A tornado is whipping down the street, picking up people and hovercars as it passes. Tinny Tim and Fender are spinning while secret service is chasing Nixon’s head-jar. Calculon is swinging on a light pole, holding Monique.
MONIQUE: Calculon, DON’T LET GO!
CALCULON: Darling, no ill wind could EVER blow hard enough to make me lose MY LOVE GRIP on you!
Fry and Bender are on the couch in the lounge of Planet Express, watching the scene on tv. People and things are flying past the window.
FRY: Wow, “All My Circuts” has really stopped up the production values. It’s like that windstorm on the show is RIGHT OUTSIDE our window!
Linda gets blown into the frame, holding on tight to a mic.
LINDA: To all New NewYorkers watching at home, this isn’t an episode of “All My Circuts.” This windstorm is RIGHT OUTSIDE your window! *the scene changes to outside in the windstorm* Please stay indoors until we can bring you an answer as to why this strange weather is taking place!
CALCULON: Wait, this is A REAL STORM?! For the LOVE OF MOM! *lets go of Monique* Bring in my stunt double!
LINDA: HA HA HA HA…
The scene changes back to the inside of Planet Express.
BENDER: Monique really looked TERRIFIED! She should TOTALLY win an Emmy for this!
Leela and Amy walk into the lounge carrying bags, Amy’s hair blown back and Leela’s ponytail standing straight up.
FRY: It’s about time you guys got here with lunch!
BENDER: And since when is it okay to stop to GET PERMS on your lunch hour?!
LEELA: We didn’t get our hair done, you moron! In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a nasty windstorm outside!
FRY: Hey, just like on “All My Circuits”!
LEELA: You guys, this is serious—people are being flung though the air like confetti.
AMY: Luckily, I prepared a disaster kit just for a day like this.
She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small can.
LEELA: THAT’S your disaster kit?
AMY: YEP! This can of hair spray is all I need to get me through the worst of times. *she sprays her hair and it comes out looking completely normal* You see? DISASTER AVERTED!
FRY: So it’s a little windy outside. Big deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.
BENDER: Fry, the cable’s GONE OUT! It’s the END OF THE WORLD! *he hugs Fry’s neck* Hold me, Fry. I’m so scared.
FRY: The only thing worse than the end of the world is not being able to watch it happen on TV!
HERMES: (enters) Hey, stop all of this BROKEBACK MOANIN’ and get into the conference room! The professor thinks he knows what’s going on with the weather!
A moment later… everyone is seated around the conference table.
PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I can explain why the weather has gone KERFLOOEY!
PROFESSOR: Now the BAD NEWS, EVERYONE! The high winds are linked to Earth’s imminent destruction in just a few hours... and it may be ALL MY FAULT!
LEELA: Professor, what’s happening to the Earth and how can it be your fault?
PROFESSOR: Just turn your attention to the Projectomatron 5000… *he presses a button on a small remote control. A few holograms show up* This extreme weather is happening all OVER THE PLANET! There have been volcanic eruptions in Iowa, snowstorms in Tahiti, Sahara-like heat in Siberia, and PURPLE RAIN wherever PRINCE’S HEAD JAR goes!
BENDER: I THOUGHT I heard doves crying earlier!
PROFESSOR: These anomalies are being caused by a SHIFT in the Earth’s inner core.
HERMES: GREAT BOA OF SAMOA! How can that be?!
PROFESSOR: The only thing that can cause this kind of activity is a breach of the OUTER CORE, which protects the INNER CORE with a layer of molten liquid!
FRY: But I still don’t get how YOU have anything TO DO with this, Professor.
PROFESSOR: I’m the ONLY inventor who has ever successfully built a vehicle that could travel into inner Earth and withstand its immense pressure and heat. Somehow, that vehicle was STOLEN from Planet Express!
