Comic Transcripts

Comic #32: Docotor What?
Transcribed by Umbreon







The professor is sitting on a toilet, reading from a magazine.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! I’ve finally done it!

Bender, Leela, and Fry stand around, making faces.

PROFESSOR: (jumps off the toilet) I’ve finally created THE WORLD’S GREATEST PORTA POTTY! *he stands and takes a few steps around the large space, showing it off to them as well as Amy and Zoidberg* As you can see, it’s roomy on the inside… *he walks out, leaving Fry and Bender leaning out the door of a normal-sized porta potty* … and compact on the outside.

CUBERT: *looks annoyed* That’s impossible.

BENDER: Are YOU still around?

PROFESSOR: And for added privacy when you flush, the porta potty teleports you to a random place in space and time far away from anyone you know.

The professor flushes the toilet. Outside, the porta potty begins to glow and make a whirring sound.


The porta potty goes through a vortex and stops in space, near a black hole and a yellow ship that’s shaped slightly like a Y.

FRY: Wow! I always wanted to take a whiz next to a black hole.

MAN: What the heck is THAT?

Inside the ship, two humans and a robot watch the floating porta potty on a monitor.

SECOND MAN: I don’t know! Evasive maneuvers!

ROBOT: Yes, sir!

The ship heads for the black hole.

MAN: Not INTO the black hole, you dumb…

The porta potty begins whirring again and once it reappears in Planet Express, everyone exits.

PROFESSOR: And we’re HOME! The coordinates for the present day Planet Express are PRE-PROGRAMMED, so you’ll always return after your second flush.

FRY: Cool!

PROFESSOR: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do an interview. My bathroom’s going to be the cover story of “Straight Poop” magazine.

BENDER: Wow! The world’s third most popular lavatory-related periodical!

FRY: Way to go, Professor!

Zoidberg walks up to the door of the porta potty and taps it with his claw.

ZOIDBERG: If only one day I could have an apartment as classy as this toilet!

HERMES: But ya never will, ya filthy crustacean!

FRY: Gee, Hermes, why do you have to b so mean to Zoidberg?

HERMES: It’s all part of my management plan. I break his spirit then I build it up.

FRY: When are you going to start building it up?

HERMES: I have that scheduled for 3047.

Inside the porta potty, Zoidberg is washing his claws at the sink.

ZOIDBERG: I’d put a few sea shells on the ceiling… wall to wall seaweed carpeting…

FRY: Hey, Zoidberg, I don’t think you should be in here poking around.

ZOIDBERG: Fry, I’m a doctor. I know what I’m doing…

He leans over and flushes the toilet with his elbow, much to Fry, Bender, and Leela’s shock. After a whirring sound, they appear in a largely white space.

FRY: Where are we?

Bender peeks out and sees an all white plane, the floor and ceiling littered with holes. A yellow submarine is more than halfway out of one on the top, and on the bottom is a small, mostly brown creature with a clown makeup-type face.

BENDER: It’s real nowhere, man!

Back in the porta potty, Fry holds out what looks like a shining lump of quartz.

FRY: Hey, guys, look what I found in the urinal.

LEELA: (sticks out her tongue) Ewwww! Put them back!

FRY: Fine!

He walks over to a urinal and puts the crystal in it, after which a hologram of the professor’s head shows up.

HOLOGRAM: Greetings, my son!

Fry screams.

HOLOGRAM: Wait, you’re not my son. You’re just employees goofing off!

LEELA: Sorry, Professor.

HOLOGRAM: Oh I’m not the professor, just an operating manual program with his good looks.

ZOIDBERG: We’d like to go home.

HOLOGRAM: It appears you broke the flush return mechanism when you leaned on it.

FRY: So what do we do now?

HOLOGRAM: Unless you know the binary coordinates for your time and location, then every flush will be random.

LEELA: So we’re—

HOLOGRAM: Boned? Oh my yes.

The hologram blinks away.

FRY: Okay, let’s keep trying. We have to get home eventually!

BENDER: Yeah, after we visit every other time and place that ever existed or will exist. We’re not boned… we’re SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA-boned!

Fry flushes the toilet and the porta potty goes through a time and space tunnel. It stops in a field and a medieval-looking villager runs up to the group.

FRY: Um… hello, is this Earth?

VILLAGER: (gasps and wheezes) Prithee, my lord, help me!

LEELA: What’s wrong?

