Zoidberg, Scruffy, Fry, Leela, Amy, and Bender are following the professor down the street to Elzar’s. All except the professor and Bender are dressed up, Zoidberg is even wearing a bow tie. In front of the restaurant is a Neptunian standing behind a sign that reads ‘Trusty Neptunian valet. Putting dents in your ship since 2973’.
AMY: Thanks again for taking us out for a night of “SPEED DATING,” professor!
PROFESSOR: Oh, it’s my pleasure, Amy. Studies show that workers in romantic relationships are far more likely to do as they’re told compared to pathetic, single losers like YOURSELVES.
A few months ago… Hermes, LaBarbara, and Dwight are having dinner while the professor stands nearby with a clipboard.
LABARBARA: … And why don’cha take me out to limbo anymore? Jah didn’t put me on this here Earth just to watch tv every night next to a SPACE POTATO like yourself. Also, Dwight needs to be picked up after bobsleddin’ practice tomorrow. And I can’t do it ‘cause of me dred-extension appointment! Look at me when I’m NAGGIN’ you, mon!
HERMES: (downcast) Yes, LaBarbara dear…
The next day… Hermes is behind his desk at work.
PROFESSOR: Hermes, I’m afraid despite posting record profit margins this year, we—by which I mean everyone but ME—will have to take PAY CUTS.
HERMES: Yes dear… I mean, PROFESSOR.
Back in the present, the professor walks through an open door.
PROFESSOR: …so here’ hoping you all find TRUE LOVE tonight. OFF YOU GO!
The crew enters and is met with many tables set up, some chairs already filled. Among the people there are Mom’s son Larry, Hattie, Raoul and Glab sitting together, Morbo, a brain slug, and a blonde woman. Scruffy and Amy head one way while Bender walks to the bar.
FRY: I’ve had plenty of women race to END dates with me, but I’ve never done “speed dating” before. How does it work, Leela?
LEELA: Well, Fry, you each attach the compatibility sensor over your heart, then in the blink of an eye, you’re on the date, and hopefully all goes well.
FRY: That doesn’t sound too bad…
A few minutes later everyone is seated, Amy with Larry, Scruffy with the blonde woman, and Leela with Morbo. A fembot in a yellow dress walks in.
FEMBOT: Okay, everyone, take a seat! At the sound of the whistle, start “milli-dating”! On your mark… get set… *a train whistle pops out of her head and blows* … milli-date!
Fry is sitting across from the transsexual robot from “Fry and the Slurm Factory”. They both take a monitor that is attached to the device in the middle of the table and hold it over their hearts.
FRY: So… uh… hi. My name is Fry. Aren’t you a ro—
FEMBOT: Date number one is over, on to your next date!
FRY: Wait, that was IT?!?
ROBOT: That’s how it works, baby. A normal date is reduced to a milli-second, so you can keep looking for Mr. Right by weeding quickly through the MR. RIGHT NOWS.
FRY: That’s not a date! And why do I now know how many SEX-CHANGE UPGRADES you’ve had??
ROBOT: ‘Cause we just FINISHED our date! Why you so STUPID, stupid?
At another table, Zoidberg is sitting with Hattie.
ZOIDBERG: You know what they say about the size of a man’ claws in relation to his GONOPHORE…
HATTIE: Oooh, your place or whachacallit… MINE!
AMY: Look, you seem nice, but I have to be honest. I’m in a relationship and the only reason I’m here is to make my mother happy.
INEZ: Eh, don’t worry, Amy will fine true love before she leaves… *she and Kif are standing at the bar with drinks* …then you will be EX-boyfriend and we won’t have to worry about having pea-soup-colored grandbaby with concave chest and IRRITABLE BOWEL!
MORBO: Morbo found our date extremely satisfying and demands you give him your number so we can have a LATE-NIGHT ESPRESSO before the inevitable annihilation of your insufferable planet!
LEELA: Why not? Got a PEN?
The professor is sitting with a brainslug on his head.
PROFESSOR: I think I’m in love.
While Bender stands at the bar drinking, he overhears Mayor Poopenmeyer talking to a robot with an afro and wearing a purple suit named Hatch.
HATCH: Okay, Mayor, so your first FEW dates haven’t gone too good. Just remember everything I taught you, and you’ll be closing the deal on one of these fine ladies before you leave.
