Comic Transcripts

Comic #42: Homeward Boned
Transcribed by dinkdrinker








Scene: the Planet Express Lounge. Bender is on the couch sleeping with a 'Do Not Degauss' sign hanging on his antenna

BENDER: There I was, powered down on the Planet Express couch. Following a full day of bending, cooking shows, and complaining. My power cells needed to recharge. Having turned down my sound card to silence Zoidberg's screeching about slamming his claw in my chest door, I was prepared to sleep through anything. Anything but multiple cries for help...


BENDER: So I, Bender the Great, had but one response... SHUT UP YOU NOISY KIDS!

HERMES: (his office is demolished) Sweet mongoose of Betelgeuse! Who's been pawing through my drawers?

BENDER: Wasn't me, dread head.

LEELA: (on the ship's bridge) Who ransacked the ship?

BENDER: Wasn't me, eye-pod.

ZOIDBERG: Who ate my clam and cheese sandwich?

BENDER: Wasn't me fish face.

AMY: Schlarf! Who's been sniffing around my locker?

BENDER: Copy and paste, then insert insult.

PROFESSOR: Oh God, my heart! Who messed up my laboratorium and bruised my pickled heart?

BENDER: For the last time, it wasn't me.

HERMES: How can we believe you, metal mon? You're a lying, thieving, walking wrecking ball!

BENDER: I find that offensive, many honest, hard working robots are wrecking balls. And besides, there's no PROOF I did it.

LEELA: Bender's got a point. Until he's proven guilty, we can only ASSUME he's guilty.


LEELA That sounded like Fry!


LEELA: (drags Bender with them) Come on!

FRY: No! It can't be! He's GONE! He's been KIDNAPPED! I can't believe it. SEYMOUR'S been stolen!


LEELA: Fry's fossilized dog from the 20th century. Don't you remember? You threw him into a pool of molten lava? Then you SAVED him from a pool of molten lava?

BENDER: (thinking) That doesn't sound like me. At least not in that order.

FRY: (holding a 'Daily Growl' chew toy) Leela, what have you done with him? Did you make him into stylish bedroom slippers as I always feared you would?

LEELA: Calm down. You're going through the six stages of pet grief. This is the first: Moronic anger.

FRY: (flipping out. The chew toy explodes) I AM NOT! Shut up you evil dog cobbler! You've ruined my life!

ZOIDBERG: Fry, Leela, Robot! Come quick! Friends, look! I have found one of those impressions that often surrounds delicious pink floor gum!

LEELA: It's a footprint. Professor, can you analyze the footprint to see where it's from?

PROFESSOR: Of course I can! Who said I can't? Oooh! If I still had saliva glands I'd spit at that insinuation.


PROFESSOR: This is my footprint analyzer. I got the idea for it when my hand got stuck in a toaster. I'm not sure why, but somehow the hellish pain inspired me. It seems the footprint contained trace amounts of the rare mineral Rawhidenite. This substance is typically found on the planet Sirius K-9.

FRY: SO that's where Seymour is?

PROFESSOR: There's maybe a one in ten million chance...

FRY: I like those odds! Let's go!

LEELA: Fry, I'm impressed. You've already progressed to the second stage of pet grief: Unfounded optimism.

FRY: I have!? Hooray!


FRY: (on the ship) -sigh- I miss the way Seymour would bark 'Walking On Sunshine' before he was petrified, and then listen politely when I barked it AFTER he was petrified.

LEELA: Stage three: Annoying nostalgia.

BENDER: Forget that furry meatloaf and get a hypnotoad. Or a skink. They plump when you cook 'em.

FRY: I just can't get his forgettable face out of my head. Sure he was a 1000 year old paperweight, but I loved him all the same.

LEELA: Cheer up, Fry. We're about to land on Sirius K-9, and I have a feeling you may be seeing more of Seymour soon.

FRY: See more Seymour? How can you be sure?

LEELA: Two things. One, I just remembered that Sirius is 'The Dog Star'...

FRY: And what's the other thing?

LEELA: (landing on the planet next to a huge Mount Rushmore type sculpture of Seymour) THAT'S the other thing.

FRY: Whoa! That must be the biggest coincidence in the known universe!

LEELA: Fry, it's not a coincidence. The people who stole Seymour did it because he looks like this giant rock formation.

BENDER: Or maybe they stole Seymour and THEN carved this monument.

FRY: (thinking) There's a THIRD possibility.

LEELA: What?

FRY: It's the biggest coincidence in the known universe.

BENDER: Stage four: Stubborn idiocy.

FRY: I wonder if the natives are friendly.