BENDER: (moves away from the table) Heh-heh. Stolen, you say? Shame about that. I’ll just be quietly and unsuspiciously leaving now…
Leela stands and grabs Bender’s antenna.
BENDER: YAAHH! Careful, you’ll YANK IT off!
LEELA: That’s the idea, if you don’t tell us what you’ve done to put us all IN this MESS!
BENDER: All right, all right! Maybe I was an EENSY-TEENSY bit responsible for that ship falling into the wrong hands. But how was I supposed to know what it was capable of?
LEELA: (lets him go and sits) Why don’t you just keep your tin mitts off other people’s property in the first place?
BENDER: (leans forward and points) That’s like me asking you to stop saving our butts or Zoidberg to stop starving! It’s the only way we know to LIVE!
ZOIDBERG: The ro-but has a point.
PROFESSOR: Bender, who in the world did you sell my inner Earth craft to?
BENDER: No one of THIS world. *he thinks* It happened last summer, when Fry and I took part in the ROBOT ARMS ANNUAL YARD SALE…
Flashback. Fry and Bender are standing in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. Bender is holding a large portrait of Elzar and Fry is holding a box of things. There’s a price tag around Fry’s neck.
FRY: Bender, how long do I have to stand out here holding your stuff?
BENDER: Until it becomes SOME OTHER SUCKER’S stuff. Now shut the hell up and look like a bargain!
FRY: (holds up a comic book) Hey, this is MY collection of “Simpsons comics!” They’re in MINT condition and there’s no way I’m selling them in some stupid yard sale!
Bender leans over and flicks the ash from a cigar onto the comics, making a large burn mark.
BENDER: Mint schmint! Just sell the whole stack to one of these dirty mutants for TOILET PAPER!
A small being that looks like it's made of hardened lava with patches of fire walks up to Bender.
CREATURE: Excuse me, sir, but how much for the SHIP?
BENDER: (points behind him) What, THIS old thing...?
The ship is about three times Bender's height, with a set of stairs and a large drill on the front.
BENDER: Make me an offer I can't refuse.
Three of the creatures confer among themselves, speaking in an alien language.
CREATURE: We will give you forty Earth dollars.
BENDER: Throw in a six-pack of Olde Fortran, and I'll have my idiot friend over here clean out the waste matter compartment!
CREATURE: IT'S A DEAL!
They shake hands and the flashback ends.
BENDER: … I had no idea those fat little flame-o's knew what the ship could do! *he pulls two beers out of his chest* Well, it sure felt good to get that off my chest. Let's get drunk to dull the pain of our IMMINENT DEATHS!
LEELA: Professor, do you know these aliens Bender described?
PROFESSOR: Indeed I do. And knowing what they are capable of, the situation is MUCH WORSE than I imagined.
The crew sits around the conference table and the professor sets up a hologram of one of the aliens Bender talked to.
PROFESSOR: They are the MAGMOIDS, a race of aliens whose bodies are made of lava. It’s widely known that MAGMARIA, their home planet, has been suffering from GLOBAL COOLING. To save their world, they have started mining the molten liquid from other planets and pumping it back into their own. I have always wondered how they were able to burrow to the center of other planets. Now that I know they have my ship, it all makes PERFECT SENSE!
HERMES: So now they've come to siphon EARTH'S molten center!
LEELA: And the more molten liquid they extract, the more uneven the pressure between the inner and outer core will become until finally...
PROFESSOR: EARTH. GO. BOOM.
BENDER: (puts his arm around the Professor's shoulders) Professor, I know I screwed up, but since we're all boned anyway, let's not spend out last moments alive all angry and bitter.
FRY: Bender, don't you think you owe us all AN APOLOGY for ending our lives?
PROFESSOR: Never mind that, I have a better idea.
The professor grabs Bender's wrist and begins to pull him away.
BENDER: You do?
PROFESSOR: Now that I know what we're up against, there's ONE LAST CHANCE to save Earth.
