Comic Transcripts

Comic #29: DOWNSIZED!
Transcribed by dinkdrinker







PROFESSOR: Leela, Fry and Bender, you're being DOWNSIZED!



BENDER: Is this about all the EMBEZZELING? Because if you give me an hour, I think I can pin that all on Zoidberg!

PROFESSOR: Fired? Oh my, no! You're being shrunk down in order to make a delivery to the city hall of the bottle city of GLASSOPOLIS! (he holds out a bottle w/ buildings in it)

FRY: Who lives in there? Ants? I had an ant farm once. But they all died in the horrible Magnifying Glass Massacre of '79.

PROFESSOR: No, this is a city of HUMANS! Their planet became so overpopulated they shrank themselves to make extra room.

LEELA: And that worked?

PROFESSOR: For a time. But soon their world filled up again, and they had to place their larger CITIES in glass bottles and fling them into space in the hopes of finding a suitable new home... I found THIS ONE at a flea market in Hoboken. I thought at first it would make a groovy candle holder before I heard their objections to the hot wax.

BENDER: (picks up the bottle and tries to drink from it) Fascinating!

FRY: Bender, no!

LEELA: (cradling the bottle in her arms) You almost drank their civilization!

BENDER: Well it's their own fault. Bottles are for two things: keeping booze in and throwing during soccer riots!

FRY: So, what's the delivery?

PROFESSOR: A year's supply of glass cleaner. I regularly polish up the outside, but the inside gets filthy!

FRY: So, how are we gonna fit in there? Do you have some sort of SHRINK RAY?

PROFESSOR:A shrink ray? A SHRINK RAY!? That's preposterous! Absurd!

FRY: So, what'll we be using?

PROFESSOR: My Shrinky Dinky fun slide! (he shows them a slide that spirals around smaller and smaller until the end of the slide is barely visible) Good luck, everyone! Remember to keep your hands inside the slide at all times!

BENDER: (at the top of the slide) I want a push! (Fry pushes him) WHEEEEE!



BENDER: (sliding into the neck of the bottle) WHEEEEE! (they all land on top of one another inside the bottle)

LEELA: What an amazing place, an entire world living in a bottle. I wonder how the people living here have been affected.

STUBBY: (Stubby is a man dressed as a glass bottle with an 'S' on it) Greetings!


FRY: BENDER! Stop trying to drink that bottle man!

STUBBY: Oh, it's alright. He's just excited about RECYCLING DAY!

BENDER: (puts Stubby down) Aw man, it's just a guy in a suit!

STUBBY: You bet your glass I am! I'm STUBBY, the recycling day mascot! But you KNEW that! Hurry or you'll be late for the ceremony!

LEELA: We don't have time for that, we need to deliver...

BENDER: Ceremony? That's a fancy word for PARTY, right?

STUBBY: I suppose so.

BENDER: Well, that's why we're here! Point the way!


FRY: (in a long line with Bender and Leela) Whoa! Look at that line up!

LEELA: We'll never get through! It's BOTTLE NECKED!

BENDER: Oh ye of little scams! First, let me get some MUSIC going (he pushes in his antenna and music starts playing. Everyone picks Bender, Fry, and Leela up above their heads and moves them to the front of the line) Everybody mosh pit!

FRY: Woooo!

LEELA: Hey! Watch the hands!

BENDER: (now inside the arena) There you go! Front of the line! BENDER-STYLE!

PRESIDENT: Greetings citizens of Glassopolis! Prepare the honored ones for their GREAT RECYLING! (there is a group gathered around a large hole in the arena floor)

LEELA: So, what's the deal? Did they win a contest or something?

SPECTATOR: No, they just turned 30.

PRESIDENT: Please jump down into the Happy Birthday pit where you'll be BROKEN DOWN, freeing your spirits to be reborn! (the pit is seen to be a large garbage disposal)

LEELA: Wait? You kill all your citizens when they turn 30?