POOPENMEYER: Thanks, Hatch. I have to believe that paying an OBSCENE amount of money to a “date doctor” like yourself will help me find true love.
HATCH: That’s what they built me for.
BENDER: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation ON PURPOSE just now. Did he say he PAYS you to help him with dating?
HATCH: That’s how I roll. I’m Hatch, the DATE DOCTOR.
BENDER: So you scam love-lorn LOSERS into giving you money in exchange for tips on how to score with women so far out of their league that it NEVER actually WORKS, eh?
HATCH: I didn’t say that at all!
BENDER: This is just the racket for me to horn in on!
HATCH: Say what?
BENDER: Er… I said that HORN is making a lot of RACKET!
Soon… the fembot host calls out to the daters.
FEMBOT: … thank you all for making tonight such a great success! Good night, everybody!
At the back of the room, Amy is yelling at her mother, who is yelling at Kif. Hattie and Zoidberg are standing together, the professor looks happy with the brainslug still on his head, and Scruffy is leaving with two women. Fry however, is alone looking around the room.
FRY: What the CRAP?! Everyone hooked up with someone except ME? *he spots Leela and Morbo* Even LEELA found someone? Now I’m officially the BIGGEST loser here!
LEELA: You know, instead of making OTHER PEOPLE feel bad because you’re going home alone, maybe you should take a long, hard look in the mirror! *she turns back to Morbo* Come on, Morbie-worbie!
MORBO: Morbo SHOOTS, Morbo SCORES!
PROFESSOR: (walks up with a second brainslug in his hand) Do not worry, Fry. My lady has a FRIEND…
Later… Fry walks past a pair of horrible, gelatinous blobs, each with a human in them.
FRY: As if dating in New York wasn’t hard enough, now I’ve got to do it in the future where not only humans reject me, but so do aliens, mutants, and GENDER-CONFUSED ROBOTS! Sometimes I wish I still had my 20th century girlfiend, Michelle.
Down the street, Fry sees a store with the sign ‘Intergalactic Star Registry – Buy a star and name it after the one you love! Still cheaper than an engagement ring!’
FRY: Hey, I bought Michelle a star from this place as a present in 1999… just before she dumped me! I wonder if it’s still registered to her?
He walks in and there’s a man with brown hair and glasses behind the counter.
MAN: Good evening, sir. Are you interested in naming a star after someone special?
FRY: Actually, I already have. It was my old girlfriend, Michelle. Can you tell me if it’s still valid? It might be under the name Philip J. Fry.
MAN: (looks up the name on a computer) Oh my. This is most unusual.
FRY: HOW most unusual?
MAN: The MOSTEST most unusual! It seems our store associates in 1999 made a mistake when labeling your girlfriend’s star a “star.” ‘Star Michelle’ has long since been re-assigned—it’s now “PLANET Michelle,” which means whoever purchased and named the planet is its RIGHTFUL OWNER!
He turns the screen so Fry can see it. It reads ‘Star Michelle (1999): Upgraded to planet status.’
FRY: Wait! You’re saying I OWN A PLANET?!
MAN: (holds up a pen and paper) That’s right, Mr. Fry. If you’ll simply sign this, all proprietary rights will be transferred to YOUR name.
FRY: Wow, my own planet! Michelle would DEFINITELY take me back if she knew about THIS!
MAN: Your girlfriend broke up with you?
FRY: Twice. First, in 1999 and then again in 3000 when she left me for Pauly Shore’s Head*. I lost touch with her after that. Anyway, thanks for your help. I got a PLANET to go check out!
CAPTION BOX: *Editor’s note: As seen in FUTURAMA (2ACV19) “The Cryonic Woman” – Lonely Heart Bill!
The next morning…
Fry runs into the lounge of Planet Express holding a paper, while the professor sits at the table wearing his lab coat and polka dotted boxers, a red mark on his head.
FRY: Look, Professor… I own a planet and I want to learn everything I can about it! Will you help me?
PROFESSOR: (holding his head) In a minute, Fry. Can’t you see I’m in pain here? That brain-sucking floozy I took home last night was INSATIABLE.
Leela walks in wearing the same dress she had on the night before.
PROFESSOR: Leela, where have you been? You’re an hour late.