A few minutes later... Bender, the professor, and Fry are standing in front of the tunneling ship.
BENDER: Your SHIP?! But how did you--?
PROFESSOR: As any good inventor or computer geek will tell you, always make a COPY of your work!
FRY: What's the plan, Professor?
PROFESSOR: There's little time to spare, but I believe that if we, by which I mean YOU, can drill to the core, maybe you, by which I mean WE, can stop them before the Earth EXPLODES! Leela, I'll need YOU to pilot the ship since you're the ONLY one who CAN.
LEELA: Would it kill SOMEONE ELSE in this company to get their PILOT'S LICENSE?
PROFESSOR: And Fry, Leela will need YOU to keep her awake on the long journey with your stupid stories about the 20th century and your pathetic-yet-comical lovelife.
FRY: I was BORN for this mission.
Bender pulls four bottles of beer out of his chest and holds three out to Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes.
BENDER: Let's raise our bottles to toast these sucker—err, I mean, HEROES!
PROFESSOR: I'm sorry, Bender, but YOU'RE going TOO!
BENDER: One sec...
Bender snatches the beer from Zoidberg, begins to gulp it down, then spits it back at the doctor.
BENDER: Sorry, but that just screamed for a spit-take. You were saying?
PROFESSOR: Due to your construction, it is IMPERATIVE that you join Leela and Fry on the mission as you will most likely be the only one to SURVIVE the pressure of the Earth's interior!
BENDER: (to himself) A trip to inner Earth where I might be the ONLY SURVIVOR? There's still a way to make this worth my while yet.
The professor climbs into the ship and Fry, Bender, and Leela follow.
LEELA: So how do we stop the Magmoids when we find them?
PROFESSOR: Their bodies are made up of the same elements that exist inside the inner core.
Inside the ship, Leela, Bender, Fry, and the Professor are all holding what look like green staffs with a pointed end.
PROFESSOR: Your goal is to trap the Magmoids inside the core's shell and seal off the entrance with THESE... I call them GAMMA PRODS. All you have to do is strike its tip against the area you wish to seal and... voila... the Magmoids are entombed inside the inner core where they will dissolve into the molten liquid and restore the balance of Earth's pressure!
FRY: But how can Leela and I get out of the ship to face off against these guys?
The professor shows them a large container filled with gray suits, gloves, boots, and helmets.
PROFESSOR: These flight suits can withstand the pressure and heat of the Earth's core for one hour. Any longer and you'll melt like cocoa butter on a BRAZILIAN SUNBATHER'S BUTT.
LEELA: (obviously not happy) Lovely.
An hour later... Leela and Fry are suited up inside the ship. Amy, Hermes, the Professor, and Scruffy stand at the door.
PROFESSOR: OFF YOU GO! Good luck to you all!
HERMES: Jah speed!
AMY: Bring me back a t-shirt and a shot glass!
Inside the ship, Leela sits behind the wheel, Fry’s sitting in a chair behind her, and Bender’s standing at a console.
LEELA: Buckle up, guys. Let’s see what this baby’s got under the hood.
The ship starts up with a loud whirring, blasts off from Planet Express, then immediately turns and slams into the street, tunneling down.
A half hour later… the ship is passing large dinosaur bones.
LEELA: Alright, Fry, let’s break the monotony of all this digging. Regale us with one of your stories from the 20th century.
FRY: Well, Leela, there was the time I—
BENDER: Heard it!
FRY: But, Bender, you don’t even know what I was going to say!
BENDER: Nevermind, I’m powering down. *he yawns* Wake me when we hit the center of this Tootsie Pop or we’re dead. Whichever comes FIRST.
2 hours later… the ship is lower, passing only one bone and a $15 bill with Ashton Kutcher on it.
FRY: … so we were forced to eat DIRT until my dad found a new job. I have to tell you—a little salt, some Tabasco, and you almost forget you’re swallowing your yard. ALMOST.