VILLAGER: A horrible battle has spread throughout our world. My village was wiped out by orcs, goblins, and trolls. Dragons rain fire down on the innocent. I am but a poor squire. My village’s knight has been slain.

BENDER: (waves his hand) Uh, we’d love to help, but our prime directive forbids it.

FRY: We don’t have a prime dir—*he grunts when Bender elbows his gut*

LEELA: Where is this battle?

VILLAGER: (points) Just over here!

The man leads them into a room where a few other people sit at computers.

LEELA: You’d better get these nerds out of the way! Now where’s the battle again?

VILLAGER: Right here!

Fry looks over a man’s shoulder at the game on the screen.

FRY: What are you playing?

VILLAGER: World of Battlecraft. Our entire planet is playing it together. None of us has eaten or slept in days.

FRY: Why were you running toward us?

VILLAGER: I thought your vehicle was a bathroom. I haven’t had time to go in TWO DAYS. No time now! The gnomes are looting my village! *he runs to a computer and pulls out the chair*

LEELA: You geeks are wasting away! Your society’s shut down!

SECOND VILLAGER: Yeah, but it’s worth it. What a great game.

ZOIDBERG: Look at all the bonding with friends! Can you show your new pal how to play? *he trips on a cord and unplugs it* OOOPS!

All the screens go black.



VILLAGER: The power! It’s turned off!

THIRD VILLAGER: Wait, I’m starting to remember things.

SECOND VILLAGER: I had a life before the game. I was a substitute teacher!

THIRD VILLAGER: And I was a dental hygienist.

ZOIDBERG: I’m so sorry!

VILLAGER: Sorry? You set us free from this addictive Valhalla! We must go forth and pull all the plugs on this world! But not before we learn our hero’s name!

ZOIDBERG: Who me? Um… Dr. Zoidberg.

Four men lift Zoidberg up.

FORTH VILLAGER: All hail, Dr. Zoidberg!

VILLAGER: We must have a feast in his honor! Bring forth the ripple chips and chocolate-flavored soda water!

LEELA: Sorry, he’s got to go! *she grabs Zoidberg’s claw and tugs him toward the porta potty*


As Zoidberg is dragged into the porta potty, the first villager stops him and loops a medal that says ‘Zoidberg’ around his neck.

VILLAGER: Take this medal! Oh hero, our hero!

The porta potty cuts though space and time again. The next world shown is made up of a chocolate and candy landscape. A group of large orange birds push carts filled with chocolate as a man made of candy uses black licorice to whip them.

CANDYMAN: Load those chocolate chips into the cookie caves or taste my licorice whip!

BIRD: Yes, oh delicious dictator!

SECOND BIRD: I can’t take it anymore! All this chocolate! I’m going coo-coo! Coo-coo! Over cocoa!

CANDYMAN: Do you DARE rebel against ME?

SECOND BIRD: No, Lord Candyman!

CANDYMAN: Now sing our glorious national anthem while you work!

All four birds begin to sing.

BIRDS: Who can make the sun rise, but also bring us pain. Cover it with cocoa and kill us if we complain. Lord Candyman can!

The porta potty appears in front of the birds and Fry runs out.

FRY: Wow! I world made of candy!

LEELA: That ISN’T Earth.

FRY: (he picks up a chunk of chocolate and takes a large bite) Yo! Hey, birdpeople! What up?

BIRD: No, outsider! Don’t eat that!

FRY: Why? Is it that laxative chocolate? Because I made that mistake once in high school and boy was that a rough field trip!

BIRD: No, all candy is the property of our evil dictator. A madman who none can stop.

ZOIDBERG: (runs up holding a large piece of red licorice) Fry, you’ve got to try this delicious licorice man! I saved you the last piece! *all the birds stare at Zoidberg* What?

The birds hoist up Zoidberg and place a medal around his neck.

ZOIDBERG: You know, a fellow could get used to this. Say, is this medal you gave me made of chocolate, too?

Bender wraps his arm around Zoidberg’s wrist and pulls.

BENDER: Come on, you!


The porta potty once again makes its time and space trip. After it lands, Fry and Leela walk out.

FRY: So is THIS Earth?

Three robots, a red, a gray, and a yellow, that are shaped like curved cones greet the crew.

LEELA: I don’t think so.

YELLOW ROBOT: Greetings, gentle visitors! We are the Deacons! Welcome to our world!

