Scene – Inside the Booze & Fuse Bar, NNY
(Fry pushes Doctor Zoidberg out of the way, whilst holding some giant tweezers.)
Fry: Step aside, Zoidberg! This is a job for Doctor Fry!
(Fry pulls an object out of S.A.M.’s body, a Cyborg who looks like a life-sized version of the board game ‘Operation’.)
Fry: Nuts! I touched the sides!
Zoidberg: So, Zoidberg wins?
Fry: No, you touched the sides fifty-six times! You lost badly.
Fry: When did the bar get this life-sized operating board game?
S.A.M.: Hey! Where are my clothes? And what happened to my funny bone, stomach butterflies, and wrenched ankle?
(Bender runs over.)
Bender: S.A.M., are you okay?
Bender: (To Fry and Zoidberg.) Have you been stealing from my Cyborg pal? For shame! Get outta here!
S.A.M.: (Whilst putting his jacket on.) I must have passed out after our drinking contest, and these guys started stripping my parts like common Jawas!
Bender: I can’t believe they stole your body parts and your wallet.
S.A.M.: I don’t think they took my wallet.
Bender: (Taking S.A.M.’s wallet from his pocket.) Think again.
Scene – Outside of the Bar
Zoidberg: I can’t even win at being a pretend Doctor! I’m a loser, and always will be!
Fry: Look on the bright side! You’re not as bad off as that guy!
(Fry points to Zoidberg’s Uncle, Harold Zoid, who is sat on the sidewalk with a sign that reads: WILL CRACK NUTS FOR FOOD.)
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid!
Fry: You’ve got shameful family business. I’ll see you later! (He walks away.)
Zoidberg: What are you doing out here begging? Your new movie opens tomorrow! (He points to the Theatre, the sign says: HAROLD ZOID IN A LOBSTER IS BORN!)
Harold Zoid: (Holding up the Daily Nightly newspaper, which reads: PSYCHICS NIX PIX – ZOID TO FLOP.) It got trashed in early reviews from the precognition press who saw into the future and hated it!
Zoidberg: (Sitting down next to him.) Have you got room for another family failure? I’ve tried to be a Doctor just like Mom and Dad always wanted.
Harold Zoid: They never wanted you to be a Doctor. They were immigrants who never learned the right word for Lawyer, and Doctor sounded close enough for them.
Zoidberg: What? So they wanted me to be a Lawyer?
Harold Zoid: Yes, don’t blame them. English is a tricky language. For years my parents wanted me to marry a nice tuna sandwich!
Scene – The Planet Express Lounge
Amy: Zoidberg, I need to go online! What are you doing that’s taking so long?
Zoidberg: (Sat on the couch with Amy’s laptop.) I’m almost done trading my Doctor’s license for a law degree.
Man on Laptop: …and we’re done!
Zoidberg: And this is legal?
Man on Laptop: You tell me, you’re the Lawyer!
Scene – Planet Express Conference Room
Leela: What is it, Fry?
Fry: (Holding up Peanut Brittle with two teeth lodged into it.) Don’t you hate it when you’re eating Peanut Brittle and you end up with your teeth in the candy?
Leela: YAAAAH! That’s not very healthy. You really should see Dr. Zoidberg!
(Zoidberg enters the room wearing a blue suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Zoidberg: Doctor Zoidberg is dead!
(Hermes bursts in carrying a gun.)
Hermes: Kill the zombie lobster!
Zoidberg: No, I’m no longer a Doctor! Now I’m just John Zoidberg, attorney at law!
Hermes: I say we shoot him anyway!
Fry: But now where will I find a Doctor I can afford with no health insurance?
Scene – Dr. Zoidberg’s Old Office
(Fry is lying on the operating table in his underpants.)
Bender: (Dressed as a Doctor and holding a wooden stick.) You came to the right place. Old Doc Bender will fix you up! And if you die, your exam is half off! Now open any of your holes and say, “AHHH!”
Bender: (Reading off a clipboard.) According to the first thing I found online, you’ve got Scurvy!