Two hours after that… The ship is even deeper than before and at that depth, there’s nothing around them but dirt.
FRY: Zzzzz… yes dad, I’d love a second helping of DIRTLOAF… zzzzz…
Inside the ship everyone is asleep, Bender standing up, Fry drooling on the console in front of him, and Leela leaned back with her feet up on the steering wheel.
BENDER: (opens his eye panel) Heh! Heh!
He sneaks over to Leela, picks up a book titled ‘Inner Earth 3005’, goes over to the console Fry is drooling on, and begins clicking buttons.
Soon after… the inside of the ship is much lighter than before.
LEELA: (stirs and yawns) Hey, who’s shining that LIGHT in my face?
FRY: (wakes and covers his eyes) OWWW! Bright light, BRIGHT LIGHT!
LEELA: My RETINA!
FRY: Leela, what’s happening?!
LEELA: (flips through the Inner Earth book) Oh my gosh! According to a map in the THOMAS DOLBY GUIDE we’re in an area of the Earth’s transition zone where a mountain range of DIAMONDS has formed over millions of years!
FRY: (squints) IT’S BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE! Is this part of the mission, Leela?
LEELA: (lowers the visor on her helmet) No. But I have a feeling our MISSING CREW MEMBER may be behind this unscheduled pitstop!
Leela walks down the steps, turning back to call to Fry.
LEELA: No, BENDER! We have to find him. Adjust the tint of your helmet shield or the concentrated light of the diamonds out there will permanently BLIND you!
After a short walk, they find Bender using a pickax to chip away at the diamonds.
BENDER: (sings) But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don’t lose their shape. DIAMONDS ARE A ‘BOT’S BEST FRIEND!
LEELA: BENDER! What are you doing?
BENDER: (holds up the bag sheepishly) Just making a small withdrawal from the BANK OF EARTH!
LEELA: Bender, you can’t just take what you want from the Earth! Violating its resources will upset its delicate balance, which is why we’re here in the FIRST PLACE! *holds out her hand* Now give me those diamonds and get back in the ship before we leave your shiny, metal ass BEHIND!
BENDER: (crosses his arms) FINE! Just so you know, I was gonna give you a PIECE OF THE ACTION.
Bender hands the bag over and begins to climb the stairs onto the ship.
LEELA: Are these the airbags from the ship’s dashboard?!
BENDER: Well, they were just laying there not saving anyone’s life!
A little later… outside the ship is a dark red color.
LEELA: All right, guys, according to the ship’s computer, we’re about to burst through to the OUTER CORE! Hold on tight!
BENDER: (his mouth and eyes go staticy) I enjoy Burt Bacharach records… I’ve had my ANTENNA ENLARGED because of crippling insecurity… I doctored Fry’s life insurance, making me HIS PRIMARY BENEFICIARY…
FRY: Bender, what’s wrong with you?
LEELA: Since we’re getting closer to the center of the Earth where the MAGNETIC FORCES are stronger, Bender’s inhibition unit isn’t FUNCTIONING properly!
FRY: So he’s revealing his DIRTY SECRETS?!
BENDER: I sell stray dogs to SULLASTANIAN RESTAURANTS… I know where the Professor HIDES THE BODIES…
LEELA: Strap Bender in and get back to your seat, Fry!
Fry shackles Bender to the wall.
BENDER: (singing) Duuuusssst in the wind! All we are is dust in the wiiiinnnnd…
The ship breaks through the wall and into a large cavern. There is a stream of magma on the floor that leads to a glowing orange ball.
LEELA: WE DID IT! We’re inside the OUTER CORE and just outside the INNER CORE!
FRY: Great job, Leela! But THIS can’t be good…
LEELA: The Magmoids have almost COMPLETELY mined the outer core! If we don’t stop them right away, the Earth is going to BLOW!
FRY: But how will we find the Magmoids before it’s TOO LATE?!