RED ROBOT: Please state your religion!

BENDER: Whichever one gives away the free wine! Oh, I DID hang out with God once. Nice guy! So have you got any free wine or what?

GRAY ROBOT: He speaks blasphemy! Excommunicate! Excommunicate!

The three robots begin shooting lasers and Bender, Fry, and Leela take off running.



FRY: Quick! I don’t think they can follow us up these stairs!

RED ROBOT: STAIRS! Why do we even build those?

YELLOW ROBOT: (turns to Zoidberg) You! The one cowering! What religion are you?

ZOIDBERG: Well, er… my mother was an orthodox Jellyfish Witness… *he squirts ink on the robots* I’m so sorry. When I’m nervous, I squirt!

RED ROBOT: We can’t see!

YELLOW ROBOT: Just feel around for him!

RED ROBOT: Oh great! Our holy suction cups are stuck to the walls!

GRAY ROBOT: Little help?

A group of tall, human-like robots rush out of a different room.

ROBOT: You've freed us all from the Deacons' theological techno-tyranny!

ZOIDBERG: (crosses his arms) So where's the shoulder carrying and the medal?

Later, a group of four robots carry Zoidberg around, who has a new medal around his neck.

ZOIDBERG: Now THAT'S more like it.


Fry and Leela are sitting on a bench in a park and three robots are using a rope to pull down a statue of a Deacon behind them. Bender runs up holding a piece of paper.

BENDER: Hey, everyone! Good news!

LEELA: PROFESSOR-STYLE good news, or REAL good news?

BENDER: (waves the paper) I've got the coordinates to get us home!

FRY: How'd you get those?

BENDER: Turns out the porta potty's central processing unit is female. A little romancing and she was giving me all her digits. Let's use these and get home, so I can dump her. She's getting too clingy.

LEELA: That's so wrong.

Bender finds Zoidberg, who is in front of a pet shop signing autographs.

BENDER: Come on, Zoidberg! We're heading home!

ZOIDBERG: What? So soon?

BENDER: Yep, got the coordinates right here.

ZOIDBERG: Good, good. Say, why not let your old chum Zoidberg enter those?

BENDER: Less work for me? Sure, why not?

Bender hands the paper over and Zoidberg develops a large grin.

Back inside the porta potty, Zoidberg walks toward the back wall.

URINAL: Input coordinates now.

ZOIDBERG: I can't go back to being a nothing. A few moved decimal points and the adventure continues.

The crew travels through space and time again.

FRY: Next stop, home!

The porta potty stops in the middle of a street and Fry hops out happily.

FRY: Hello Earth! Man, have I missed you! *he kneels and kisses the ground. He sits up afterward and wipes his mouth* YUCK! Is it just me, or does Earth taste different? Like it's gone stale!

BENDER: (looks up) Maybe we're on another planet.

LEELA: My wristamajig says it's Earth all right. But we're TWENTY-FIVE YEARS IN THE FUTURE.

FRY: Wow! I always wanted to live in the future!

A green robot with tank-like treds and a laser gun rolls up behind Fry.

ROBOT: Freeze, human! What are you doing outside of the slave farm?

FRY: Oh... hi, future robot! We're just passing through!

ROBOT: Humans do not have the right to speak! *he wacks Fry in the head with his gun*


BENDER: Whoa, pal! I like hurting humans as much as the next robot, but that guy's a pal of mine.

ROBOT: A robot? Befriending a human?

A green skinned mutant with darker green hair holds up her own rifle at Leela.

MUTANT: How about YOU, mutant? Are you buddies with Mr. Perfect DNA, too?

LEELA: Fry? He's hardly perfect, but yes I AM!

The robot and mutant use their rifles to smack Bender and Leela in the head, knocking them out.

ZOIDBERG: Looks like it's time for Dr. Zoidberg to save the day again.

ROBOT: You're coming with...

ZOIDBERG: (runs up) Just wait! Something will happen! I'll do something unexpected and fortunate to stop you and help me rescue my friends!

They stare at each other for a moment, Zoidberg grinning smugly. Then it fades and he wrings his claws together.

ZOIDBERG: Well, this is awkward!

The robot hits Zoidberg over the head with his rifle, knocking him out as well. The crew wakes up later inside a building on a carpet. Fry moans as he rubs his head.

MUTANT: You're awake! Good! Rise scum and meet your glorious leader!

ZOIDBERG: (holds his head) Ow!