LEELA: Well, there's only one way to find out. We'll just have to ask. (opens the back door near the tail to see two vicious dogs- with single antennae on their heads, barking and snapping up at the door. Leela has a hard time closing the door) Nope. (presses a button on her wrist thingy) Hello? Hello? This is Captain Leela of the Planet Express ship. We come in peace.

REX: (trough Leela's wrist thingy) We read you. We've sent a welcoming party. They should be there by now. (a knock is heard on the door)

BENDER: That must be the welcoming party. These jerks better be nice to us or they can bite my shiny metal ass. (opens the door and gets attacked by the two dogs) AGGHH!! They're biting my shiny metal ass!

LEELA: Fry, DO something!

FRY: I am. I'm covering.

BENDER: Help me meatbags! Can't you see I'm boned!?

FRY: Meatbags? Boned? That give me an idea!

LEELA: Was it THIS idea? (opens the fridge and throws some meat and a couple of bones at the dogs) Fetch! (the dogs go running after the bones)

FRY: Yeah, that was the basic idea.

LEELA: (putting Bender back together) Let's get you back together and get out of here quick.

FRY: Maybe we can find that stupid welcoming party.

ROVER: Welcoming party?


ROVER: Of course we can speak. We're specially trained.

SPOT: We're also trained to SIT and STAY.

LEELA: Then why did you attack us?

ROVER: Force of habit...

SPOT: We saw this was a delivery ship and figured you were mailmen.

FRY: So where's the welcoming party?

ROVER: WE'RE the welcoming party.

BENDER: Awww... I was expecting booze and fembot strippers and balloons.

LEELA: You're the welcoming party?

ROVER: Yes. We were sent to fetch you by our master, Rex. I am Rover, and this is my partner, Spot.

LEELA: Pleased to meet you! I'm Leela, the ship's Captain.

BENDER: I'm Bender, the sexiest robot ever.

FRY: And I'm Fry, the delivery boy.

ROVER: (looks at Spot) Delivery boy? (start chasing them again)


ROVER: Sorry about that. Bred in the bone, you know.

SPOT: (getting his ears scratched by Fry) Thanks for the belly rub, though. That calms me down every time. (standing outside a home) This is the home of our Master, Rex.

LEELA: When you say he's your 'master', do you mean that you're slaves?

ROVER: Oh no. He is simply the leader of our people. We are not slaves, we are free as birds.

ROVER AND SPOT: (look at each other) Birds!? (go running off barking, chasing birds)

LEELA: Whoever this Rex guy is, he must be a real dog lover.

FRY: That explains why he took Seymour.

LEELA: (opening the front door) Exactly. But you're a dog lover too, Fry.

BENDER: So you can deal with him, man to man.

FRY: Good idea. I'll appeal to his humanity. (looks inside) Woof. (the inside of the home is a large throne room with dogs everywhere- playing poker, barking at pictures of cats, licking themselves, listening to a gramophone, chasing one another, burying bones under the carpet... etc. Fry walks up to the throne. Sitting on the throne is a hooded figure in a robe hiding his entire body) Excuse me... hello... your high and mightiness?

REX: (reveals himself as a dog, and holds out a paw) Shake?

LEELA: An entire planet ruled by dogs!?

BENDER: (pounding the floor with his fist) Damn them! Damn them all to hell! Wait. Did you say 'Apes' or 'Dogs'?

LEELA: Dogs.

BENDER: (starts pounding the floor with his fist again) Damn them! Damn them all to hell!

REX: We prefer the term 'Caninites' since we aren't technically Earthican dogs. And you are all invited to the Alpo-drome for a traditional Caninite feast.

FRY: Does that mean dinner? (all the dogs stop what they are doing)

REX: Yes.

DOGS: (run over everyone as they head for the door) DINNERTIME!!

Scene: everyone is seated at a long table, eating from dog bowls

BENDER: Pretty good chow, huh?

FRY: Yeah, these brown chunks make their own gravy.

CHIHUAHUA: (to the waiter) Yo quiero Burger King.

FRY: So, King Rex, your Muttjesty, you seem like a good dog...

REX: Caninite...

FRY: Whatever. Anyway, can I have my dog Seymour back? (all the dogs stop eating and stare at Fry)

REX: Let's go for a walk.

FRY: Uh... Okay. (Rex is then seen holding a leash in his mouth for Fry)

REX: (leads Fry, Leela, and Bender to a church) These are the Holy Elders. They protect this sacred temple.

ELDER #1: We must be certain that you are worthy of entering this holy place.

LEELA: Ew, their noses are wet.

ELDER #1: It's genetic, I swear!

FRY: I hate having to enter churches this way.

ELDER #2: He's clean. Spiritually, at least.