LEELA: We’ll just have to follow this river of molten liquid and PRAY!
BENDER: (singing) And it’s 1, 2, 3, what are we fighting for? Don’t ask me I don’t give a damn! Next stop is VIETNAM…!
LEELA: We’re picking up speed! The ship’s moving TOO FAST for me to steer anymore!
FRY: AHHH! We’re heading right for THE SUN!
LEELA: That’s not the SUN! It’s the INNER CORE!
FRY: (gasps and points) Is THAT who we’re looking for?!
Outside the ship, a group of Magmoids has covered Earth’s inner core with metal plating and are attaching large tubes to drain the molten lava.
LEELA: YES! WE FOUND THE MAGMOIDS!
Fry and Leela exit the ship holding their gamma prods and are met by a group of Magmoids.
LEELA: Stop right there and put back our planet’s core, you… lava larcenists!
MAGMOID: Honestly, I didn’t think any of you so-called “Earthlings” would give a CRAP! You’ve been squandering your natural resources for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. So why the big concern all of a sudden?
FRY: Hey, we may waste what we’ve got, and yes, we’ll probably destroy Earth eventually, but it’s OUR planet to ruin, and we’re willing to fight for the right to SCREW IT UP how and when we please!
LEELA: Right on, Fry!
MAGMOID: Sorry, but our work here is almost done… *the magmoids group together* … so it’s time for us to SPLIT!
LEELA: You’re about to find out why PARTING is such SWEET SORROW!
FRY: Hey, SNAPPY COMEBACK, Leela!
LEELA: (smiles) I got it from that Arnold Schwarzenegger biography you gave me for my birthday.
MAGMOID: Enough! DESTROY THEM!!!
The two sides launch at each other. Fry and Leela begin to stab at the Magmoids and freeze them.
FRY: Hey, these prods can turn them into SOLID STONE!
LEELA: Which will melt back into the molten core and REPLENISH it!
FRY: Get out of my planet, or I’ll stick you WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE!
MAGMOID: Too late, we’re ALREADY there!
A Magmoid snaps its arm out and nabs Fry’s prod.
MAGMOID: Now we’ve got your WEAPON! *looks down at Leela* Drop YOUR weapon, or I will shove this gamma prod directly into the remaining molten liquid, which will give the outer core the SAME DENSITY as the inner core, causing Earth to EXPLODE!
On the ship, the chains holding Bender’s arms snap.
LEELA: You wouldn’t dare end your own lives after coming so close to ensuring the future of Magmaria!
MAGMOID: If we don’t escape with Earth’s elements, our planet is doomed anyway. We have NOTHING TO LOSE! Now what will it be?
LEELA: (drops her prod) Alright, you win!
The chains holding Bender’s legs snap as well.
MAGMOID: Quickly, finish the extraction, but leave just enough molten liquid to give us time to escape before the Earth explodes!
BENDER: (singing) This little light of mine… *Bender comes down the ship’s stairs, his chest cabinet open and glowing brightly* … I’M GONNA LET IT SHINNNNNE!
LEELA: YOW! *lowers her helmet shield* Fry, set your helmet shield on MAXIMUM TINT! Bender must have re-swiped those diamonds and hid them in his chest! Quick! Get the prods so we can STICK IT to these hotheads!
They both get their gamma prods back. Leela swings at a group around her, Fry begins to stab at Magmoids, and the two of them end up next to each other, stabbing in opposite directions. Amid the fighting, Bender does the backstroke in a river of lava.
BENDER: (singing) There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’, it’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls for the times they are a-changin’.
A few minutes later…
BENDER: (singing) This land is your land, this land is my land…
LEELA: (closes Bender’s chest door) Good job, Bender. You may be a conniving, manipulative thief, but at least you’re OUR conniving, manipulative thief!
FRY: (pulls his feet out of the melting Magmoids) Leela, this place is filling up quick! What do we do?
