PROFESSOR: (holding up a red letter)... news, everyone! It's a red letter day!
PROFESSOR: It's from my old friend Dr. Möbius who teaches at the University of Heibelbeidel. He's reminded me of this package which I need you three to deliver.
BENDER: Not another package delivery.
FRY: Why US?
PROFESSOR: Well, first, YOU'RE A PACKAGE DELIVERY CREW, and second, one reason is enough.
BENDER: I disagree. I am by nature a binary creature and need TWO options. I demand to be able to express my free will!
PROFESSOR: Hermes, will you show 40% Iron Man here our corporate policy regarding free will. (Hermes smashes a brick into Bender's head)
PROFESSOR: That's merely the short hand version. It's more complicated than that. Here at Planet Express, We APPROVE of free will. In fact, in this story, you can choose from several alternative paths. So, if you want to know what happens next, read on, but if you'd rather follow Bender, go to page 9.
HERMES: Who are you talking to?
PROFESSOR: Why, the reader, of course. But to keep up our facade, I'll tell you I was talking to Scruffy who was reviewing the Human Resources Manual.
SCRUFFY: Scruffy uses it to conceal etch-a-sketch porn.
LEELA: So, what do you want us to to do with this box?
HERMES: (holds up one of the Professor's smaller inventions) The Expositron will explain everything. You'll be back in no time.
FRY: We'd be back sooner if we didn't go at all.
PROFESSOR: No, you missed your chance for that path. Now off you go!
FRY: (now on the ship with Leela and Bender, looking at the Expositron's holographic display of a möbius strip) This makes even less sense than most of the Professor's inventions. We're going around in circles.
LEELA: Just give me a minute to reboot it.
BENDER: No, let ME reboot it: machino a machino.
EXPOSITRON: To reboot normally, continue. To reboot using a mechanical device, go to page 16.
LEELA: How long is this gonna take?
PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Incoming transmission from ZAPP BRANNIGAN!
ZAPP: (on the phone's screen) Leela, it's me, Zappy!
LEELA: I don't wanna talk to him.
ZAPP: Leela, I know you're there, my chesty peanut! (Leela pounds her fist on a 'HANG UP' button)
PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Incoming transmission from ZAPP BRANNIGAN!
ZAPP: It's no use, lover. I have you on MANDATORY REDIAL.
PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: To answer the phone,read on. To ignore the call, go back to the top of the page.
PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Incoming transmission from...
LEELA: (answers the call) Yeah, yeah, what do you want, Zapp?
ZAPP: My men and I are about to enter a deadly battle, so I put in for a furlough. And then I approved it. As luck would have it, I found a coupon in a men's room magazine for a two hour stay at a depravity spa near your present coordinates.
LEELA: (goes to hit a 'CALL BLOCK' button) That does it...
KIF: (jumps in front of Zapp) WAIT! Please, I have something important to say. If I'm about to die in battle, I have something rare and valuable I want you to give Amy! (he holds up a large yellowish something that looks like an incandescent light bulb on a ring) It's a SMIZMAR PROPLON. They're rare and valuable because my species only excrete them once in a lifetime. Would you like to hear the story of how it came to be?
BENDER: (walks off) I'd love to but I'm late for an ass-polishing appointment. Got to keep the old metal girl shiny.
FRY: Uh, me too.
LEELA: I'm sure it's very interesting, so to enhance the experience, I'll be listening from inside a soundproof chamber on level seven.
ZAPP: I'll call you there!
KIF: Well, whoever's left out there... if you want to hear the story told normally, stay tuned. Otherwise, perhaps, you , too, should go to page seven.
KIF: (shows a visual of Kif and Amy in a small boat on a moonlit night kissing) One recent evening, Amy and I were playing -ahem- 'tonsil hockey'... (now the visual shows Kif and Amy with game controls in their mouths) … and by THAT I mean we were playing Wii tonsil hockey. (the visual changes again to show Kif sitting in a chair on a holodeck) Actually, I asked the holodeck to create A SCENE in which we were playing tonsil hockey. (yet again, the visual changes, this time, to Kif in bed, with pen and paper) What I MEAN, is, I WROTE SOME SHEET MUSIC FOR THE HOLOPHONOR in which I asked the holodeck to create a scene in which we were playing Wii tonsil hockey. Of course, it was all a dream, but when I woke up, there was the proplon. I'm going to matter-transport the music and the ring. If I don't make it, please play and give it to Amy, in that order.