REX: (leads them inside) Our people built this temple to please our mighty god. Though trapped in a stone tomb, he was able to contact us from a distant planet. We sent ships to liberate him and bring him here. Our god is the one you call...

FRY: SEYMOUR! (Seymour is on top of a golden pedestal) But Seymour isn't a god. Except to maybe a dyslexic sibbar. You have to give him back to me!

REX_ I'm sorry, but the great god Seymour must stay here with his worshipers. You are welcome as honored guests here on Sirius K-9, but you must leave here without Seymour. Or else...

FRY: (about to grab Seymour) Or else what? (Rex jumps in front of him and starts growling) Down boy...


FRY: (on a large dog bed with Bender, Leela, and what appears to be a Saint Bernard. They are surrounded by sleeping dogs) Stupid mongrels won't give me my stupid mongrel back. And all that face licking didn't help either. What do they want me to do... beg?

LEELA: Fry, they took Seymour for a reason. They aren't going to just roll over when you say so.

DOGS: (in their sleep) Roll over... roll over... (they do so)

LEELA: Okay, bad example.

FRY: And this is how they treat honored guests? Sleeping on the floor with Kal Kan breath over there. (points to the St. Bernard)

LEELA: At least he's keeping us warm. It's a 'three person night' out there.

BENDER: (laying on the ground, emptying what looks like a barrel into his mouth) Yeah, and there are other boozy benefits to some of these dogs.

ST BERNARD: How many times do we have to tell you? We're not dogs. And that isn't a brandy barrel. It's my bladder. (Bender spits the contents all over Fry)


FRY: Bender, Leela, wake up!

LEELA: Fry, can't you just let sleeping dogs lie?

FRY: (looks around at all the sleeping dogs) That's the plan.

Later at the church...

FRY: There's no doorknob! How are we supposed to get in?

LEELA: I'd kick it in, but I stepping in something on the way here and took off my boots to wash them.

BENDER: Oh ye of little faith... (crawls through a doggie door) You people act like you've never broken into a dog church before. (now inside, watching Fry take Seymour) Gently... gently... remember to always stay cool... (alarms and lights go off) CHEESE IT! (they take off into the night)

POLICE DOG: We got here as fast as our four legs could carry us. Which way did they go? Which way did they go?

DALMATIAN: What am I... a pointer? Don't go foaming at the mouth. The crime dog's sending in his bloodhounds.

BLOODHOUND: (dressed like McGruff) Take a bit out of shiny metal crime.

BENDER: (following Fry and Leela up the ship's steps. He turns around to face the bloodhounds following them) Hey, look what I'VE been harboring! (starts throwing kittens at the dogs) Say hello to my little friends... their names are Jinxy and Minxy. (the ship takes off) I'm keeping Pinxy.

LEELA: (glancing over at Fry at his station) Congratulations, Fry. You've achieved stage five: Larceny. (a high pitched noise is heard)

BENDER: What the hell is that?

FRY: It's coming from Seymour! Bad dog! Stop making ear-piercing shrieks!

BENDER: Fry, shut your damned dog up before I throw a foot cup at him.

LEELA: If we can't stop him, maybe we can figure out what he is saying. I'll use this universal translator I just discovered I always have right in front of me.

TRANSLATOR: Heed my call, Caninites! Save your god! Invade Earth!

FRY: Bad Seymour. No! No invading Earth!

BENDER: We're pretty far from the planet. Maybe they can't hear him.

LEELA: Don't be a dumbot. They're dogs. They've got great hearing.

FRY: How many times did they have to tell us? They're not dogs. They're Caninites. Hey! Maybe they CAN'T hear him.


ELDER #1: What are you orders, Sire?

REX: Release the hounds!

Scene: the bridge of the Nimbus. Zapp is looking at a screen of the invading Caninites- all flying their ships with their heads out of the windows and wearing helmets.

ZAPP: Captain's log: Dog day afternoon. Having chewed through our perimeter, the serious canines of Sirius K-9 seem determined to bite the hand that feeds them. Dammit, Kif, why won't they play dead?

KIF: Captain, sleeper cells on Earth have dug up all our underground missile silos. And the computer network hubs that Doop disguised as fire hydrants have all been... uh... 'ruined'. All our digital weaponry is useless.

ZAPP: Then our last resort is to fire conventional rolled up newspaper cannons directly at their noses.

KIF: -sigh- There's no such thing, Sir.

ZAPP: Then hand in your dog tags, men. We surrender.

MORBO: (on TV) Our top story: The weak and worthless planet Earth was invaded and overtaken by Caninites today.

LINDA: In a related story, the winners of the 'Predict the next Earth Invasion' contest will each receive a t-shirt. The 330 winning entries said 'Tuesday'.

