deleted in the fight. You’ll need to see something really funny to reboot it!
Bender: Really? I feel like I’ve still got it. (He turns to Fry) Let me test my sense of humor. Fry, tell me a joke.
Fry: Okay… Knock knock?
(Bender pushes Fry down the stairs that lead into the hangar.)
(Fry falls down each step.)
THUD! THUD! THUD!
Bender: (He looks down the stairs) Yeah, that ain’t right. I should be busting a piston over that.
Professor: Just make sure you find something to make you laugh!
Bender: There’s a new comedy club that just opened down the street. (He looks down the stairs again) Hey, Fry, you got plans tonight?
Fry: “Moan!” “Mmrmrmr!”
Bender: And after the hospital?
Scene – Outside a Yoga Studio in NNY
The Next Day…
(Leela is walking towards the studio wearing a blur bodysuit and blue shoes.)
Leela: “You have to learn to relax,” he says! Oooh! That makes me so tense! Oh well, how bad could it be? (She enters the studio and Fnog is standing there) Crud buckets!
Fnog: Why, look! If it isn’t my former martial arts student and greatest failure!
Leela: I’m a triple black belt!
Fnog: But you are still a female, which is the greatest failure of all!
Leela: Why you—
Fnog: Still, the law says I must accept all yoga students!
(Dr. Zoidberg walks over wearing a light blue bodysuit.)
Zoidberg: Hi, Leela! It’s me, Dr. Zoidberg! From work?
Fnog: Ah yes, Dr. Zoidberg! My greatest student! He came to me with his mind an empty cup waiting to be filled!
Zoidberg: (He holds his stomach and sticks his tongue out) Can that cup be filled with clam chowder maybe?
Fnog: Let us begin by saluting the Sun! (Leela and the other students begin to exercise; Fnog starts to shout at Leela) No! What are you saluting? Sol or Proxima Centauri? Make up your silly lady mind! (He turns to Zoidberg who is doing the same exercise) Wonderful, Dr. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Stop, I’m blushing! And to my species that’s incredibly painful!
(We see Leela doing another exercise; Fnog is jumping up and down and shouting again.)
Fnog: You cal that a downward dog? More like picking up downward dog doo doo! (Leela starts to stand up) Can’t your simple female brain do the most basic…
Leela: That’s it!
(We see Zoidberg looking down over Fnog, who has been tied into a knot with his limbs)
Zoidberg: What do you call this position, master?
Fnog: Call… Call…
Scene – Outside the Yoga Studio
(Leela is angrily walking away from the studio while Fnog narrates over her.)
“Call an Ambulance.”
Scene – Outside the Bits & Giggles Comedy Club
(A sign outside of the club reads: BITS & GIGGLES – TONIGHT: HOOVER VON DYSON. We hear Bender and Fry from inside.)
Bender: This is gonna be great!
Fry: Ha! With these painkillers I’m on, everything’s funny to me! Even my incredible pain!
Scene – Inside the Club
(Hoover von Dyson is up on stage while Bender and Fry, among other robots, are in the audience.)
Bender: BOOOOOO! You suck!
Hoover: Of course I do, I’m a vacuum cleaner!
Fry: Ha! Boy, it hurts to laugh!
Bender: (He stands up) Nature isn’t the only one who abhors you!
Hoover: Oh, you think you can do better?
(Bender gets up on the stage and pushes Hoover away from the microphone)
Bender: Thought you’d never ask! Step aside, dustbuster! It’s time for some real comedy! Hey, everyone! I’m Bender! Don’t you hate humans?
Robot in Audience: Anti-human comedy? What is this, the 25th century?
Bender: Well, then how about those lousy New New York cabs?
(Two robots that look like Transformers are sat in the audience.)
NNY Taxi Transformer: Hey! I work hard for a living, pal!
Bender: (He starts to sweat) Well, er… That is… Boy, these lights are bright! “Cough!” (He lifts up a towel and wipes the sweat off of his head) Oh man, why did I get that flopsweat upgrade for my head?
Scene – A Street in NNY
Bender: They booed me off the stage!
Fry: Don’t worry, Bender, it’s just comedy. All you need is a hook!
Bender: (The scene zooms out and Bender has a giant hook on him) I still have the one they used to drag me off the stage.
Fry: No, a gimmick! Something that’ll make you different!
Scene – The Planet Express Employee Lounge
Later, at the Planet Express offices…
(Leela is sat on the couch as Dr. Zoidberg enters the room.)
Zoidberg: Leela, I’m sorry you were so terrible at yoga today! It must have been as humiliating as every day is for me when I’m not at yoga!
Leela: It’s all right. I’ll just have to find some other way to find inner peace and calm.