To follow the proplon, turn the page. To follow Kif, go to page 19
FRY: (at the controls of the matter-transport with Bender. Nibbler is nearby, eating) Hey, Bender, what do you want your last words to be?
BENDER: I dunno. Probably,'Yeah baby, do that again'. (looks at the proplon in the matter-transport) Hello, what's this? It's that awful ring. I'm going to have fun smashing this (goes to stop on it)
FRY: Be careful, it looks pretty hard. (Bender goes to stomp on it, only to have his foot cup bounce back up and kick himself in the face, knocking himself back into the matter-transport, where he disappears) Oh no! I have to go after him! (picks up the ring and jumps into the matter-transport) I have to tell him I was wrong about how hard this thing is.
LEELA: (comes running in) Nibbler, you can TALK!?
NIBBLER: Not so you'll remember! Once I explain this, I intend to blank your mind: Bender transported away and Fry went after him holding a smizlar proplon, assuring that her would transport to an ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE! To follow Bender's story, go to page 8! For Fry's story, go to page 10! And your story continues on page 11!
CALCULON: Oh, Monique, I promise to never look at another woman again. And to be sure, I had my sex drive replaced with 20 gigs of memory filled entirely with hi-res jpegs of you.
MONIQUE: (sitting on Calculon's lap) You didn't have to, my love. I already had our bodies soldered together.
CALCULON: That explains whey we've been in this same position for two days. What the- !? (Bender suddenly materializes in front of them)
DIRECTOR: Cut! Get off the set! And what's with the cheesy Trek effect? That's scheduled in the NEXT scene.
BENDER: Where am I? Hold it! I am... uh... the Ghost of Valentine's Past!
DIRECTOR: That's what I SAID. You're in the NEXT scene. (throws a script at him) And read the script. Or at least listen to the book on tape like everyone else.
BENDER: (looks at the front page marked 'SCENE INDEX') Oh, not another choice... FIVE choices? That's even worse.
Calculon and Monique make up- Page 8
Fantasy sequence- Page 9
Fry's story- Page 10
Leela's story- Page 11
Zoidberg's story- Page 13
BENDER: I'm feeling a little faint. Maybe if I power down and get some shut-visor... ( a bunch of '0's and '1's are seen, as well as 'Bender is Great', 'Kill all humans' ,and 'I bend, therefore I am' as well) I must be dreaming of the credits of 'The Matrix' (suddenly, 2 fembots- marked '0' and '1' appear, and are pole dancing) Please don't make me choose between these two.
'1': Hey, Mr Bender.
'0': We're going to do some bending for you... (the two fembots bend the poles and morph into a killbot marked '01')
'01': How do you like me now?
DR PERCEPTRON: You are awake. Good. Your night tremors and sleep walking will now end... and be replaced by hallucinations and catatonic wandering.
BENDER: You gotta help me, doc. I got hit in the head and I keep being given choices I don't wanna make.
DR> PERCEPTRON: I can help you. (holds up a hammer and a syringe) I can knock you out with this hammer, and you'll wake up on page 13, or I can knock you out with this needle, and you'll wake up on page 24. Or do nothing, and we'll see where Fry went. CHOOSE NOW!
FRY: (materializes in the middle of a flea market. The sleazy alien proprietor of 'The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe' notices him) Matter transport makes me nauseous. (looks at the ring) or maybe it's knowing where this thing CAME from.
SLEAZY ALEIN: I'll trade you that ring for a Scooty Puff Junior.
FRY: No thanks. I wouldn't even trade it for a Scooty Puff SENIOR.
TRISOLIAN: I will trade you a sip of our latest Emperor for it.
FRY: Been there, drunk that.
ORGAN DEALER: I give you brand new pair of wings. You fly like eagle.
ROBERTO: How 'bout THIS deal, Red: you give me the ring … and I give you a stabbin! HIYAAAA!
FRY: (looks at Roberto's knife) It's tempting, but... (runs into a 'Space Time Porta Portal' potty just left by Sal) I think the wings are a better deal.
ROBERTO: Where you think YOU'RE going, t-shirt?
SAL: Takes it easy with that knifes. I just cames from pages 13. And I'm goings to the next page to sees the chick with one eyes. Joins me, won't yous?
LEELA: (stopping at a Mombil to refuel) I'll refuel, Nibbler. And maybe I can get some aspirin for that headache I get after looking at you too long.
ALCAZAR: Hey, Leela. You're looking passable. Want me to shape shift into a one-eyed snake for old time's sake?
LEELA: Alcazar? Is that you? Are you here to GET gas or just PASS it?