Fry: (Putting his clothes back on.) The Pirate disease? But I avoid Rum and dead men’s chests! Am I gonna die?
Bender: Not if you eat healthy fruits and vegetables.
Fry: I’m gonna die!
Bender: That’s the spirit. I’ll mail you your bill! Now if you’ll excuse me, since you’re dying and it’s Leela’s day off, old Bender’s got a solo delivery to make in Washington, D.C.! (He leaves the room.)
Scene – A NNY Street
(Hattie McDoogal, Morbo and H.G. Blob are all in a car crash.)
Zoidberg: Oh, come on! One of you must need a Lawyer!
Hattie: Not you!
H.G. Blob: Get lost!
Morbo: Morbo rejects your offer and hopes he crushes your spirit like this dashboard is crushing his pelvis!
Scene – Outside of the Planet Express Building
Zoidberg: No one wants me to be their Lawyer. I guess it’s time to do what I do best. Give up.
Scene – Planet Express Conference Room
(Leela’s parents are on the big screen.)
Leela: So, you didn’t like the flowers I sent you, Mom and Dad?
Munda: Oh, they were wonderful and smelled so nice!
Morris: Too nice! We put them in our window sill and our neighbor smelled them while walking by. He said the scent was so nice it short-circuited his brain. Now he’s paralyzed and suing us.
Munda: No Lawyer will come down to the sewer to defend us, and it looks like we’re going to lose the house!
(Zoidberg enters the room.)
Zoidberg: May I be of assistance?
Munda: Leela, who is this handsome-looking young man?
Leela: Handsome? Mother, you need to clean your video screen!
Zoidberg: Mrs. Leela’s Mother, Mr. Leela’s Father, I’ll take the case!
Scene – A Grocery store in NNY
Fry: (Holding a piece of fruit and a small sign with the fruits price on.) Healthy food costs that much? But that’s more than junk food, which actually tastes good!
Grocery Store Owner: Yeah, yeah, either buy something or quit squeezing my Honeydews!
Fry: (Walking out of the store and shaking his fist.) I’ll show you! I’ll just grow my own fruits and vegetables!
Scene – A NNY Street
Organ Dealer: (Peaking around a wall.) I hear you need some seeds!
Fry: GAAAAH! Hey, aren’t you that shifty organ salesman?
Organ Dealer: No, that’s my… clone’s twin brother. (He holds up some seeds.) Let’s do business. I’ll trade you these magic beans for a Cow.
Fry: I don’t have a Cow.
(A Man almost identical to the Organ Dealer appears behind Fry, holding a Cow on a lead.)
Cow Salesman: Wanna to buy a Cow?
Fry: Do I?!
Later, Below Street Level…
Scene – A Court in the Sewers
Raoul: Mr. Zoidberg, your opening statement, please.
Zoidberg: (Pointing toward the Turanga’s Neighbor who is sat in a wheelchair.) Ladies and Gentlemutants! This fellow claims my client’s flowers paralyzed him!
The Turanga’s Neighbor: It’s true! My simple mutant brain that’s used to nothing but filth couldn’t process such a delicate, beautiful bouquet, and now I cannot move my arms or legs!
Zoidberg: I intended to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my clients are not to blame! (He lifts up his arms and shuts his claws, accidently cutting off the Turanga’s Neighbors nose.)
The Turanga’s Neighbor: (He jumps out of his wheelchair and runs away.) AAAAAH!
Zoidberg: I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to…
Raoul: His nose was fake! Which means he couldn’t smell anything! And your arms and legs work just fine! Case dismissed!
Munda: (Running over to Zoidberg and hugging him.) You won!
Zoidberg: I did?
Vyolet: So, what’s a good-looking, successful Lawyer like you doing for dinner “Grunt”?
Scene – Planet Express Balcony
Fry: (Pouring water onto a bed of soil.) Okay, magic beans, I’ve planted you. Now grow into healthy vegetables or a beanstalk to a giant’s gold. Either way is good.
Thirty Seconds Later…
Fry: (Sat down on a deck chair, looking at the soil bed.) Man! This is soooo boring!
