Comic Transcripts

Comic #43: Welcome To My Nightmall
Transcribed by Umbreon







Leela and Fry are sitting at a table in a restaurant looking at menus, all dressed up. Leela has on a black dress with her hair up and Fry is in a brown suit.

LEELA: It all looks so good, I can't decide. How about you, Fry?

FRY: Hmmmm... I think I'm in the mood for fish!

LEELA: Fry, that's very rude!

He turns to see the waiter standing next to him with a notepad is a fish-like alien.

WAITER: No, no, the customer is always right. I'll have the chef fry me up in a dill and butter sauce.

FRY: On second thought, I'll have a burger.

WAITER: Very good, sir. Oh, bus boy! Report to the kitchen!

A bull-looking creature wearing an apron and carrying a tray with dishes stops, looking worried.


WAITER: Your bill, sir!

LEELA: Thanks for treating me to dinner, Fry.

FRY: No problem at-- *he takes a closer look at the bill* AAAAAAH!

LEELA: What's wrong? Is it too expensive?

FRY: There was a SPIDER on the bill. Man, I'm freaked out by those. Now to look at the bill... AAAAAAH!

LEELA: I can pay my half. It's not like this was a DATE or anything. We're just here as friends.

FRY: Yeah... you always make that clear. But no, I've got this.

Fry pulls out his wallet and takes out a red credit card.

Seconds later...

The fish waiter comes back with the card.

WAITER: Excuse me, sir, your card has been declined, and your credit card company has asked us to destroy the card... AND the credit card holder!

Fry runs down the street, chased by both the waiter and Elzar who are holding knives.

LEELA: Don't worry about me. I'll take a cab home!


The next day, Fry is at Big Apple Bank.

FRY: I'd like to check my account balance, please.

ROBOT: According to our files, you're checking account is overdrawn by thirteen dollars.

FRY: (crosses his arms) Nuts! Well, I'll cover that next payday!

ROBOT: You don't understand. You took money from the bank that we didn't want to give you. Technically, that's BANK ROBBERY.

FRY: But a sensible person could see the difference.

ROBOT: Sadly, I'm just a simple bankerbot. Such grey areas are beyond my programming, and I've triggered my internal silent alarm.

Fry runs down the street, URL and Smitty behind him.

URL: Get back here, baby! I got a cravin' to do some taserin'! Aw yeah!


Later on, Fry is talking to the professor in the lab.

FRY: ... and THAT'S why I need a raise.

PROFESSOR: I see. That's a very compelling series of reasons.

He points downward to Fry's hands. One has a puppet of Fry, while the other is the fish waiter holding a knife.

PROFESSOR: And I appreciate the use of puppets to explain it. But raises aren't in Planet Express' budget right now. Times are tough, and we all have to tighten our belts! *he turns to a large gold robot* Now, if you'll excuse me, I've almost finished building my SOLID GOLD BUTLER!

BUTLER: More caviar, sir?

FRY: Professor, I demand to be paid what I'm worth!

PROFESSOR: Very well then.

Bender is sitting on the couch in the lounge when Fry marches in.

BENDER: So what happened?

FRY: My salary's been cut in half! I'll show THEM! I'll get a SECOND job!

BENDER: And WHAT'LL that show WHO again?


Fry is in a restaurant called 'Speed Force Burgers'. All the employees are dressed like different versions of The Flash. Fry has a blue uniform with a white bolt on it.

MANAGER: Okay, Fry, just relax and have fun! And remember, we pride ourselves on being the FASTEST fast food!

Later, Fry is at a cash register while people zoom around behind him making food.

CUSTOMER: I'd like a burger, fries, and a chocolate shake!

FRY: Okay!

CUSTOMER: I'd like to make a complaint! Speed Force Burgers guarantees my order will be ready a second after I give it. I've waited a whole three seconds already. I don't have that kind of time to waste!

Fry is later handing his uniform to the manager.

MANAGER: Fry, you checked the box on the application that said you were a genetically-enhanced super speedster.

FRY: Yeah, that was a lie.

MANAGER: If it makes you feel any better, this is the fastest anyone's ever been fired from here!

And still later...

Fry is a cabbie for a space taxi. An orange alien in the backseat.

ALIEN: Come on, MOVE it. I'm in a rush!

FRY: I can't go faster than the speed of light!