SPECTATOR: Sure, how else do you suggest we keep the population down? Besides once you turn 30, you're pretty much USELESS.

LEELA: Fry and I are over 30 and we're hard working and PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY!

FRY: I'm not really all THAT hard a worker.

SPECTATOR: (points at Leela and Fry) They're over 30! Into the pit with them!

LEELA: Wait! Did I say over 30? I meant I'm 29! (Now on the arena floor with Fry) Bender, do you still have all your BOOTLEG MOVIES on file?

BENDER: Depends who's asking. Are you with Interpol? Because I take those DO NOT COPY MESSAGES on DVDs very seriously!

LEELA: Just project your copy of LOGAN'S RUN on that wall!

BENDER: A MICHAEL YORK film? You don't have to ask me twice!

LEELA: Do you have to play all the ads and trailers first? We're about to be EXECUTED!

BENDER: I don't like them either, but they help keep costs down! Now are you gonna buy a $10 popcorn or what?


30 YR. OLD WOMAN: Their world was so much like ours. They got rid of all their elderly through DECEPTION!

LEELA: Not that 30 is elderly, I mean come on!

30 YR. OLD WOMAN: So recycling is a LIE?

PRESIDENT: Okay, so I got the idea for population control from that movie. I downloaded it from the Intergalactic Internet. I also came up with the idea for our police force from the film JUDGE DREDD.

POLICE: We are the law!

30 YR. OLD WOMAN: We'll rise up and overthrow your despotic- hey, where's my wallet?

SPECTATOR: That robot picked our pockets while we were watching the film.

BENDER: How can you say such a thing?

SPECTATOR: Because you're STILL doing it!



AMY: Your bottle city's pretty close to the edge of the table, Professor. Should I move it in a bit?

PROFESSOR: It'll be fine!

SPECTATOR: We'll corner them on the east side of the bottle!

30 YR. OLD WOMAN: Well technically, there are no corners in a bottle, but, otherwise, it's a good plan!

LEELA: Why do we end up running for our lives during every delivery?

BENDER: C'mon, being chased by angry mobs is the only EXERCISE Fry gets!

FRY: -GASP!- -WHEEZE!- I think we're going to make... (runs into the side of the bottle)

SPECTATOR: Get him, everyone! Uh-oh... (The bottle tips off the edge of the table and rolls across the floor... right under Amy's foot)


AMY: GAAH! (a box she was carrying containing a jeweled egg, china plates, and an old vase go flying)

PROFESSOR: Amy, quit yelling and bring me my Faberge egg, Ming vase, and nitroglycerin-based dinnerware collections!

FRY: (being thrown around inside the rolling bottle) BENDER! Why aren't you being tossed around?

BENDER: I borrowed this cool chair from that bald guy!

PROFESSOR X: Aid me, my mutants! (the bottle rolls outside of Planet Express and stops at the feet of a young elephant)

LEELA: -moan- At least THAT'S over!

FRY: Let's get out of here, and fast! HELP! HELP US!

HORTON: (holding the bottle, looking inside it) Who's that? Who's there?

HORTON'S MOM: (slaps the bottle out of his hands) HORTON! What did I tell you about talking to garbage you pick up off the street?




PRESIDENT: Our city! It's DESTROYED! We'll never be able to rebuild.

BENDER: Well, you know what they say, people in glass houses shouldn't... um... roll around.

FRY: Don't feel bad, just make yourselves big and live on Earth.

SPECTATOR: Our people have been this size for generations. We can't expand to your size anymore!

30 YR. OLD WOMAN: And we can't live in your world at our size, it'd be too dangerous.

BENDER: Here's some good news. The glass cleaner is still fine! Now, a twenty percent tip is standard, but if you're really pleased with the delivery...

PRESIDENT: (looks around) It appears all our doomsday devices survived. Enough to eliminate all life on a full-sized planet. So there's still hope.

BENDER: Hope for a fat tip?