LEELA: (pulls Bender along) Go to their ship and reverse the pump’s flow of molten liquid! It will SPEED up the refill of the outer core!
Fry makes his way to the other ship, reverses the pumps, then tries to dash back through the raising lava.
LEELA: C’mon, Fry, we’re running out of time!
They get back in the ship and Fry stands behind Leela’s seat while the liquid gets higher on the windshield.
FRY: It’s almost full!
LEELA: Nothing gets past you, does it? Hang on, Fry! All engines FULL THRUST!
The ship starts up and takes off, tunneling up through the rock.
FRY: We saved the Earth, Leela!
BENDER: And I, BENDER, can’t remember a thing. So I’m just going to assume I’M the hero!
A few days later… there is a calm scene from outside Planet Express.
FRY: Ah, another PERFECT DAY in New New York city.
Inside, Bender sits on the couch with his arms crossed. Fry is next to him with his feet up on the table.
BENDER: If by “perfect,” Fry, you mean “POOR!”
LEELA: I know it stinks that the Professor took all of your diamonds, Bender, but since his drilling ship DID nearly cause the end of the world, THE DOOP is insisting he pay the reparations to REBUILD the world’s cities.
FRY: But what do WE get for saving everyone’s butts? It seems like every time we save the day, all we get is a lousy “thank you.”
LEELA: You got a “THANK YOU”? From WHO? Maybe you’re right. It wouldn’t kill the professor to give us a BONUS every now and then for doing THE DIRTY WORK, would it?
BENDER: I never thought I’d see the day, but you meatbags are finally subscribing to the Bender school of helping mankind. Put simply… *he holds out three large diamonds* … ”I get MY CUT before I save YOUR BUTT!”
LEELA: But I thought you gave all the diamonds to the Professor!
BENDER: Let’s just say my shiny, metal ass has MANY USES. Now go on and take one for yourselves—what the Professor don’t know won’t hurt him.
LEELA: Bender, thank you so much! Now I can make that BROACH I’ve always wanted for Nibbler’s diaper!
BENDER: (turns to Fry) So how are YOU going to waste my RARE DISPLAY OF GENEROSITY?
Fry glances at Leela, who is playing with Nibbler.
FRY: Oh, I think I’ll just save it for SOMEONE SPECIAL some day.
BENDER: Ahhh, human love… how PATHETIC.
Meanwhile, across town… the Professor is talking to Glab inside Doop headquarters.
GLAB: These DIAMONDS will more than cover the cost to rebuild the damaged cities, Professor Farnsworth!
PROFESSOR: That’s every stone my bending unit brought back. It’s the least I can do for all the hullabaloo my drilling ship caused. Please accept my most humble apologies for all the trouble.
GLAB: Apology ACCEPTED.
PROFESSOR: Well, I know you have much work to do, so I will just see myself out.
GLAB: Thank you, Professor, and may your humble, humanitarian gift stand as a testament to the enduring nature of all Earth-kind!
PROFESSOR: Righty-o and OFF I GO!
The professor walks out and toward a waiting hover-limo.
PROFESSOR: What a gorgeous day! I think I’ll just put on my SUNGLASSES!
The door of the limo opens and there are two old women inside.
WOMAN #1: Hubie, c’mon! We’re going to be late for the party at the RITZ CARL-TRON!
WOMAN #2: Yeah, I want to be the first one to swim in the pool of KRISTAL CHAMPAGNE!
The Professor is now wearing diamond crusted glasses and a diamond Planet Express ship on a chain around his neck.
PROFESSOR: Be right there, ladies! All this BLING makes it hard to move!
Once he’s in, the limo takes off.
WOMAN #1: Are you sure you won’t get in trouble for not giving ALL your diamonds to the government, Hubie?
PROFESSOR: What the Doop DON’T KNOW won’t hurt them!
SCRUFFY: (in caption bubble) It’s THE END of another adventure without Scruffy.