ALIEN: Can't you fold space using a wormhole?

FRY: Not without getting a ticket!

ALIEN: I'LL pay it!

Later, Fry is sulking on the steering wheel while his passenger talks to a cop. There's a large, purple-ish wormhole in the background.

ALIEN: And then he said, "I'm going to use an illegal wormhole!" I tried to talk him out of it! I'm going to sue the company!

And even more later...

Fry is standing at an open front door talking to Hattie.

FRY: I'm selling the internet door to door.

HATTIE: I have that on my computer.

It turns out Fry is holding a book strap and has a huge pile of books behind him, all of them tied together.

FRY: But now you can have it in easy to read BOOK FORM. Please buy it! It's really heavy to lug these around!

And later still...

Fry is on the sidewalk, sitting behind a large crate with a 'lemonade' sign on it. There's lemons, a jug, and some cups on top.

FRY: Lemonade! Get your fresh squeezed lemonade!

A moment later, three very angry aliens show up. They have yellow skin and lemon-like heads.

FRY: I SWEAR, it's just powdered drink mix!

Later, Fry marches into his and Bender's apartment with his clothes ragged. Bender is sitting on the couch watching All My Circuits with a beer.

FRY: That's it! I give up!

BENDER: That's the spirit! If all humans are like you, the robot takeover is going to be SO easy!

Fry goes into his bedroom and collapses in bed.

FRY: Man, failure is exhausting. I'm going to take a nap!

He drifts off and begins to dream. There is twisted colors and evil-looking versions of Leela and the professor.



DREAM-FRY: Hey, that's not nice. Well, I don't have to listen to THIS!

He tries to lift his foot, but it's covered in yellow goop.

DREAM-FRY: Aw nuts, I can't leave! My feet are stuck to the floor like it was a movie theater!

Suddenly, Sal shows up with a large knife.

DREAM-SAL: Lemme help youze out!

He slices the gunk away from Fry's foot.

DREAM-FRY: Thanks! Hey, that's a great knife!

DREAM-SAL: It sure is. Watch it cut through this diamond!

A large diamond suddenly appears and Sal easily cuts it in half.

DREAM-SAL: And still it cuts through a tomato so thin youze can reads though it.

He cuts up a tomato and holds a slice up in front of a sheet of paper that has gibberish written on it.

DREAM-FRY: I can't read that.

DREAM-SAL: Of course youze can'ts. This is a dream! Now, do youze wanna buys this set of steak knives or what?

DREAM-FRY: Wait, so you're REAL? Is this one of those ADS they put in people's dreams?

DREAM-SAL: Yeah, but nows they're sendin' real salespeople in to gives it a personal touch. Now are youze gonna buys somethin', or are youze gonna be a jerk?

Fry wakes up and walks into the living room.

FRY: Bender, I just bought a set of steak knives in my dream!

The door bell rings and when Fry answers it, there is a three-eyed, red-skinned alien holding a package.

ALIEN: Set of steak knives for Philip J. Fry!

FRY: That's ME!

Bender stands and grabs Fry by his shoulders.

BENDER: Fry, you FOOL! Don't you SEE! When you buy in the DREAM, you buy in REAL LIFE!

Fry looks at the package. There is a large 'Dreamco' logo on it.

FRY: The company address is here on the package... sounds like interesting work.


Fry is at the front desk at Dreamco. Sal is there leaning back with his feet on the desk.

SAL: Aw geez, it's incredibly dull work! I just quits because of boredom, so it's a good time to apply! I'm gonna leaves as soon as I stop being too lazy to get up! Here's my manager, Morrie!

MORRIE: Greetings, mortal!

Fry turns and sees a person with pale skin, long shaggy blue hair, and a long black cloak surrounded by fog.

MORRIE: Welcome to the world of THE DREAMING!

An older, balding man shows up.

MAN: Morry, you know we have a dress code! Put your tie and badge on... and turn off the smoke machine!

MORRIE: Yessir, Mr. McCreadie.

Morrie puts on a white shirt and a long black tie.

MORRIE: You're hired. I'll show you how things work.

Fry is sitting with a helmet that's wired to his chair and a small controller.

MORRIE: This machine is the Narcotronic 3000. It puts you to sleep and sends YOUR subconscious into SOMEONE ELSE'S dream.

FRY: So I get to sleep while I work? Sounds GREAT!