PRESIDENT: (now has a bunch of wires going into a controller) THERE! The timer is set, the auto targeting is on, and the bottle top is open!

LEELA: I know I'll regret asking this, but what are you doing?

PRESIDENT: In one hour, missiles will fire out of the bottle and exterminate all life on Earth, leaving it safe for our people to take over!

BENDER: You can't kill everyone on Earth!


BENDER: There are people out there that owe me money!

LEELA: We'll warn everyone and stop you!

PRESIDENT: Not in JAIL you won't! Police! ARREST them!

POLICE: WE are still the law! Just as we previously stated!

LEELA: ('winks') Well, I guess we just have to look at the BRIGHT SIDE. Right, guys? (grabs the glass cleaner from Bender and squirts it at the side of the bottle) Man, if you want something done right...

GLASSOPOLIS CITIZENS: (shielding their eyes) AAAH! The glass is so clean! It's too bright to see!

LEELA: (running to the top of the bottle with Fry and Bender)Get it? BRIGHT SIDE? Plus I was winking!

BENDER: With you, how can we tell?

FRY: (now outside the bottle) Okay, We're out! Now all we have to do is make it to Planet Express and tell the Professor! He'll know how to stop the missiles!

BENDER: (narrowly escapes getting stepped on) Hey! I'm WALKIN' here!

FRY: (points down the street) There it is!

LEELA: (looks down the street a few blocks) At this size it'll take WAY longer than an hour to get there!

FRY: Let's just take a GREYHOUND!

LEELA: The bus station is even farther away!

FRY: (jumps onto a passing Greyhound dog) Just jump and grab on!

BENDER: (now relaxing on the dog) I have to say, Fry, this is a good idea! We're going to make it to Planet Express in under a minute!

FRY: Yep, when you want a good idea, Fry's the one to come to! Did I ever tell you my idea for the double decker hot dog?


FRY: Is that flee as in run or flea as in the disgusting insect?

LEELA: (points behind Fry and Bender) BOTH!

BENDER: (gets grabbed by a flea) Hey, flea brain! It's THOSE TWO that are full of the tasty blood you want!

LEELA: - Hi-YAA!- (kicks a flea)

FRY: Look at that flea fly! (all the fleas are now cowering in fear from Leela) They're all terrified of you, Leela! That must have been the head flea you just clobbered!

BENDER: Yeah, you're like Lord of the Fleas!

FRY: There's the office! We need to get down off this dog, and fast!

FRY/LEELA: YAAAAH! (Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding the fleas off the dog into Planet Express)

LEELA: We made it! These fleas are so quick, we'll make it to the Professor in no time! ( A vacuum suddenly sucks up the fleas) JUMP! Someone's vacuuming!

HERMES: (vacuuming)Sweet killer bees from Brazil, this place is a mess!

LEELA: The Professor's office is this way! Now be very careful. At our size EVERYTHING is dangerous!

FRY: Bender! LOOK OUT!

BENDER: What the...? (he narrowly misses getting crushed under Amy's exersize ball)

MORBO: (on the TV) Welcome back to 'Yoga With Morbo'. Today we're using ball work to crush your pathetic Earth stresses and tensions!

ZOIDBERG: Can't we change it to the cooking channel for a minute? It's the only way I can enjoy seeing food I can't afford. Today they're making jumbo shrimp! So tender, so succulent... -drool-

BENDER: (runs as he narrowly misses getting hit by Zoidberg's drool) HOLY SPIT!

LEELA: (At the Professor's feet) There he is! Finally!

FRY: Hey Professor! We're down here!

LEELA: HE can't hear you. We'll have to climb him!



LEELA: WE don't have time for this!

FRY: (next to a tent and a fire) Aw, but Bender just set up base camp on the Professor's hip! He's making hot chocolate and s'mores!

LEELA: Keep climbing!


LEELA: (perched on top of the Professor's glasses with Bender and Fry) Now yell as loud as you can! Bender, crank your speakers up to eleven!