LEELA: Sorry, Professor. I had such a CRAZY night.
PROFESSOR: It seems EVERYONE did, except Fry. Unless finding out you own a planet is “crazy”… and it clearly ISN’T!
LEELA: (pours herself a cup of coffee) Fry owns a planet? I’d love to hear all about that as soon as I tell everyone about my night of WILD CANOODLING!
The professor looks at the paper that Fry brought in and adjusts his glasses.
PROFESSOR: I’m looking forward to that, but first I need to do a little research into this “Planet Fry” thing.
FRY: (crosses his arms and turns to Leela) It’s called “Planet MICHELLE”!
The professor goes to the computer in the meeting table and a hologram of a planet pops up.
PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, Fry! It seems your planet is uninhabited by any human OR alien life forms, and the atmosphere is exactly the same as ours here on Earth! It’s completely SAFE for an Earthling to live there!
FRY: Really? Then that’s what I’m going to do! I won’t have to dal with any more stupid Earth women. Especially the ONE-EYED, BOOT-WEARING, BOSSY kind! It’d be even better if I could live there with MICHELLE. I bet that would REALLY drive Leela nuts!
PROFESSOR: Yes, if only you knew where to find her. Too bad you don’t have Michelle’s DNA handy, or I could solve your problem.
FRY: Her DNA?! What could you do with that?
PROFESSOR: Why I’d simply insert the sample into my cloning machine, and we would have a NEW Michelle within seconds. But since Michelle’s missing and you’re not creepy enough to carry any samples of her blood, skin, hair, or bone shavings, there’s no sense in talking about it.
FRY: (pulls his wallet out of his back pocket) Wait! I’m CREEPIER than you think! This SCRUNCHIE belonged to Michelle. She threw it in my face after our last argument back in the 20th century. I kept it, thinking I’d return it to her when we got back together.
PROFESSOR: And now thanks to my genius, you’ll HAVE that opportunity! To the LABORATORY!
Yet few minutes laterer…
Fry and the professor are in the lab, standing next to a large cloning chamber.
PROFESSOR: I put the scrunchie inside, turn it on, and quick as a wink, you’ll have a brand new Michelle!
FRY: WOO-HOO! Get your clone on, Professor!
PROFESSOR: (hits a button) WORD!
The cloning machine flashes brightly and makes a loud screeching sound, producing fog and a human shape inside.
FRY: Did it work, Professor?
PROFESSOR: (hides behind Fry) Of course… but you look first, just to be safe.
VOICE: (coughs) Fry? Is that YOU?
Michelle steps out of the cloning machine naked with only bits of smoke covering her while the professor stares.
FRY: Michelle, baby! It’s REALLY YOU!
MICHELLE: What am I doing inside this machine, Fry? And why am I NAKED? And why are you letting that old man OGLE ME?
FRY: Don’t worry about the professor. He’s so old, he can barely see an inch in front of his face.
PROFESSOR: Yes… can barely see ANYTHING at all… just stand there and don’t worry about the ol’ BLIND professor!
Amy and Leela walk into the lab.
LEELA: Michelle! What is SHE doing here? And better yet… HOW?!
FRY: The professor cloned her for me from her hair scrunchie, so I’D have someone to love, TOO!
MICHELLE: (covers herself) You still have my shrunchie?! I want it back!
AMY: (leads Michelle away) Uh, how ‘bout some clothes to go along with it? C’mon, I think we have something around here you can wear.
PROFESSOR: Curse you and your BIG MOUTH, Amy Wong!
MICHELLE: Um, WHERE exactly is here? And WHEN?
FRY: Don’t worry, sweetie. Amy can fill you in on all that BORING EXPOSITION while you get dressed!
LEELA: Fry, look, I know last night was tough on you, but cloning Michelle for companionship isn’t the answer.
FRY: Oh, like having UNPROTECTED CANOODLING with an alien news anchor IS?
LEELA: So what are you going to do? We already know Michelle can’t handle living in the future*, and it’s only a matter of time before her clone finds somebody to run off with, TOO!
FRY: Not if we’re the ONLY two people on the planet!
CAPTION BOX: *Editor’s note: It’s true! I saw it in that episode I mentioned on page 7—Bill
LEELA: NOW what are you talking about?