ALCAZAR: Nice one, Leela. Still charming as the day I left you at the altar.
LEELA: You left me...!?
ALCAZAR: (points to a van with a satellite dish on it) I've got my own television network now. I've got thousands of affiliates. Cone on in and see. (takes her inside the van where many screens and controls are seen) I've got satellite tracking webcams all over the universe, and in several alternative universes, too. I even have one on you, Leela. It gets great reception in the shower.
LEELA: Which channel is mine?
ALCAZAR: (points to a screen) That one. (Leela punches him) Ow!
LEELA: Let's watch something else.
TV SCREEN: Viewing choices- Omicron Persei 8 Bender B. Rodriguez 9 Phillip J. Fry 10 Turanga Leela: 11 Dr. John Zoidberg 12 Robot 1X 13
ZOIDBERG: Help!!! Already. (he is tied up and placed on a train track) Space Bandits tied me to these tracks. And the shuttle is coming! (a space shuttle is seen on the tracks coming toward him)
NARRATOR: Is this the end of Zoidberg!? Will he be saved with the CLAWS OF LIFE, or will the NASA commissary be serving lobster stew for lunch!? Zoidberg's fate is in your hands! If you want to see him saved, go to page...
LEELA: Who cares? Put on the Nibbler Channel. (Alcazar changes the channel, and we see Nibbler talking into what looks like a toy phone)NIBBLER: Yes,your Supreme Fuzzliness, the smizmar proplon is being tracked, but it is not yet in our possession. WAIT. Is that a CAMERA? I have to...
(Page 13 is entirely blacked out... the following type is superimposed on the black page)
What happened? Who turned out the lights? Who said that? What's in my pocket? What do we do? If you want to continue, read on. But if you want an explanation, go back three pages. What's under my foot?
Bender, Leela, Fry and Nibbler are now back on board the Planet Express ship.
BENDER: (crushes something under his foot cup) There. That takes care of that.
FRY: So, How did we get back here? (Bender, Leela, and Fry look at Nibbler, who is hiding the smizmar proplon behind his back)
BENDER: I think I know, but I've got a bad headache.
LEELA: (holding her head) Me too. And the worst part of it is... We're lost in space!
FRY: AT least we're not 'Babylon 5'. That show gave me a headache.
BENDER: What do we do now!? Please don't make me make another decision.
FUTURAMA is brought to you by: KEELER'S RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR. 'Don't take chances with randomness'. Whether you can't decide, or just plain don't want to, our RNG can help. For a free sample, go to page : 19
ALSO AVAILABLE: WESTBROOK'S RANDOM CHARACTER GENERATOR 'It's Grjiul!'
LEELA: (starts emptying drawers looking for something) If we're lost, our only hope is to find that old-fashioned global positioning system bought at the old-fashioned flea market.
FRY: The one you bought from that old fashioned flea?
LEELA: (looks under the cushion to her chair) That's the one. Bender, you didn't do anything immoral with that GPS did you?
BENDER: I doubt it. You know, I AM a GPS. Will that help?
LEELA: I doubt it.
FRY: Oh no. I can't find that rare and valuable smizmat pompom ring thing Kif wanted me to give Amy.
LEELA: My advise is to retrace your steps. Where have you been since you last saw it?
FRY: (has his jacket off, and his pockets turned inside out- no on sees Nibbler put something in his jacket) Traversing the space-time continuum.'
BENDER: Leela's right. You better retrace your steps.
FRY: (putting his jacket back on) What's this? (he pulls out the GPS)
LEELA: Fry! You found the GPS! We're saved. I hope it has onscreen directions. It Does. Although they don't make a lot of sense.
GPS: Maintain current course for fastest route or go to Page 22 for safest route.
BENDER: Stupid thing's busted. Here, give it to me.
BENDER: (stomps on it) There, that solves that problem.
LEELA: Bender! Smashing is your answer to everything!
BENDER: No, BENDING is my answer to everything. Smashing's just a lot of fun. (picks up another item) This looks unimportant. I'd like to smash it.
LEELA: No, it's VERY important.
BENDER: Then I'd love to smash it. (stomps on it as well. Nibbler notices a black hole and get's Leela's attention)
LEELA: Oh no! Black hole off the port bow!
FRY: Port? Is that the left side or the right side? I can never remember.
LEELA: Well, you won't have to worry from now on. Because, thanks to Bender, we can't maneuver away! We're completely and permanently boned!
BENDER: Well, in that case, 'Yeah baby, do that again!'