MORRIE: Get the dreamer to buy something from our catalog. If you think of the item, it'll appear in the dream. Make the sale and have them enter their credit card into the reader unit. You'll have it in your hand in real life AND in the dreamscape! When you want to leave, press the red button.

He turns to a switch on the wall.

MORRIE: Now just relax and... *sees Fry is asleep* Hey, no sleeping before we MAKE you sleep!

Fry screams as he falls into the dreamscape, passing stairs and random roads. He lands in a nice looking room that has a tv, a couch, leopard-print rug, and a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket.

DREAM-FRY: (ooofs) Well, at least I landed on this comfy velour couch!

VOICE: Ready, darling? I'll be right there!

Zapp walks in wearing a robe and holding two glasses.

DREAM-FRY: Zapp Brannigan?

DREAM-ZAPP: FRY? What are YOU doing in my romantic dream? This is very disturbing! *he glances down* You think you can trust your own subconscious. Well, at least you're not KIF again.

DREAM-FRY: I'm sure a woman will be showing up shortly!

DREAM-ZAPP: (looks hopeful) Leela?

DREAM-FRY: (glares slightly) No! NOT Leela! But I'm sure the girl who does show up would like a nice present!

DREAM-ZAPP: Yes, women DO enjoy presents! Good thinking, lad! But where to BUY one at this late hour, while I'm still sleeping!

DREAM-FRY: (holds up a plate) How about these president Nixon collector plates?

DREAM-ZAPP: I WAS planning on eating after the romantic shenanigans. This kills two birds with one stone. WELL DONE, dream Fry!

Dream-Fry holds out his credit card reader.

DREAM-FRY: Just enter your credit card number here. Good luck!

After dream-Fry gets the number, he hits the red button on the pad and poofs away in a cloud of smoke. Once he's gone, a woman that looks remarkably like Zapp wearing a red coat shows up.

DREAM-WOMAN: Hello, I'm here for our date.

DREAM-ZAPP: Yes, yes, this'll do just fine!

Dream-Fry shows up in a different dreamscape, lying down with is head on a pillow.

DREAM-FRY: Hmm... well at least THIS dream is well lit.

Nurse Ratchet leans over Fry's bed. There are straps pinning down his chest, legs, and arms.

DREAM-NURSE RATCHET: The patient is ready for the operation, doctor!


DREAM-NURSE RATCHET: Don't worry, the best surgeon in the universe is on call tonight.

Zoidberg walks in with three other doctors, two men and one woman.

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: My ears are burning! I left a bucket of whale ears in the microwave too long, go get me some more from the commissary, nurse!


DREAM-FRY: I repeat... AAAAH!


DREAM-MALE DOCTOR #1: Won't stop screaming and trying to break free!

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: Treatment options?

DREAM-FEMALE DOCTOR: I say we keep trying things until we almost kill him, then save him in the last five minutes while we build the romantic tension between us through witty put downs like they do on the hospital tv shows.

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: Excellent! Then let's get started taking out organs!

He pulls back Fry's blanket and now his body is made up to look like the box of an 'Operation' game.

DREAM-FRY: What the--?!

DREAM-MALE DOCTOR #2: Now remember, you can't touch the sides!

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: (holds up a huge pair of tweezers) I know! I got my degree from the Milton Bradley School of Medicinology!

Zoidberg stabs at one of the openings in Fry's body, causing a loud 'ZAP'.


DREAM-ZOIDBERG: Sorry. A little bit shaky my claw is! My salt levels must be low from hunger! Where are those whale ears?

DREAM-FRY: Dr. Zoidberg, what if I were to tell you I have a device that'll keep your foods fresh for YEARS? It's a SEAFOOD DEHYDRATOR.

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: I could make my own seahorse jerky. Think of the savings!

Fry holds out his credit card pad.

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: My credit card number is entered. What now?

DREAM-FRY: Press the red button!

Zoidberg presses the button and Fry poofs away.

DREAM-ZOIDBERG: Nurse Ratchet! I lost another one!

Fry enters a new dreamscape standing in the middle of a street.

DREAM-FRY: Where am I now? Everything's so colorful and nice!

A giant pink teddy bear appears from behind a building, growling and shooting flames from its mouth.

DREAM-FRY: It always happens! I start to like a neighborhood and it all goes downhill!