FRY: I’m talking about MY planet—PLANET MICHELLE! Humans can live there, so that’s where I’ll take her… and we’ll live there HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
LEELA: What about your life here? Your job? Your FRIENDS?
FRY: I’m just a dumb delivery boy that nobody will miss.
MICHELLE: FRY!! *she walks in wearing a large red dress* We have to get out of here! The future is full of WEIRDOS and the clothes are made for HIPPOS!
LEELA: Hey, that’s my DRESS from last night!
FRY: Don’t worry, baby. I’m going to take you someplace where you’ll never have to worry about the future AGAIN.
A few days later…
Everyone is standing outside of Planet Express. A trailer labeled ‘U-Stor, moving hover pods’ is hitched up to a car and has a ‘just cloned’ note on the back. Tied to the bottom are a bunch of what looks like Zoidberg’s claws.
MICHELLE: (wearing one of Amy’s pink sweatsuits) Thanks for giving me some of your old sweatsuits, Amy.
AMY: No problem. I was going to donate them to the kids at the Cookieville Orphanaruim, but you look WAY CUTER than they will!
FRY: Is this my last paycheck, Hermes?
HERMES: No, it’s a bill for the EXTRA HOURS I’m putting in to hire a new delivery boy to take your place. You have one week to pay, then I start CHARGING INTEREST!
FRY: I have a hard time saying goodbye too, buddy.
HERMES: (wipes a tear) The boy knows me TOO WELL!
LEELA: I guess this is it. I hope you and Michelle are happy.
FRY: Thanks Leela. I really will miss y—
MICHELLE: FRRRYYY!!! Let’s go NOW!
FRY: (walks toward the car and waves) I guess I’ll see you all again someday.
PROFESSOR: Things won’t be the same around here without you! Drop us a line when you can! We’ll miss you! *turns and whispers to Amy* WHO are we saying goodbye to again??
Fry takes one last look out the window to smile at Leela and she waves. The car drives off.
AMY: Hey, wait a minute… isn’t someone MISSING from this farewell to Fry?
PROFESSOR: GREAT SCOTT BAIO, you’re RIGHT! Where is his so-called “BEST FRIEND”?
BENDER: Someone I care about is leaving Earth forever and there’s NOTHING that can stop me from saying goodbye to him…
Bender is standing in the larger part of his apartment, a large banner hanging that reads ‘Bender the Date Doctor’s school of scoring!’. Sitting around the room are Terry, Sal, Dwayne, Smitty, the Hyper Chicken, Igner, Fishy Joe, and Wernstrom.
BENDER: (stashes some cash in his chest) Except for the COLD, HARD CASH, you’re paying me to teach you how to be silky-smooth PLAYERS with the opposite sex. Let’s get started. Take one of my “DATING DOS AND D’OHS” dittos, then pass the rest to your neighbor! *sheets begin printing out of his mouth*
SAL: “Rule number ones: IGNORES every woman…”?
DWAYNE: “…NEVER buy them drinks…”?
IGNER: “... always go home ALONE at the end of the night”?!?
HYPER CHICKEN: Now I know I’m just an old country chicken lawyer, but I do declare I ain’t nevah gonna find a soul mate following these here guidelines!
BENDER: Look, you’re all here because you’re so desperate to find love, that you come on TOO STRONG! By following my tried and true methods, women will never know how truly PATHETIC you are!
WERNSTROM: But with these methods, we’ll never talk to the ladies AT ALL.
BENDER: Yes, and isn’t NOT talking at all better than being IGNORED, TRUNED DOWN, and MERCILESSLY RIDICULED by a woman and her super-hot friends?
TERRY: The robot is a genius!
SAL: This is gonna be money WELL SPENTS.
Meanwhile, several light years away…
Fry’s car and trailer near the surface of a planet in an area that looks like a large park.
FRY: WOW! This place is BEAUTIFUL! It’s going to be like our own little paradise!
They get out and begin to look around.
FRY: Here it is, “PLANET MICHELLE”! What do you think?
MICHELLE: I think it looks like a STUPID FOREST. You know how much I hate camping, Fry. And if you think I’m COOKING for you, FORGET it!
FRY: But I thought you’d like it here—
MICHELLE: Speaking of food, what are we supposed to EAT? Go find us some food. I’m starving! And don’t take all day, Fry! You need to build a SHELTER when you get back!