MUTANT: The Right Honorable Prime President, SIR LEELAN VON FRY-BOT!

Standing in front of a throne and wearing a crown and robe is a man who is half human and half robot. His robot body looks identical to Bender's and his head looks like a mix of Fry and Leela. He has Fry's hair-horns and Leela's ponytail, all in Fry's red color along with one eye.

LEELA: Look, we don't want any trouble. We just want to go back to our own time.

LEELAN: I'm afraid I can't let you do that MOM AND DAD!




ZOIDBERG: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening either. WHAT?

LEELAN: Aren't you proud? Your son grew up to lead the robots and the mutants in a revolution against the humans! Now they're our slaves.

BENDER: Well, I gotta say I'M kinda proud!

LEELAN: As a half human, half mutant I faced much prejudice from humanity. The mutants though, they just accepted me for who I was. When I disassembled Bender and used his strong metal organs to replace my weak flesh ones, I gained the friendship of the robots as well. Soon, I was powerful enough to overthrow mankind.

BENDER: Okay, I'm a bit less proud now that I know you killed me.

LEELA: Taking over the world? That's not the way we raised you. At least, I'm assuming it's not.

LEELAN: If I send you back in time with the knowledge of that is to come, you might try and stop me. No, I'm sorry mom and dad. I think I need to send you and your friends to your room for a time out to think about what you've done!

Later on, Bender, Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg are sitting in a dungeon cell.

BENDER: A lifelong time out? That's so not fair!

LEELA: Our child is a monster, we're trapped in the future... how could this get any worse?

FRY: (smiles) I can see an upside. If we have a kid, it means Leela and I eventually--

Leela slaps him before he can finish.

FRY: (rubs his cheek) Hey, what was THAT for?

LEELA: For what happens in the future. I mean the past. I mean...

ZOIDBERG: (throws up his claws) Come on now, people! We have to escape and overthrow your son. Save the world and whatnot!

FRY: I can't do it. As bad as he is, I see too much of Leela in him to hurt him!

LEELA: I just can't fight my own son.

BENDER: Most of his organs are made of me. I can't fight me. I'm my favorite person!

ZOIDBERG: Well, if YOU'RE not going to do something, then I will! Dr. Zoidberg doesn't need dumb luck to be a hero! *he points at the barred window* Bender, bend those bars!

BENDER: Only if I get your medals!


BENDER: No medals, no bending!


He pulls the medals out of his pocket and Bender rips the bars off the window.

Soon... Leelan stands on a balcony, speaking to a large crowd of robots and mutants. Zoidberg is at the very back of the group.

LEELAN: Friends, mutants, robot-men, lend me whatever receivers you use to process sound! I come not to praise humans but to bury them!

ZOIDBERG: There he is. Now all I have to do is make it through the crowd, climb up to the balcony, and stop him!

A moment later, the doctor is walking down an alley.

ZOIDBERG: Awww! I can't do it! Who am I fooling? I'm a loser and a coward!

Behind a dumpster, he runs into an older and sandal-less version of himself.

OLD ZOIDBERG: Keep it down! People are trying to regret their shameful life choices over here!

ZOIDBERG: What? Is that ME? I mean YOU? I mean...

OLD ZOIDBERG: I'm you in the future all right! Shortly after you hide in shame behind this dumpster, you run and find the porta potty.

ZOIDBERG: So you get home? I mean I get home? That's good, right?

The older Zoidberg begins to narrate over flashbacks. The first is him running out of the porta potty to meet Hermes and the professor.

OLD ZOIDBERG: When I came back without the rest of the crew I was too ashamed to say I escaped without them. So I told them everyone was killed but me.

The next shot is the professor in his lab, a red-haired child in a tank behind him.

OLD ZOIDBERG: The professor missed them so much he decided to make a clone of Fry and Leela. But he only had enough genetic material for one so he mixed the two.

After that is a young Leelan sitting on the lap of a bending unit, giggling as the robot burps a large flame.

OLD ZOIDBERG: He downloaded Bender's backup memories into another bending unit to be a nanny for the baby. He kept him entertained with lullabies about killing all humans.

Lastly, a frame of the current Leelan looking from a balcony as his robot guard leads humans away at rifle-point. Among the people are an older Scruffy, Amy, and Cubert.