Suddenly, there is a whooshing and all that's left in the spot is Fry's shoe.

VOICE: I'LL save you citizen!

Fry is flown through the air by someone that looks suspiciously like Amy. She's wearing a very revealing, leather, superhero outfit, along with a black mask.


DREAM-AMY: Who's Amy? Some kind of brilliant intern or something? She's certainly not the secret identity of CUTE GIRL!

Amy and Fry hover over the top of a building, where a unicorn in a band uniform stands.

DREAM-AMY: Admiral Unicorn! Stop your teddy rampage!


Amy leaves Fry on the roof, then flies over to the giant teddy bear and punches it.

DREAM-FRY: You know, that's a great superhero outfit, but...


DREAM-FRY: You know what would make it PERFECT? *he holds out his hand* Color coordinated hair scrunchies!

A few super seconds later...

Admiral Unicorn and the robotic head of the teddy bear lie on the roof, defeated, and Amy looks at the scrunches.

DREAM-AMY: You're right, these are AWESOME! Thanks, Fry... I mean, citizen that I've never seen before!

Fry poofs out of the dream. He shows up high in an audience, surrounded by people, with a stage hidden by a huge curtain in the middle.

DREAM-FRY: MADISON CUBE GARDEN? Maybe I'm in a band's dream. Please let it be the Spice Girls heads! I could sell them a spice rack!

The lights dim and the curtain begins to rise.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies, gentlemen, and other life forms, put your hands or their equivalent together for the singing sensation...


A spotlight hits Leela on stage. Her hair is down and she's wearing a long, dark dress.

DREAM-FRY: WOW! This must mean Leela's greatest dream is to sing at Madison Cube Garden! Well then, I'm going to make her dream come TRUE! Then she'll HAVE to love me!

Fry hits the red button on the controller and poofs out of the dream.


Fry walks into the living room on the phone. Bender is sitting on the couch.

FRY: I made a few calls, and it costs a HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS a night to rent the Garden!

BENDER: Say no more!

FRY: So you mean you'll help me?

BENDER: No I mean "Say no more." You're BORING me!

FRY: Please, Bender, I promise to be your alibi next time you need one. No questions asked.

BENDER: Fine. I'll talk to the owner of Madison Cube Garden. He owes me a favor.

FRY: For what?

Bender gets up and heads for the door, holding a gas can.

BENDER: For not setting it on fire.


Bender returns to the apartment.

BENDER: Okay, it's yours for a thousand bucks tomorrow!

FRY: I've only made three hundred so far at work.

Fry heads back to Dreamco and ends up talking to Morrie.

MORRIE: (deadpan) An advance? Wow, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

FRY: You're not laughing.

MORRIE: For a goth, I am. Fry, to make seven hundred in a day you'll have to sell like a madman.

FRY: (puts on the dream helmet) Let's do this thing!

And so...

There's a desert dreamscape, with Morbo riding in a yellow four wheeler.

DREAM-MORBO: Flee, puny humans, before Morbo's awesome set of wheels!

Fry races up to Morbo on a segway holding mud flaps.

DREAM-FRY: You know what'd go great with this car? Sexy mud flaps!

DREAM-MORBO: Morbo agrees! The image reminds me of my college sweetheart, Klare the Destructanator!

In a different dreamscape, the professor sits a a large table. He's dressed like a king and there are men around him dressed as knights. On the backs of some of the chairs are Li, Na, K, Rb, and Fe.

DREAM-PROFESSOR: I call this meeting of the Knights of the Periodic Table to order.

VOICE: My king, an outsider approaches! He looks like a salesman!

DREAM-PROFESSOR: Release the boiling oil, Sir Cadmium!

Hermes, dressed like a knight and bearing a Cd on his chest, stands in the doorway.


Fry walks in, covered in oil and carrying a small pot.

DREAM-FRY: It was lukewarm at best! If you REALLY want to keep out unwanted guests, how about a FONDUE SET? Nothing says "get lost" like molten cheese poured on your head!

Fry is suddenly in another dreamscape on a beach, surrounded by horrible, gelatinous blobs. One is flexing.

DREAM-BLOB: You're RIGHT! This device DOES give me six-pack abs all the lady blobs crave.

Fry poofs into another dreamscape, facing the Hypnotoad.