FRY: Got it. Shelter. No problem.
A few hours later…
Fry is walking down a path with his jacket tied around his waist.
FRY: Geez, I thought because this place LOOKED like Earth that it’d be easy to find food. So far, there’s zip!
A little further on, there’s a grove of trees that have green pods hanging from them.
FRY: FINALLY! Something that looks vaguely like fruit! IN YOUR FACE, STARVATION!
Fry walks back to the car, carrying a load of the alien fruit in his shirt.
FRY: Hey baby… dinner is served.
MICHELLE: FRY! I was so worried… *she snatches away a fruit* … I thought I was going to have to go to sleep HUNGRY! Geez, you couldn’t find anything BETTER than this? What good are you?
FRY: I’ll find you something better in the morning, but I’m really tired now…
MICHELLE: Do not EVEN act like you are going to sleep! I want a shelter and I want it RIGHT NOW! *she climbs into the car* There’s only room for one of us in here anyway. Now get cracking on building me A PROPER HOME, Fry!
FRY: I haven’t eaten anything all day. Can I least have a piece of… *the door slams shut* … fruit? *he sighs* Good night, Michelle.
Back on Earth, a week later…
Leela is working under the ship and the professor rolls the cloning machine in on a dolly.
PROFESSOR: Good news! I’ve sold a replica of my cloning machine to the Red Cross so they can clone volunteers to work on far-off planets struck by natural disasters! You’ll be delivering the replica clone machine to the Tsunami Nebula, which means I’ll be making even more money!
LEELA: The Tsunami Nebula is near Fry’s new planet. Bender and I can stop there on the way to see how he’s doing.
PROFESSOR: (holds up Michelle’s scrunchie) Give this to Fry, will you? He left Michelle’s scrunchie in the cloning machine. God forbid ANOTHER one of her gets made, am I right?
LEELA: (speaks into her wrist-thingy) One-B-D-I to Bender. Bender, do you copy?
Elsewhere, Bender is standing with his date class.
LEELA: (her voice is coming from Bender’s antenna) Bender, come in—we have work to do!
TERRY: (points at Bender’s antenna) Bender! I think someone is calling you!
BENDER: Oh, that noise? Nah, I’m just picking up someone else’s cell phone call. Now let’s find you studs some foxy babes! *he leads the group to the entrance of the Hip Joint* This place will be crawling with women to ignore and NOT take home at the end of the night! Now everyone give me twenty bucks for uh… incidental expenses.
IGNER: Umm, where are all the pretty ladies?
BENDER: They’ll be here, these guys are just early birds. YOU’LL be the ones the women will flock to with your new-found powers of NONSEDUCTION! Now everyone find a spot to NOT TALK to anyone. *heads for a door* I’m just going to step outside for a smoke, but I’ll be back to check on you soon. Bender to one-B-D-I… I’m outside the Hip Joint. Come pick me up and we can make that delivery RIGHT NOW!
Later, across the galaxy…
Fry is kneeling down gnawing on a tree trunk.
MICHELLE: FRY! You can chew that tree down for fire wood later. I want a PUPPY. Go find me one. And not just ANY puppy. I want one of those toy terriers you can carry in your purse. Oh, and then make me a purse.
The Planet Express ship whooshes overhead, making Fry dash after it.
FRY: Hey, it’s the PLANET EXPRESS ship! My FRIENDS are here!!
MICHELLE: (chases him) Fry! What about my PUPPY?!
Bender and Leela come down the stairs, Bender carrying a large brown box.
FRY: Leela, Bender! What are you guys doing here?
LEELA: We’re on our way to make a delivery and thought we’d stop by to see how you were!
FRY: Michelle, this is my best friend Bender… and you remember Leela…
MICHELLE: The whole point of coming here was to FORGET these people, Fry.
BENDER: Well, if that’s how you feel, you can just forget about this CARE PACKAGE we brought you, and WE’LL SPLIT!
MICHELLE: Care package? Does it have REAL FOOD inside?
BENDER: Food, beer, slurm, toilet paper, some trashy celebrity mags, and a book of NNY Times sudoku puzzles!
Bender begins to climb the stairs into the ship and Michelle runs after him.
MICHELLE: SUDOKU?! Please, I’m sorry… can I have that box now?