One Minute Later…
(Fry has fallen asleep on the chair.)
(A Stalk emerges from the soil bed.)
(The Stalk tickles Fry’s nose.)
Fry: “Snurk!” Knock it off, Bender!
(Fry dozes off again, whilst a green, leafy version of him has grown out of the soil bed, and looks directly at the reader.)
Scene – Planet Express Conference Room
(Zoidberg enters the room with 3 paper bags that have green goo on the bottom of them, whilst Hermes and Amy are sat at the Conference Table holding papers.)
Zoidberg: Hey, everyone! I brought back doggy bags from my dinner date! Of course, it’s mutant food, so it’s all been flushed at one time or another, but if you hold your nose and swallow hard…
Hermes: Just when I think you couldn’t disgust me any more, you kick it up a notch!
Leela: (To Zoidberg.) Well, I want to say thank you. You really helped my parents!
Zoidberg: I only wish there were more mutant lawsuits. Who on the surface world would be desperate enough to use me as a Lawyer?
(Bender appears on the Big Screen in a Jail Cell with the number 13 above it.)
Bender: Hey, everyone, I’m desperate! This is my one phone call. The federal Government arrested me when I was on a delivery in Washington! They’ve charged me with treason! No Lawyer will represent me! I’ll take anyone! Anyone!
Zoidberg: Zoidberg will represent you!
Bender: Let me think about it!
Scene – Planet Express Balcony
Podcast Fry: The most popular sport in the world is Football, or “Soccer” as it’s known in North America.
Fry: (Waking up.) Huh? Oh hi, Fry. What up?
Podcast Fry: When a ball goes out of play, there are various methods to restart the game: a kick off, a goal kick, a corner kick…
Fry: Wait a minute. Why am I green and leafy?
Podcast Fry: …an indirect free kick, a direct free kick, a dropped ball or a penalty kick! The sport is governed by the Federation Internationale De Football Association or FIFA. Founded in 1904…
Fry: Man, I’m boring! See ya! (He leaves the Balcony.)
Podcast Fry: Thank you for listening. Releasing Reproduction spores! (He opens his mouth and many green spores fly out.)
Later, in Washington…
Scene – The Jail holding Bender in Washington
Zoidberg: You’ve been arrested for treason?
Bender: I know, it’s crazy! I love my country. I might even pay Taxes one day! But they say I broke into the White House and stole secret Government documents!
(Bender narrates over previous events.)
“It turns out Nixon secretly videotapes anyone who visits him in the Oval Office.”
(General Zod from Superman is stood in front of Nixon whilst the Headless Body of Agnew is videotaping him from behind the couch.)
Nixon: I like your style, Zod!
“He thinks I stole all the tapes!”
(Bender is seen walking out of the Oval Office carrying a box full of videotapes which reads: SECRET TAPES – DO NOT STEAL! We return to the Jail.)
Zoidberg: And why does he think that?
Bender: There was another secret video camera that caught me doing it, and I had the tapes when they caught me heading back to the Planet Express ship.
Zoidberg: So, you did do it!
Bender: No! I don’t remember a thing about it, and I’ve got a photographic memory card! If they find me guilty, they’ll disassemble me and recycle my parts into a Playground set for orphans! (He grabs Zoidberg and pulls him towards him from behind the cell bars.) Orphans! I can’t let that happen!
Scene – Planet Express Conference Room
(Fry is sat at the Conference table reading a comic which says: ANIMAL FUNNIES.)
Podcast Fry: The first World Cup was a match between Scotland and England held in Glasgow in 1872…
Fry: “Sigh!” I told you I’m not interested in— (He looks up, Podcast versions of himself, Leela, Hermes and Amy are stood around the table.) Hermes? Amy? Leela? You’re all planty now, too? (He walks over to Podcast Leela.) You know the color green really brings out your eye!