Cubert Farnsworth, Comic Book Critic
CUBERT: Oh please. That's a cheap way to end a story. With a callback! Oh, hello. I'm Cubert and I have a few things to say about this month's FUTURAMA comic. All critical. Like this: Why is Bender so obsessed with smashing? Are we supposed to believe that when Hermes hit him in the head it did something to his destructive-behavior programing? And do we really think the crew is dead? Come on, you can't kill your main characters on page 16!
MORBO: (at the news desk, where Cubert is seen in a screen behind him) That was Cubert Farnsworth with an editorial reply. Opinions expressed are his own and do not represent those of this station. In fact, I for one disagree with him and,accordingly... (Morbo is now seen on a TV being watched by President Nixon) I WILL DESTOY HIM!
NIXON: You give that hippie kid what-for, big head.
BUBBLEGUM TATE: (standing in front of the what-if machine with the Professor) So that's what would go down if Nixon watched the TV news. That is one funkalicious what-if machine, bropro. You musta taken a half court shot at the buzzer to sink THAT mutha.
PROFESSOR: Indeed I did. God only knows.
Cut to the Galactic Space Entity.
GALACTIC SPACE ENTITY: Huh? Did someone invoke the name of God?
YIVO: Anyone home?
GALACTIC SPACE ENTITY: I am always at home. Or perhaps... never.
YIVO: Hey, neighbor. I'm Yivo. Are you the God in your universe? Because I am in mine, and I have some questions.
GALACTIC SPACE ENTITY: If I am, then I will have some answers. If not, no.
YIVO: So, can you manipulate space and time? Because I can't, and it's giving me an inferiority complex among the superbeings in the other universes.
GALACTIC SPACE ENTITY: Well, (takes the Planet Express Ship) I can take this vessel out of a black hole and send it hurtling towards some Me-forsaken planet.
YIVO: That's a neat trick. Seems like you're top of the food chain in your 'verse.
GALACTIC SPACE ENTITY: There is a force much greater than me. It can decide whether to allow one fate to occur by doing nothing,or to jump to page 24 for another.
YIVO: Wow, that's deep.
CUBERT: (in a cameo bubble) Told you they weren't dead.
The Planet Express Ship has crash landed on a planet.
BENDER: Nice landing, Leela.
LEELA: Shut up. You're alive, aren't you?
ZAPP: (runs out from behind a rock with Kif in tow) Leela! Thank goodness your here to save us!
LEELA: Zapp, what happened to you? Did you go to the depravity spa with Kif?
KIF: (to Fry) Do you have the rare and valuable smizmar proplon?
ZAPP: No, we were attacked before we could get away.
LEELA: Attacked? Who attacked you?
ZAPP: THEM! (points to Spheroids bouncing into view)
LEELA: Then this looks like a job for... (suddenly Leela, Fry, and Bender are dressed as Clobberella, Captain Yesterday, and Super King) THE NEW JUSTICE TEAM!
BILL MORRISON: (appears behind a 'pinned back' corner of the comic page) Hi, I'm Bongo head honcho, Bill Morrison. If you want to read more about the New Justice Team, go to Futurama Comics issue #35. If you want to follow this story, keep reading.
BENDER: This is not my idea of a good time. Despite what you may have heard in my recent podcast...
ZAPP: Nice costumes. Could use a bit more velour, though.
LEELA: Has anyone seen Nibbler?
AMAZONIANS: ATTACK! (The Amazonians are seen demolishing the Spheroids)
ZAPP: Wow! Where do you think they learned to bust balls like that?
LEELA: I think I saw a Bryn Mawr sweater.
FRY: (notices Thog is wearing the smizmar proplon) Where did you get that ring? Because I used to have one just like it.
THOG: Thog found in space-time continuum. Where else? Thog make trade...
LEELA: How lucky that you just happened to be here.
THOG: No luck. Thog given rare and valuable ring and brought here by little three-eyed creat...
FRY: (putting on his street clothes) Wait a second. There's something wrong. No one is giving us options to choose from...
FRY: (points to the Brains flying in space craft) I KNEW it! BRAINS! In PLANES! (the Amazonians all run for cover)
KIF: Why are you massive women afraid of brains when you're so brave around balls?
LEELA: Brains... balls... what's the difference?
ZAPP: Not much in my case. (the brains fly overhead making everyone stupid again)
KIF: I put the money in the candy machine, but it just kept it.
BENDER: I am Bender. Insert girder.
LEELA: (acting bashful) You're handsome. Do you want to go to the prom with me?