FRY: Bender, take it to our shelter, and Michelle can show you around.
Inside the ship, Leela hands Fry Michelle’s schrunchie.
LEELA: The professor found this, and I thought I’d bring it to you before we delivered his new cloning machine.
FRY: (thinking) The CLONING MACHINE, eh? *he ushers Leela out of the room* Say, Leela, why don’t you go to the engine room and see if there are any extra tools you can spare to help me build stuff for Michelle!
A moment later…
Fry is in the cargo hold with the cloning machine, which is next to a rack of multiple sweatsuits under the sign ‘Amy’s dry cleaning’.
FRY: There’s only one way to keep up with all the work Michelle wants me to do and that’s to CLONE MYSELF! *he steps into the machine and hits buttons* My clone better not be BETTER LOOKING than me!
Fry kicks the console and Michelle’s scrunchie falls out of his back pocket.
FRY: Come on, stupid machine! WORK!
Nothing happens, so he walks away with the machine smoking.
FRY: (sighs) Well, it was worth a TRY.
He walks into the bridge and finds Leela holding two things.
LEELA: Hey, there you are. All I could find for you was this hover-hedge trimmer and a stud finder.
FRY: Well, that stuff finder must work because it led you right to ME. Heh heh.
Michelle walks in wearing an orange sweatsuit.
FRY: Hey, Michelle, we were just on our way back—
MICHELLE: Where AM I? And who is that ONE-EYED MONSTER?
LEELA: EXCUSE ME?!?
MICHELLE: (spots Bender) Ahh! ANOTHER MONSTER!!
BENDER: You’re no catch either, TRAMPIRELLA!
Michelle runs out.
BENDER: Weird! I thought I just left your girlfriend stuffing her face full of Bachelor Chow.
FRY: Maybe the box is EXPIRED. I better go find her before that becomes my fault, too.
They walk out and find Michelle sitting under Fry’s jacket, held up with a few tree branches. There are empty food cans around her and she’s eating a sandwich, wearing a pink sweatsuit.
FRY: Michelle, STOP EATING! I think that Bachelor Chow’s SPOILED!
MICHELLE: What are you talking about? The only thing wrong with it is it needs milk… too bad the COWS around here don’t produce any!
LEELA: (takes a fighting stance) That’s IT, this 20th century harlot’s GOING DOWN!
MICHELLE: (stands) Bring it, eyeball!
Fry stands between them and holds out his arms.
FRY: Girls, don’t fight. If you really need to prove who the better woman is, I propose a MAKE-OUT COMPETITION…
FRY: (turns and sees a different Michelle wearing the orange sweatsuit) MICHELLE?!
ORANGE MICHELLE: What’s going on?!
PINK MICHELLE: Hey, that’s ME!
LEELA: I don’t think it IS. She’s wearing a different sweat suit… and since the cloning machine AND Amy’s dry-cleaning is on the ship, it’s pretty obvious what’s happening…
BENDER: Michelle has a ZOMBIE TWIN SISTER who has risen from the grave to take REVENGE in comfortable, breathable velour?!?
LEELA: No, you DOPE! Michelle’s been CLONED!
FRY: (reaches into his empty back pocket) Uh, I might know how this happened…
VOICE: Good, then you can explain it to ME!
Fry turns and sees yet another Michelle, this one wearing a yellow sweat suit.
BENDER: ANOTHER Michelle? You’re SUPER-BONED, pal.
FRY: Look, I just wanted to clone MYSELF so I could handle all the work Michelle was giving me. But the machine wasn’t working so I kicked it. I guess THAT’S when your scrunchie fell out of my pocket.
LEELA: Looks like the machine works after all. GOOD TIMES, right?
PINK MICHELLE: So I wasn’t ENOUGH for you… eh, Fry? I’m gonna make you wish you never cloned me to BEGIN WITH!
ORANGE MICHELLE: Hey, you can’t talk to MY MAN like that!
YELLOW MICHELLE: YOUR man?! Fry’s MINE!
BENDER: (points) Actually, I think he’s all of THEIRS too…
A huge trail of Michelle clones comes from the ship to where the crew is standing. All but the last third of the group are wearing different colored sweat suits.
GREEN MICHELLE: Fry, I’m hungry!
RED MICHELE: Fry, I want to go home!