Podcast Leela: Polka music originated in he Czech Republic but soon spread to Russia, Austria, Hungary… …Germany, Poland, Sweden…
Podcast Fry: From 1930 to 1970, the Jules Rimet trophy was awarded to the World Cup winner, originally called the World Cup or Coup Du Monde…
Podcast Hermes: The unicycle was based on the Penny Farthing bicycle, a popular means of transportation in the Nineteenth century…
Podcast Amy: When an eclipse occurs in a Stellar Galaxy, it forms what’s known as a Syzygy. The term eclipse comes from the Greek word “Ekliepsis”…
Fry: Aaaah! You’re all so dull!
(Professor Farnsworth enters the room.)
Professor: Sweet Hawking’s Synthesizer! Podcast People!
Professor: They’re spewing spores! Follow me to the Safe Room!
(The Podcast Versions of Fry, Leela, Amy and Hermes spew out more spores.)
Scene – Planet Express Safe Room
Fry: They can’t get to us in here?
Professor: I’m sure they can. This is just where I keep my safes! If the World is doomed, I want to die close to my money!
Fry: What are those things?
Professor: (He kneels down and starts to fiddle with one of the many safes.) In the early 21st century there was a ridiculous fad of going ecologically green. At the same time, the trend of Internet podcasting reached its peak!
(The Professor narrates over a flashback.)
“One mad scientist created a soybean plant you could attach to your head and broadcast podcasts directly into your mind.”
(One of the Professor's ancestors is seen wearing the soybean plant’s headphones.)
“But the bond affected the plants as well.”
“They quickly evolved and began to resemble their owners.”
(The Professor's ancestor is seen staring at a Podcast version of himself.)
“It seemed a fun novelty at first, but you couldn’t turn them off or make them change the subject they were talking about.”
(In the flashback:)
Podcast version of the Professor's ancestor: Some other C.B. trucker slang terms are alligator- a hazardous tire, zipper- the dashed lane markings on a road…
Professor's ancestor: Shut up!
(The Professor begins narrating again:)
“People who once loved podcasts were being literally bored to death!”
(Many Podcast People are seen rambling on to their owners, all lying dead in the street.)
“The World’s Governments banded together, gathered up all the podcast people and blasted them into Space.”
(A Rocket is seen blasting off of the Earth. We return to the Safe Room.)
Professor: (He is inside the safe he was fiddling with earlier.) Legend says they go from world to world decimating planets with their trivial ramblings! If they’re back on Earth, we’re in deadly danger. (The scene zooms out and he is seen holding lots of money whilst inside the safe.) Be a good fellow and lock me in one of these, will you? Help yourself to one of the smaller safes!
Fry: No, Professor, I started this, and I’m not going to die or die trying!
Scene – A Court in Washington
Court Guard: And now the case of America vs. Bender B. Rodriguez! All rise for Judge Whitey!
Judge Whitey: (He sits down.) Hmmmm… I don’t like the look of you or your Lawyer! I’m going to save us all some time and just declare you guilty!
Nixon: (Off panel.) Objection!
Zoidberg: Wait, isn’t that my line?
Nixon: I want this trial to go the full nine yards, be fair and balanced… …also, slow and painful! The world needs to see what happens when someone steals from Richard Milhous Nixon!
Bender: Ha! His name sounds like Bart Simpson’s friend!
Judge Whitey: Very well, Mr. President, a full fair trial it is! Let’s begin!
Hyper-Chicken: Your honor, I may be just a simple hyper-chicken, but this case is sealed as tight as a day-old egg! (He holds up a videotape.) We have video evidence of the defendant stealing the tapes from the office of the President.
Zoidberg: Objection! Video evidence can be very easily faked! I have in my possession a tape of Bender stealing candy from children!
(He presses a button on a remote and footage of Bender stealing lollipops from children appears on the screen.)
Bender: (On the tape.) Ha ha! Got your suckers, suckers!
Children: (On the tape.) WAAAA!
Judge Whitey: That did look real. And you say this footage was faked?
Zoidberg: No, no, he did this last week and taped it to show at the company’s Xmas party! But just imagine if it was fake! Would that be good evidence of his innocence? (He sits back down next to Bender.) (Whispering:) Do you think they’re imagining it?
Bender: I’m imagining having a better Lawyer.