OLD ZOIDBERG: Those lullabies must have sunk in because eventually he overthrew humanity. I knew it was coming, but I was too much of a coward to say anything. *back in the present, the older doctor shakes the younger* Don't make the same mistake I did, young Zoidberg! Be brave! Face your fears! Act like you have an inksack for once!

ZOIDBERG: You're right, old Zoidberg! I'll DO it!

Soon... The older Zoidberg walks into the main chamber to see Leelan sitting on his throne.

OLD ZOIDBERG: Mr. Prime President!

LEELAN: Dr. Zoidberg? What are YOU doing here? Shouldn't you be cowering behind a dumpster or something?

OLD ZOIDBERG: I've come to stop you! You don't scare me anymore.

LEELAN: Really? Good for you!

He pulls out a laser gun and fires, turning the lobster into a pile of ash. Next to the pile is a small radio.

LEELAN: That was some out of character bravery. Say, what's that? Some kind of walkie-talkie? Why would Zoidberg have had that behind him?

ZOIDBERG: (rushes in and closes his claw around Leelan's throat) So THIS Zoidberg could get behind YOU!

LEELAN: Whoa! Easy now! My neck's still human! I give! I give!

ZOIDBERG: (looks over at the older Zoidberg, who is "naked", but alive) Thanks for lending me your shell.

OLD ZOIDBERG: No! Thank YOU! I've never BEEN so proud of me! Now if you'll excuse me, it's drafty in here, and I'm going to steal some of the Prime President's nice warm clothes!

ZOIDBERG: (frowns at Leelan) Okay, Mr. Hoity Toity! Time to free my friends and humanity!

One freeing of all humans later... Bender, Zoidberg, and Fry stand a bit away from Leelan, who is now in large cuffs. Two human police officers have rifles pointed at him.

LEELA: Your father and I are very, very disappointed in you, son!

LEELAN: Yeah, yeah! Bite my semi-flesh, semi-metal ass!

FRY: (hugs Leelan tightly) Aw, I know he's a genocidal maniac, but I just can't stay mad at him!

LEELAN: (grimaces) Ewwww! Can I just go to my war crimes trail now?

LEELA: Well, Dr. Zoidberg, you really saved the day!

BENDER: You sure did, pal!


FRY: When we get back home, we'll tell everyone what you did! I'm sure they'll throw you a big party!

ZOIDBERG: A party? With cake, maybe?

The four of them head for the porta potty to return home.

BENDER: You bet! Nothing's too good for our hero!

ZOIDBERG: Zoidberg! A HERO! Finally, respect and honor!

The porta potty takes one last trip through time.

FRY: Next stop, 3007!

When they arrive in the lounge, Fry hops out.

FRY: Hi, Professor! Hi, Hermes! Wait until we tell you what Dr. Zoidberg did!

The professor pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the four of them in the face.


FRY: What's that? Deodorizer? We didn't use the porta potty for THAT!

PROFESSOR: It's a lilac-scented short term memory eraser! We can't have you coming back from the future knowing what will happen. You could damage space and time itself and totally cheat at the lotto!

HERMES: You were saying something about what Zoidberg did.

FRY: I was, but now I can't remember a thing.

HERMES: (turns to Zoidberg) Then I'll assume you screwed up as usual. I'm docking you one month's pay!


PROFESSOR: We were so worried. We could have lost you!

LEELA: That's sweet!

PROFESSOR: Sweet nothing, we can't afford to miss a day's deliveries if you die on a time-traveling adventure! I'm going to create a backup employee in case this ever happens again! Fry, Leela! I want your DNA samples in my cloning lab by tonight! *he holds out a large floppy disk* Bender, backup your memories onto this disk.

BENDER: I, for one, don't foresee any future repercussions by agreeing to this.

FRY: Sure.

LEELA: No problem.

ZOIDBERG: How about me, Professor? Do you want MY DNA?

PROFESSOR: Oh heavens, NO!

HERMES: Stop bothering the professor, ya useless barnacle catcher!

BENDER: (reaches into his chest and pulls out Zoidberg's medals) Say, what are these? Medals with Zoidberg's name on them? They must be from our trip. I guess he did something heroic after all. Well, there's only one decent thing to do with these.

Later, Bender is wearing the medals. Zoidberg's name has been crossed out and his own is added over them.

BENDER: Hey, guys! Check out my medals!



HERMES: (stands behind them, pointing at a sad looking Zoidberg) And another thing, ya useless sack of plankton...!

The End