FUCHSIA MICHELLE: Fry, I’m cold!
FRY: Oh no! The Michelles have spawned like GREMLINS! Keep them away from WATER!
LEELA: (points) The cloning machine is BROKEN and her scrunchie’s STILL IN THERE! It won’t stop spitting out Michelles until we get it out!
BENDER: But on the bright side, they HAVE run out of sweatsuits…
FRY: (hides behind Leela) There’s no way to get back to the ship!
BENDER: Never leave a man to do a ROBOT’S JOB…
Bender wraps his arm around Leela’s waist and Fry’s neck, stretches his legs out and walks over the Michelle crowd.
BENDER: OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL MAKE YOU ALL MY HUMAN SLAVES!!!
LEELA: Go, Bender!
Fry makes a choking sound.
Once they are on the ship, Fry and Bender look at the crowd behind them.
FRY: We made it!
A Michelle clone in a red sweat suit follows them up the stairs, and Leela kicks her in the face.
LEELA: God that FEELS GOOD…
A moment later…
LEELA: I’ll remove the battery before it can make another clone!
BENDER: (points his thumb backward) That’ll solve our problem in here, but what do we do about THEM?
FRY: I made this mess, and it’s my job to clean it up. *he takes the battery from Leela* The only way you’ll get out of here is if there’s a Fry for each of them. I’ll clone myself over and over until there’s enough of me to spread the MISERY.
LEELA: Fry, wait! There HAS to be another way!
BENDER: THERE IS! You say we need a man for each Michelle? I think I know the SUCKERS for the job!
Bender sits at a console and turns on the transmitter. Smitty shows up on screen.
SMITTY: … You’re going down, PERP-BOT! You took our money, taught us a bunch of bogus tips to NOT attract women, and then skipped town!
BENDER: All TRUE. But I can’t get a ride off the planet I escaped to, so I’m afraid you’ll ALL have to COME GET ME. I’ll send you my coordinates now!
A bunch of Michelles crowd around the windshield while Fry hides behind the couch.
PINK MICHELLE: Look what you’ve done, Fry! You’re good for NOTHING, and when you come out of there, I’m BREAKING UP with you!
RED MICHELLE: Not until I break up with him first!
YELLOW MICHELLE: I’m dumping Fry before any of you!
A space tow truck zooms down.
BENDER: The LOVE CAVALRY has arrived!
When the truck lands, the men rush out.
TERRY: There’s the thieving scoundrel! Let’s get him!
SAL: I CONCURS.
Bender walks out to face the group of Michelles.
BENDER: Ladies, don’t waste your time with a LOSER like Fry, for I have brought you a bounty of STUDS whom we can clone until you each will have a man of your OWN!
RED MICHELLE: Sounds good to me.
ORANGE MICHELLE: I’ll give it a go.
YELLOW MICHELLE: It can’t get any WORSE.
A little later…
Leela is running the cloning machine. A fresh batch of Fishy Joes are wandering around.
FISHY JOE: So this is YOUR planet, eh? How would you feel about a Fishy Joe’s drive-thru every SQUARE MILE?
PURPLE MICHELLE: You can get right on that after you build me a HOUSE. Now MOVE!
Later, the ship has taken off and Fry, Leela, and Bender are heading for Earth.
LEELA: Thank God that’s over! I’m glad you’re coming with us, Fry. We can’t deliver this machine to the Red Cross without our delivery boy.
FRY: You know, it took all this nonsense to realize it, but I really believe the person I’m meant to be with is back on Earth.
LEELA: Me too, Fry.
BENDER: CAN THE CORN, you two! Let’s roll before those dorks remember I didn’t give them their MONEY BACK!
A few nights later…
Fry is walking out of the star registry place holding a piece of paper.
MAN: Thanks for your business Mr. Fry. ENJOY!
FRY: Thanks! See ya!
Fry opens the letter, which states “To whom it may concern: unnamed star 6.118.934.12 existing in the Tasmanzor Sector of the Inglix-9 Galaxy, shall heretofore be forever known as 'Star Leela', so named on Wednesday, the twenty-eighth day of 3007 by Philip J. Fry." He sighs and looks up at a particularly bright star.
FRY: Good night, STAR LEELA.
FEMBOT: (in caption bubble) Goodnight, everybody!