Zoidberg: (Stood in front of President Nixon.) President Nixon, can you explain how my client, a simple bending robot, was able to break into the White House?
Nixon: My Vice President, the Headless Body of Spiro Agnew, is in charge of guarding the Oval office. (Agnew is seen sat down playing a handheld gaming device.) But lately he’s been hooked on his new online video game! He let the pinko robot get in during a routine delivery!
Zoidberg: Is there anything you’d like to add, Mr. President?
Nixon: Yes! You’ll pay for this chrome dome! You’ll pay! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
Court Typist: Excuse me, how many evil laughing “ha”s was that?
Nixon: Three, and one bwah!
Zoidberg: Your honor, breaking and entering is a violent act, and my client is a good, gentle, kind robot who wouldn’t hurt a—
(Bender jumps up and rips Judge Whitey’s desk in half.)
Bender: I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you all!
Judge Whitey: Sweet mayonnaise on toast! Help!
Scene – Planet Express Kitchen
(Fry and Leela are stood among multiple Podcast versions of the Planet Express crew.)
Fry: I’ve locked the doors, but they’ll break trough soon, and once they’re on the streets, they can replicate all of New New York, then the World!
Podcast Leela: The world’s axis of rotation is tilted 23.4 degrees away from the perpendicular to its orbital plane…
Hermes: Can we poison them?
Leela: I’ve tried herbicides, but they do nothing.
Podcast Professor: The first widely used herbicide was 2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid also called…
Leela: They’re not like regular plants. They don’t feed on Carbon Dioxide from people and animals. They feed on our attention when they give us information!
Fry: Can we just ignore them?
Podcast Amy: And now a list of Australian Prime Ministers: Edmund Barton, Alfred Deakin, Chris Watson…
Leela: Soon they’ll be too many to ignore. It seems hopeless.
Fry: I guess I’ll never finish my life’s goal, reading the complete collection of Green Lantern comic books. I’ve made it through Alan Scott and Hal Jordan’s adventures, but the next Green Lantern was Kyle Rayner if you don’t count John Stewart and Guy Gardner…
(The Podcast PE Crew have terrified looks on their faces.)
Podcast Fry: “Choke!”
Podcast Hermes: “Gak!”
Leela: Fry, tell me more about Green Lantern!
Fry: Really? You’re interested?
Leela: Tell me everything, Fry! Every nerdy detail!
(The Podcast PE Crew start to shrivel up.)
Back in Washington…
Scene – A Jail Cell in Washington
(Zoidberg and Bender’s Head are sat on a bench inside the cell.)
Zoidberg: I’m sorry they took away your body, Bender. But why did you attack the judge?
Bender: I swear I can’t remember a thing.
Zoidberg: I wish I could believe you.
Bender: Zoidberg, if I’m lying, I swear I hope to spend the rest of my time on this Earth as a playground bringing love and laughter to families everywhere!
Scene – Outside of the Court
(The Hyper-Chicken is seen buying a hot dog.)
Zoidberg: My client is innocent. I know it. Please let me at least plea bargain a lighter sentence.
Hyper-Chicken: “Bucaw!” Don’t make me cluck! That boy is guiltier than the fox that ate my Momma! You’ve got nothing to bargain with! You want to know your problem? You don’t know how this game is played! (He walks back to towards the Court with a hot dog in his hand.)
Zoidberg: I don’t know how this game is played? That’s it!
Scene – Inside the Court
(Judge Whitey is covered in bandages and the desk has been put back together.)
Judge Whitey: Zoidberg, make your closing argument before I find your client amazingly guilty!
Zoidberg: Thank you, your honor, and I hope your spine, spleen, and coccyx heal quickly! Your honor, my client is not only innocent, he is also not guilty because—
(Bender is slamming his head against President Nixon’s jar.)
Bender: Die! Die!
Nixon: AAAAAH! The tin man’s lost it!
Nixon: (He turns to Agnew who is playing on his video game device.) Agnew! Put down that blasted video game and help me!
Zoidberg: (Leaning down to Bender) Bender, can you tell the Court why you just attacked the President?