ZAPP: (staring at Leela's cleavage) I like looking at your shirt.
FRY: (runs off with Nibbler) Oh no. everyone is stupid. Except maybe Zapp. I wish I had that multi-sided die from when we were in Cornwood or Bender's fantasy, or wherever the hell we were. (Nibbler hands him a piece of paper with a Tetrakis Hexahedron 'net' and directions) What's this? A drawing of a 24 sided die? Ooh, and instructions too.
INSTRUCTIONS- cut this panel out, then cut the shape out, tape it together, and you have a die. Number it, roll it, and go to that page! Unless you've gone stupid, then just read on.
LEELA: (back to piloting the ship) I don't know exactly how, but we're back on course, and we can deliver that package to Dr. Möbius now, and everything will be back to normal.
BENDER: Not quite. What about that rare and valuable smizmar proplon? Fry lost it, remember?
FRY: (holds up the ring) No, look! Here it is! I have it!
BENDER: That's impossible. I just picked that pocket and there was nothing in it. What gives?
WERNSTROM: Perhaps I can help.
WERNSTROM: (is a hologram floating above a device on the floor) That rare and valuable smizmar proplon has strange and unusual physical properties like being able to shift between alternate universes. In another universe, Fry got it back somehow.
BENDER: (holds his foot above the hologram's projector) Explain how he got it back or taste the force of my foot cup.
WERNSTROM: I'll do better than explain it, I'll show it. Thanks to a creature who has satellite tracking webcams all over this universe. And several alternative universes, too. (points to a comic panel covering the bottom left of page 20, in which Fry and Thog make a trade) There's a layer of paper blocking your reception. Someone needs to cut it out along the edge of the monitor.
LEELA: Hmmm. We're down the rabbit hole here, people.
WERNSTROM: Actually, if you'd like to go down the rabbit hole, read on. If not, I suggest you turn back to page 14.
BENDER: Here's what I suggest...
BENDER: (stomps on the device) A smashing perfor... (he falls through a hole he stomped and lands in Wonderland) WAAAAAH!!!! (he lands hard on his ass) ...mance. (looking around he sees the Planet Express employees as characters from Alice In Wonderland- including Leela as Alice, Fry as the White Rabbit, Nibbler as the Cheshire Cat, and Zoidberg as the Caterpillar) does anyone know what to do for a robot with software tissue trauma?
HERMES: I DO! (Hermes is dressed as the Queen of Hearts)
BENDER: Hermes? Look, I'm not much for literary allegory but you shouldn't be the Queen of Hearts.
HERMES: I agree. But we ran out of characters. Besides, I'm here to remind everyone to stop jerking around like a green snake in Wonderland. If you want to follow this story, go to a library and read 'Alice In Wonderland' by Lewis Carroll. If not, turn the page and... (swings an axe) OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! (Fry's, Leela's, and Bender's heads go flying)
BENDER: (wakes up on the ship) Whoa, I just had the weirdest dream.
FRY: The one with the robogo-go dancers?
BENDER: No, this one reminded me that we have a package to deliver.
FRY: Oh yeah, we've got that delivery to make.
LEELA: Do we even know where this package is supposed to be delivered? (looks at the box) There's no address.
BENDER: Open it.
FRY: No! The Professor said not to.
LEELA: No he didn't. You're talking about that alternative universe box the Professor created years ago.
FRY: (worried) No, I'm sure he said not to look inside THIS box.
BENDER: Stop it! Stop fighting! I have the answer!
LEELA: No, Bender, no!
FRY: Don't smash the box! Please!
BENDER: Smash the box? I'm not a smasher. I'm a Bender. If you want to know what the Professor said, go to 2. Otherwise, read on...
LEELA: (looks in the box) This isn't FOR Dr Möbius. It's FROM him. It's for Professor Farnsworth.
Later at Planet Express...
LEELA: Professor, this package is for you.
PROFESSOR: It is? Oh my.
FRY: (hands the smizmar proplon to Amy) And Amy, here's a rare and valuable gift from Kif.
AMY: Thanks, Fry. I'll put it with the others. (she throws it over her shoulder where it lands in a large pile of other rings identical to it)
BENDER: So was all this craziness caused by the smizmar proplon, or my being hit in the head, or the box?
FRY: I don't want to make another decision so I'm going to say 'yes'.
PROFESSOR: (opens the package) How exciting! There's a note. 'If you want to know what's in the package, go to page 1' (pulls out a red letter from the box and holds it up) Good...
THE REAL END