Zoidberg: (He sits on the table next to Leela) If you want to become one with the Universe, there are two ways. I could become your guru. We could work together over a period of a dozen or so years to achieve a state of—
Leela: What’s the second way?
Zoidberg: I have this pill an unethical pharmaceutical company sent me in the mail.
Leela: I’ll take the pill.
Scene – Bender and Fry’s Apartment
Meanwhile, at Bender and Fry’s Apartment…
(Fry is sat on the couch reading a magazine entitled ‘COMIC FUNNIES’ whilst Bender is stood next to him with his arms behind his back.)
Bender: Oh, Fry, there’s someone I’d like you to meet!
Fry: Bender, you’ve got to stop trying to fix me up with the toaster. She’s great and all, but I’ve been burned before.
(Bender takes his arms from behind his back and reveals a small puppet version of Fry; Fry stands up with a confused look on his face.)
Bender: Meet Small Fry!
Small Fry: Hey, ya stupid human!
Bender: He’s my ticket to comedy superstardom!
Scene – Leela’s Bedroom
Later, at Leela’s Apartment…
(Leela is sat on her bed with her hair down and wearing her pajamas whilst looking at one of the pills Dr. Zoidberg gave to her.)
Leela: Come on, Leela. A pill to solve your problems? That’s not you! Just listen to that little voice in your head.
(We see Fnog laughing and shouting at Leela in her imagination.)
Fnog: Ha ha! Look at the stupid girl! Ha ha ha!
(Leela throws the pill into her mouth.)
Scene – Outside the Bits & Giggles Comedy Club
(A sign outside of the club reads: BITS & GIGGLES – OPEN MIKE NIGHT – 50% LESS COMEDY AND MORE WATER IN THE DRINKS! We hear the host from inside.)
Host: A big round of the applause for the head of Gallagher smashing his glass case to pieces! He will be missed.
Scene – Inside the Club
Host: And now, please heat your hands to thirty degrees celsius to give a warm round of applause for the ventriloquism of Bender and Small Fry!
(Bender appears on stage; sat on a wooden stool with Small Fry on his knee.)
Bender: Hey, everybody!
Small Fry: Don’t you hate us humans?
Roberto: Isn’t that bigoted?
Robot in Audience: It’s a dummy that looks like a human saying it, so I think that makes it all right!
Small Fry: We humans are so dumb, we think a megabyte is something you take out of a hamburger!
(The audience begins to laugh.)
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Robot in Audience #2: Ha! He’s saying what we’re all processing!
Bender: And now, Small Fry will sing a song while I get an oil change! (He begins to drink a can of oil)
Small Fry: (He sings) I was born with D.N.A! I’m stupid and born with D.N.A! (To the tune of “Born in the USA.”)
Scene – Behind the Stage
Fry: Bender, you killed out there!
(Bender turns around while holding Small Fry)
Small Fry: (He looks at Fry and whispers) Yeah, we killed, and I’m gonna kill you!
Bender: (He turns around) I said thanks! Let’s go get a watered down beer!
Scene – Fry’s Bedroom
(Bender is walking out of the room; Fry is reaching to turn out the light and Small Fry is on a chair at the end of Fry’s bed.)
Bender: Well, I’m going to sleep. Being awesome is tiring!
Fry: ‘Night, Bender! (He turns out the light)
(A voice is heard in the darkness.)
Unknown Voice: Hee hee hee!
(Fry turns the light on.)
(Small Fry is walking towards Fry with and angry expression on his face.)
(Bender enters the room and grabs Small Fry from Fry’s bed.)
Bender: Hey! Don’t play with Small Fry, you’ll break him!
Fry: He tried to kill me!
Bender: Oh right, my dummy’s evil! You humans and your imaginations! I’ll take him into my room so the dolly can’t hurt you!
(Bender turns around and walks out of the room with Small Fry under his arm. Small Fry holds up a picture of Fry’s chopped off head with X’s for pupils.)
Fry: But… But…
Scene – Leela’s Bedroom
The Next Morning…
(Leela is lying in bed while the alarm clock is ringing.)
Leela: “Moan!” Oh, just shut up!
(The alarm clock appears to have a mouth.)
Alarm Clock: Well, I never! I’m just doing what you set me to do!
Leela: (She sits up) I’m sorry, I… (She sits on the edge of her bed and points and the alarm clock) Wait a minute, you’re not a talking alarm clock!
(The pillow appears to have a mouth.)
Pillow: There’s still no reason to yell at him. And would it kill you to use a dandruff shampoo? I look like winter in Maine!
Leela: You stay out of this, pillow! (She bends over and looks at the pillow) Wait? Pillows don’t speak.