MORBO: The drooling leader of the alien forces was unable to conceal his glee over the surrender of the Earthican Army. His furry hind quarters said it all.

Rex's tail is shown to be wagging on a huge TV screen in a park. In the park, dogs are seen walking humans, including Sal, Wornstrom, Smitty, Dr. Beeler, Number 9, and the crack addict. Zapp is seen recreating the classic 'Coppertone' picture with a a female dog, and Checkers is drinking out of Nixon's jar. Bongo is talking to Odie, Mom's sons are 'dressed up' and having their picture taken, and Charlie Brown is seen flying Snoopy's doghouse, dragging a large banner reading 'EARTH WELCOMES IT'S CANINITE OVERLORDS. WHEN'S DINNER? Two dogs resembling Dr. Suess characters are talking...

DOG #1: Do you like my hat?

DOG #2: I do not.

HERMES: (coming upstairs to the Professor's attic) We can't keep Seymour hidden forever. Those human catchers are sniffing around downstairs. I just flushed a whole kilo of... paperwork.

BENDER: Let's just give them Fry's mutt before they make us all wear shock collars... (looks at Leela) and not the good kind of shock collar.

FRY: I'll get rid of them. I'll tell them that Lassie fell into a well.

LEELA: No- the Professor said to wait for him to finish examining Seymour. He said he might have some good news.

PROFESSOR: (comes in holding Seymour- the high pitched shrieking is still heard) Good news, everyone!


BENDER: Big deal. All that proves is both of you are senile.

FRY: Professor, did you figure out why Seymour is shrieking?

PROFESSOR: Better! I figured out why Seymour is NOT shrieking.

BENDER: Great. He's deaf AND senile.

PROFZESSOR: Thank you Bender, I think you're hot too. As I said, Seymour is not shrieking... (he pulls out a large magnifying glass) Seymour's FLEA is! (a flea is shown sitting at a transmitter)

FRY: What's he doing with that microphone?

PROFESSOR: Transmitting his plan for world domination to his fellow fleas stationed on all the other Caninites, of course.

FRY: Doing what to who on where, of course?

PROFESSOR: This is no ordinary flea. He's a genetically altered super-intelligent flea with pronounced delusions of grandeur. And he knows Morse code. He's been sending high frequency signals to the fleas on the backs of the Caninite soldiers to get them to invade and take over Earth.

FRY: Talk about the tail wagging the dog. Or the flea on the tail wagging the dog.

LEELA: Professor, how do you know so much about these fleas?

PROFESSOR: Why wouldn't I? I'm one of the world's leading GENO-ENTOMOLOGISTS. I even have a world domination flea circus with a hole in the netting.

HERMES: (looks at the flea circus) Great Dane of Aquitane! Actually, I'm not that surprised. But I've been waiting all week to use that one.

FRY: So what do we do now?

LEELA: Professor?

PROFESSOR: Don't look at me. What am I? Some sort of Geno-entomologist?

ZOIDBERG: (popping out from under the lab table) Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing, while I was dining on under-the-table gum, that perhaps you might be needing to borrow some of this... (holds up a can of Torgo's Executive Flea Powder) it works for me!

PROFESSOR: don't be a fool! As the world's leading geno-entomologist, I can assure you that a MERE POWDER won't kill these fleas. (thinking) Now a flea BATH, perhaps. But those Caninites will surely resist.

FRY: Then we'll just have to MAKE them.

LEELA: Don't be a Zoidberg! You just can't command these dogs to bathe.

FRY: Maybe I can't... but I know who CAN. (fry can be seen with a transmitter, and a camera on Seymour. Caninites all have his undivided attention) Attention, Caninites! This is your master's voice. I have an important announcement of vital concern to the future of our race... it's BATH TIME!!! (a truck is seen in the park backed up to a pond full of the dogs. It is dumping flea powder into the pond.)

PROFESSOR: (listening in on headphones) It sounds as if a million voices cried out in terror and were then suddenly silenced. What a wonderful sound!

LEELA: Looks like those dog gone dogs are as good as gone.

FRY: Not to me it doesn't! LOOK! (points at Rex) NO! You can't have Seymour!

REX: We don't want him. Caninites appreciate loyalty and you have been most loyal to Seymour. So we came to say goodbye. Besides, we don't want a god that makes us bathe. All we want to do now is roll around on our home planet's grass.

PROFESSOR: (pats Rex) That's a good boy.

LEELA: (watching the Caninites leave the planet) So, they're homeward bound.

BENDER: Time for a little hair of the dog that invaded us... eh, Fry? (Fry is curled up in Seymour's bed, fast asleep) Poor little guy was dog tired.

LEELA: Stage six: Acceptance.