Bender: I didn’t. At least, I don’t remember doing it!
Nixon: I’ve heard some lousy excuses for crimes in my time, mostly from myself, but that’s the lamest!
Zoidberg: I disagree and would like to call Vice President Agnew to give new evidence!
Hyper-Chicken: Your honor, we’re in closing arguments and the good Vice President can’t even speak!
Zoidberg: (Pointing to Agnew) He doesn’t need to say anything. I just want him to play his video game.
(Agnew stands up and begins to play the video game.)
(Bender begins to smash his head against Nixon’s jar once again.)
Bender: Aaaah! Die! Die! Kill! Kill!
(Zoidberg then shows the video game device to Judge Whitey.)
Zoidberg: Your honor, I enter into evidence the Vice President’s video game system which has a Wi-Fi connection on the exact same frequency as Bender’s antenna!
Judge Whitey: But why would a video game make a robot raid the White House?
Zoidberg: The name of the game? “White House Raider!” To win the game, you have to rob the White House and kill anyone who gets in your way!
(Zoidberg narrates over past events.)
“My client was making a delivery to the White House when he picked up the video game signal. It took control of him, and he couldn’t control his actions.”
(Bender is seen carrying a box outside of the White House which reads: FLAG REFRESHENER. A signal is seen coming out of the White House and zapping his antenna, making his eyes turn into spinning spirals. We return to the Court room.)
Judge Whitey: Mr. Bender, I’m sorry to say I have no choice but to find you innocent! (He slams his hammer on the desk.)
Nixon: No! Someone has to pay for this humiliation! Agnew! Give your arm a Native American burn!
Scene – The Planet Express Ship
(Bender has his body back and is flying the ship whilst Zoidberg stands behind him.)
Bender: It’s good to have my body back! But one thing I don’t understand, how did you figure out the Wi-Fi signal was controlling me?
Zoidberg: It was something the chicken said. That I didn’t know how the game was played.
Bender: And that made you think of the video game?
Zoidberg: No, it made me realize he was right. I’m a worse Lawyer than a Doctor, so I traded my degrees back to that guy online, then hired him to tell me what to do. He didn’t like being a Doctor anyway. Too many naked fat people, he said.
Scene – Planet Express Hangar
(Bender and Zoidberg step out of the ship to find the building covered in green goo.)
Bender: Hey, what happened here? It looks like the jolly green giant’s bathroom after the stomach flu!
(Fry and Leela walk over; they too are covered in green goo.)
Fry: Oh hey, Bender! I saved the world!
Leela: We were almost taken over by creatures who wouldn’t stop talking. They needed to constantly expell mindless trivia to live. Fry wouldn’t let them get a word in.
Fry: I bored them to death before they could bore us.
Bender: (He puts his arm around Fry) I knew you had it in you!
Zoidberg: Speaking of things in you, report to my office right away! We need to deal with that Scurvy! Doctor’s orders!
Scene – Dr. Zoidberg’s Office
(Fry is sat on the operating table wearing a white tank top whilst Dr. Zoidberg injects his arm with a needle.)
Fry: It’s good to have you back as a Doctor, Zoidberg. And you say this vitamin injection will fix me up?
Zoidberg: Trust me, I know what I’m doing!
(The scene zooms out, and Fry’s lower half is now a sheep’s body.)
Fry: Then why is my lower half a sheep?
Zoidberg: Oh, silly me! I thought this was a Vitamin C injection, it was Vitamin Ewe!
Fry: But you can change me back?
(Zoidberg leans down into a cabinet in the wall and grabs a golf bag.)
Zoidberg: It’ll wear off in a week or so. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a golf date with my Uncle!
(Uncle Zoid enters the room and stands next to Zoidberg.)
Fry: Next week? But how will I live like this? How will I sleep?
(Uncle Zoid and Zoidberg begin to walk out of the room.)
Harold Zoid: Try counting yourself!
Zoidberg: Ha! Good one, Uncle! You’ve still got it!
Fry: (Crossing his arms.) Modern medicine! Baaaaah!