Pillow: You’ve never heard of pillow talk?
Leela: Okay, Leela, just calm down and take a deep breath!
(She opens a window and looks outside; now the Sun appears to have a mouth.)
Sun: Good idea! Hermes was right, you’re too stressed! Now why not have a good breakfast with two scoops of sun-dried raisins!
Leela: It’s the pills! They worked! I’m one with everything!
Scene – A Street in NNY
(Leela looks bored and annoyed as she walks down the street while many objects talk to her.)
Mailbox: Hey, Leela, you should write your parents more!
Owl: Give a hoot! Lose some weight!
Trash Can: Remember to recycle!
(Leela crosses the road.)
Traffic Light: Look out!
Leela: Will you all just shut up?!
(A Taxi swerves around the corner, just missing Leela.)
Taxi: Hey! Look where I’m going!
Scene – Fry’s Bedroom
(Fry is sat up in bed holding a baseball bat; Bender is walking into the room with Small Fry.)
Bender: Hey, Fry, guess what?
Fry: You’re getting rid of Small Fry, and I can finally close my eyes and get some sleep?
Bender: Better! Small Fry and I are booked to do “The 2nite Show!” This is it for us! The big time!
Small Fry: Maybe it’ll be it for you, too, Fry!
Scene – Outside of the NBS Building
(A sign on the building reads: THE 2NITE SHOW. A robot is holding up Conan O’Brien’s head to a Security Guard.)
Conan: But the network said I’d be hosting the show tonight!
Guard: The network says a lot of things. Back of the line, coco!
Scene – Bender’s Changing Room in the Studio
(Bender and Calculon are stood talking while Small Fry and Fry are sat at opposite ends of the room.)
Calculon: Bender, I wanted to meet you before the show!
Bender: We’ve actually met thirty seven times before.
(Bender and Calculon prepare to leave the room.)
Calculon: Really, let’s grab a quick drink in my dressing room, and you can tell me about those, I love stories that involve me.
Bender: Okay. Hey, Fry, look after Small Fry, will you?
(Bender walks outside and locks the door behind him.)
Bender: I’ll lock you in so no crazy fans wander in to bother you!
Scene – Outside of Bender’s Changing Room
Bender: …and that’s how we saved Kwanzaa!
Calculon: Marvelous! Be sure to tell that story when I invite you to the couch!
(Calculon leaves and Bender opens the door to his changing room; Fry is lying on the floor with tattered clothes, holding up Small Fry with a scared look on his face. The changing room is on fire, the walls have been damaged and posters have been ripped.)
Bender: What the--?!
Fry: He started it!
Scene – An Asteroid Field in Space
(Fry’s voice can be heard from inside the Planet Express ship.)
Fry: I’m telling you, that puppet’s evil!
(We see inside the ship, Fry and Bender are sat at the controls.)
Bender: No, he’s not. But so what? I’m evil, and you like me!
Fry: But you rarely try to kill me, and then it’s just for money or when you’re bored! He just hates me!
(Fry and Bender turn around and look at Leela, she is stood shouting at the pilot’s chair.)
Leela: What do you mean “I can’t sit on you”? I was not talking about you to the control panel behind your back!
Bender: Well, at least you’re not the craziest one on this delivery run! By the way, this’ll be my last trip! The Comedy Centrifuge channel offered me and Small Fry our own show!
(Leela is sat in her seat shouting at the ship’s controls.)
Leela: What do you mean “My hands are too cold to let me steer”? Well, I need to, or we’ll…
(The ship crashes into an asteroid, the nose of the ship is jammed into the surface.)
(Fry is seen in a space suit, floating out to the ship’s lodged nose with a crowbar.)
Fry: Why do I have to be the one to dislodge the ship?
Bender: You lost the future coin toss that I’ll do later.
Fry: “Grunt!” I always lose the future coin tosses.
(A voice is heard from behind Fry.)
Voice: Need a hand?
Fry: Yeah, thanks!
(Fry turns around and Small Fry is floating towards him with a crowbar.)
Small Fry: In space no one can hear you scream! They can only see your lips move!
(Bender is sat looking out the ship’s window whilst Leela is still shouting at the ship’s controls. Fry can be seen outside screaming as Small Fry moves toward him with the crowbar.)
Bender: Aw, look outside! Fry made Small Fry an adorable little space suit! I’m so glad they’re getting along.
Leela: I do not have hang nails!
Scene – The Planet Express Hangar
(Fry, Leela and Bender are all walking out of the ship. Bender is holding Small Fry.)
Bender: Fry! Wow, those are some nasty self-inflicted crowbar lumps!
Fry: They’re not…
Bender: Stay right here! I’ve got something I want to show you!