DREAM-FRY: Yes, of course I will give you a vacuum storage unit and unlimited bags for free. All glory to the dreaming hypnotoad!

The next day...

Fry and Leela are dressed up and standing in front of Madison Cube Garden.

FRY: Well, here we are!

LEELA: And who are we seeing here again?

They walk inside.

FRY: It's a surprise!

LEELA: Well, okay! I don't like surprises on dates, but since we're just friends, I suppose it's all right.

A short time later, Leela and Fry stand on the stage behind the large curtain.

LEELA: Why aren't we in the audience? Do we have backstage passes?

FRY: You COULD say that! Now get ready!

LEELA: Weird, this is a lot like a recurring nightmare I have.

FRY: (looks worried) NIGHTMARE?

LEELA: Where I'm singing in front of thousands of people. I've had it since I was a little girl.

ANNOUNCER: And now, live at Madison Cube Garden...

LEELA: What's going on? Why's the curtain rising?

The curtain gets all the way to the top. Madison Cube Garden is packed with people.


Leela stands under the spotlight, frozen.

FRY: Go on, Leela... SING! It's okay!

MAN: Hey, we were told we had free tickets to see the head of Miley Cyrus concert!

Fry looks out into the audience, where various humans and aliens sit. The professor, Amy, Zoidberg, and Bender are also there.

FRY: Yeah, that was a lie. Now just wait a minute! Professor? Can you come up here?

The professor joins them on stage and takes a closer look at Leela.

PROFESSOR: It's no use, Fry. She's in a TERROR COMA.

FRY: That doesn't sound too bad. No wait, that sounds AWFUL. What can we do?

PROFESSOR: She has to face her fear... which she can't do in a coma. If only there was some way to reach her.

FRY: Bender, stall for time!

BENDER: Will do!

Bender opens his chest and pulls out a black top hat.

BENDER: And now for the magic of "THE AMAZING BENDO!" Does anyone have a hundred dollar bill?

Someone reaches up from the audience holding out a bill.


BENDER: Thank you, sir! Okay, now does anyone have a diamond necklace?

Fry runs out of the Garden huffing and wheezing. Soon, he's back at Dreamco with Morrie putting on the dream helmet.

MORRIE: I wouldn't normally let you use the machine for non-work reasons, but I'm trying to get fired!

FRY: Send me back to the person whose dream I was in at 2 p.m. on Thursday!

Back in the dreamscape, Leela is on stage in her singing nightmare. Rotten fruit flies all around her amid boos.


DREAM-LEELA: FRY! They all hate my singing! I want to leave, but I'm too scared!

DREAM-FRY: (takes her hands) Leela, listen to me. No one hates your singing. Everyone in the audience wants to hear you. Everyone out there LOVES you! Just take a look.

Leela looks at the audience and sees the seats are filled with Frys.

DREAM-FRY: Now sing.

DREAM-LEELA: Well... okay.

She takes the mic and soon the hall is filled with loud clapping. Back in the real world, an identical scene is playing out back at the Garden.


Fry runs in through a backstage door and finds Bender.

FRY: (gasps) So how's the concert going?

BENDER: This is her third encore!

Bender pulls out a wad of cash and various valuables.

BENDER: Of course, I DID tell the audience the more encores they ask for, the more likely it is I'm gonna return some of their stuff!

FRY: You're a good friend, Bender!

With the encore done, Leela runs behind the curtain and hugs Fry's neck.

LEELA: Oh, Fry, thank you! This was AMAZING! You helped me get over my greatest fear!

FRY: Aw... it was nothing!

LEELA: No, you've got to let me do something for you! Come over to my place for diner tomorrow!

FRY: (smirks) YES!

The next night...

Fry and Leela are dressed up and sitting at a table that has a large covered platter in the middle.

FRY: Wow, Leela, you look beautiful!

LEELA: Thank you, and thanks for the chance to return the favor. Come here, you!

Fry leans forward for a kiss, but Leela reaches out and pulls the top off the platter. In the middle is a huge, fuzzy spider.

LEELA: I'm going to help you get over your fear of spiders!


Fry stands and bolts from the apartment, still screaming.

The spider turns to face Leela, who looks embarrassed.

SPIDER: I still get paid, right?

CAPTION BOX: The end. At the count of 3 you'll wake up from this comic book rested and refreshed. 1... 2... 3!