FRY/BENDER/LEELA: (leaning into the Professor's view) PROFESSOR! HELP!



PROFESSOR: (looking into a microscope at Fry, Leela and Bender) So the world's going to be destroyed in an hour you say.

LEELA: Yes, but that was fifty minutes ago!

PROFESSOR: We need to re-enlarge you, and quickly!

FRY: Using the Shrinky Dinky fun slide?

PROFESSOR: Don't be absurd! That's for COMPRESSION, not RE-ENLARGIFICATION. (motions toward a table with eight robotic hands) We'll use the Laffy Taffy puller to stretch you out! I got the idea from watching one of Bender's bootleg movies about a chocolate factory with little to no safety regulations. (activates the machine)


FRY: (now standing full size in front of the Professor with Bender and Leela) I think one arm's longer than the other.

PROFESSOR: We can cut your fingers off to even things out later. Right now, we have SIX MINUTES to save the world!

LEELA: Step one is to find that bottle.

BENDER: (now outside- the street is littered with hundreds of bottles) We're boned!

PROFESSOR: Everyone spread out and get looking! The first person to find the bottle city and save the Earth gets a hug!



FRY: (looks in a bottle) Hello? Any civilizations in there?


LEELA: Bender, those bottles still have LIQUID in them. They can't be holding the city we're looking for.

BENDER: No, but they are holding the booze I'M looking for!

LEELA: This is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen!

BENDER: Then I take it you haven't seen Zoidberg and his ketchup bottle collection!

ZOIDBERG: They're so tasty, they're making me CONDIMENTAL!

FRY: (looking inside a bottle) I FOUND it!

PRESIDENT: Take a picture, it'll last longer... than your world! If you try to destroy the weapons, you'll only detonate them! Only I can stop the timer!

FRY: I can barely see and hear them!

BENDER: Take the Professor's glasses and hearing aid! (swipes them off of him)


FRY: (wearing the Professor's glasses and hearing aid) Okay, I can see and hear 'em load and clear! People of Glassopolis! Don't fire your weapons.

PRESIDENT: You destroyed our world, and now we're destroying yours! It's only fair!

SPECTATOR: We need somewhere to live!

FRY: What if we found you another place to live?

PRESIDENT: Okay, you've got thirty seconds. And no SODA BOTTLES or SALT SHAKERS. We want something CLASSY.

LEELA: Where are we going to find place for them to live in thirty seconds? In New New York? In this rental market?

BENDER: (to a street vendor selling souvenirs) Do you have any last minute discounts on Interplanetary souvenir spoons? It's Earth's last minute, and I'd really like to complete my collection. How much for New Genesis, Mongo, and Dagobah?

FRY: (sees the vendor's snow globes) Hmmm...


FRY: So what do you think of your new homes? (they are snow globes, wired together to a speaker)

OBSERVER: Nice! The buildings aren't furnished, but aside from that, it's great! And thanks for putting two way speakers on the globes so we can talk to you and each other!

FRY: How about you, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT: (he is on a 'beach') Yeah, yeah, fine! Now quit blocking the light! I'm trying to work on my tan!

LEELA: Who knew souvenir snow globes would save the world?

PROFESSOR: I think it's in one of Nostradamus' predictions, but I'd have to care enough to look it up. Which I don't.

LEELA: What happened to all the snow water you drained from the globes?

FRY: Bender said he'd get rid of it.

BENDER: Hey, Fry! Did you know there's no booze in snow globe liquid?

FRY: I never said there was. You didn't drink it, did you?

BENDER: Well, I... (belches snow) BRAAAAAP! BRAAAAAP – BRAAAAAP! ('snow' now covers everything)HERMES: I just CLEANED!

FRY: (making a snowman with Leela) I like it! It's like X-mas, but without the family drama and killer robots!

ZOIDBERG: (lying on the floor) I'm making a snow angel-fish!

BENDER: (in a caption bubble) Stick a CORK in it! WE'RE DONE!