(Bender leaves Small Fry leaning on the wall next to Fry.)
Small Fry: I’m still going to kill you.
Fry: Tell me someone heard that! He talked without Bender around!
Leela: I heard him.
Fry: That means he’s alive!
Leela: Sorry, I hear everything talk, living or not. So it doesn’t mean anything.
Bender: Like I said, the Comedy Centrifuge channel offered me and Small Fry our own hourlong show! Now, we can’t fill that much time on our own, so… (He reveals small puppet versions of Leela, the Professor, Hermes and Zoidberg) Behold… the Bender Buddies! Li’l Leela! Puny Professor! Half-pint Hermes! And Zat’s-A-Small Zoidberg!
The Bender Buddies: We all hate humans!
(Bender’s cell phone rings.)
Bender: That’ll be my agent!
Fry: No! Don’t go!
(The Professor, Hermes and Zoidberg walk into the hangar. Leela runs over to them.)
Leela: Oh, Hermes! Professor! Zoidberg! I have to talk to you! The yoga didn’t work, and the pill you gave me has everything talking to me! Their stupid comments are making me crazy!
(A lamp appears to have a mouth in the background.)
Lamp: Well, you’re not the brightest bulb, either!
Hermes: Leela, I’m so glad you came to me with this… Before you end up costing the company health plan money, you’re fired.
Leela: You can’t fire me!
Hermes: And why not?
(The inside of Hermes’ jacket appears to have a mouth, Leela bends down and listens to it.)
Jacket: “Whipser whisper!”
Leela: (She starts to talk to Hermes again) Because you took a half day off five years ago to go to an extreme filing demonstration downtown and claimed it on your pay as a three quarter day!
Hermes: My greatest shame! But how? Only me and my jacket knew about that! (He shakes hands with Leela) Blackmail accepted, Leela!
(Fry runs over.)
Fry: Run, everyone! The dummies have gone crazy!
Professor: Well, you should know.
Bender: Fry, for the last time, there’s nothing to be afraid of.
(All of the dummies come walking towards the crew.)
Puny Professor: Good news! We’re going to destroy you all!
Li’l Leela: These boots are made for killing, and that’s just what they’ll do!
Fry: Oh, if only you could hear them!
Professor: Of course we can hear them! Bender, have you been using my cloning tanks to make mini-versions of us?
Bender: Maybe. I didn’t know how to carve wooden puppets, and this seemed easier. I also altered their brains to hate humans so that their jokes would seem more sincere.
(Fry is backed up against a wall as Small Fry walks towards him.)
Small Fry: And we do hate you!
Bender: But they don’t hate robots, so I’ll stop them!
(A voice is heard from behind Bender.)
Voice: They might not hate robots, but I do…
(A small puppet version of Bender is stood behind him.)
Bitty Bender: Me! Bitty Bender!
Bender: I didn’t make you!
Puny Professor: No! I did… Out of your spare parts!
Bitty Bender: And you’ve got just enough self-loathing for me to take you apart!
(All of the dummies begin to walk towards the crew and back them up against the wall.)
Fry: Oh no! What’ll we do now?
One Minute Later…
(All of the dummies are dead on the floor in front of the crew.)
Bender: Well, that was easy.
Zoidberg: Yes, fighting much smaller versions of yourself isn’t hard at all.
Fry: All those evil toy movies lied to me.
Leela: Well, that’s solved. But I’ve still got to live with all these voices in my head.
Professor: Oh, fuss and bother, I’ll just install a mental voice mail chip in your head!
Leela: What’s that?
Professor: I use one all the time. You program it to screen the voices of anyone talking to you and you only answer the ones you want. I use it anytime I don’t want to listen to my employees jibber jabber.
Scene – The Planet Express Employee Lounge
One Week Later…
(Fry walks into the room whilst Bender, Amy and Leela are on the couch watching TV.)
Fry: Hey, Bender, sorry that you didn’t get that TV series.
Bender: I just can’t believe who they gave it to!
(We see the TV screen, Bitty Bender is on it.)
Bitty Bender: Hey, folks! It’s me, Bitty Bender, and my human-hating homies!
Amy: I think he’s cute!
Bender: He can bitty my shiny metal ass!
(Fry walks over to Leela.)
Fry: And how’s that voice mail chip working out, Leela?
Leela: It’s great! I can tune out anything I don’t want to listen to! It’s made me much more relaxed!
Fry: How about we celebrate by going on a date tonight?
(Leela remains silent.)
(The voice mail chip in her head activates.)
Voice Mail Chip: Leela can’t make it to this conversation right now. Please leave a message at the beep.
(Fry walks away sadly.)