Comic Transcripts

Comic #16: Kickin. It Old School
Transcribed by Umbreon


The professor fearfully backs away from a giant ant.

PROFESSOR: NO! Don’t lay your eggs in my brain!

ANT: Sorry to startle you.

They shake hands/claws.

PROFESSOR: That’s all right. I’m old, I’m afraid of everything. Is this the parent teacher conference room?

ANT: No, that’s next door. This room is for the parent CREATURE conferences.


The professor is sitting at a desk across from a teacher.

TEACHER: Ah, Mr. Farnsworth…

PROFESSOR: That’s PROFESSOR Farnsworth. I didn’t go to professsoring university for ten years to be called MISTER.

TEACHER: (holds out a paper) Well, professor, I’m Cubert’s teacher, and I’d like to talk to you about his latest report card.

PROFESSOR: (holds his head) SWEET STEPHEN HAWKING! This is terrible!

TEACHER: Terrible? I thought you’d be happy. Cubert is a model student who got “A”s in all his classes.

H.G. BLOB: (walks in with his son) S’cuse me. I have a 2:30 appointment to talk about my son’s D minus in art.

TEACHER: (floats inside H.G. Blob’s “stomach”) Well then, if there’s nothing else, professor?

PROFESSOR: (sighs) … no.

TEACHER: (burbles)

Later on, the professor holds up a thermometer.

PROFESSOR: BAD NEWS, everyone! I had Zoidberg take Cubert’s INTELLECTUAL TEMPERATURE with this I.Q. TERMOMETER.

CUBERT: Why couldn’t it have been an ORAL thermometer?


ZOIDBERG: I just have a bad aim, SORRY.

PROFESSOR: Cubert’s I.Q. has dropped 5 points. He’s gone from “A+”s to “A”s. He’s just a genius, not a SUPER GENIUS.

BENDER: Aw, I’m sorry you’re stupid, kid. Here’s a shiny object for you to look at!

Bender pulls out a pocket watch and begins to swing it, immediately getting Fry’s attention.

FRY: Ooooh.

HERMES: (checks his pockets) Hey, MY WATCH.

CUBERT: (turns to Fry, Leela, and Bender) Oh please. Next to the three of you I’m the co-clone of EINSTEIN and BRANIAC 5.

FRY: Oh, so you think I’m not smart, are I? Well…

CUBERT: (throws his backpack over his shoulder) I’m off to school. That’ll give you seven hours to think of a comeback!

PROFESSOR: (grabs the collar of Cubert’s shirt) Hold it right there, young man! I’m pulling you OUT of that brain-dissolving pit.

CUBERT: You’re going to keep me out of school so that I’ll get SMARTER? That’s COMPLETELY illogical.

PROFESSOR: I agree. That’s why I’m sending you to BOARDING SCHOOL!

Cubert gasps.

BENDER: You mean, that school where they bore holes in your skull and insert the knowledge manually?

LEELA: No, that’d be BORING SCHOOL, and you just made that up.

FRY: I don’t know, Leela. I’ve been to some pretty boring schools.

PROFESSOR: (points at the three of them) You see? This is just the sort of stupidity that’s rubbing off on you! I don’t want you hanging out with Fry, Leela, and Bender any more. *shows Cubert a paper* Now, here’s a list of boarding schools. Fry, Leela, and Bender will take you to them and choose the one that’s best for you.

CUBERT: But I thought I couldn’t spend time with them.

PROFESSOR: If you’re implying I’m losing my short-term memory… *turns and puts on a hat* Well, I don’t have time to discuss it. There’s a parent teacher conference today. Goodbye!


The Planet Express ship takes off away from Earth.

CUBERT: So the loser crew of idiot express sets off on another bonehead adventure.

LEELA: Settle down, Cubert.

The Planet Aquarius XII

The group walks down an underwater hall with a teacher, all of them except Bender wearing scuba suits. Books and sea-life float around.

FRY: So the entire school is underwater?

TEACHER: Yes, the classrooms, the labs, the gym, everything is underwater except for the swimming pool. That’s above ground. It was much cheaper. So what brings you here?

LEELA: The professor wants to see Cubert’s grades go up.

TEACHER: Oh, we don’t have GRADES here.

BENDER: (grabs an electric eel and gets shocked) Y-y-you D-D-DON’T?

TEACHER: No, we reward good work with OXYGEN! Keeps the children motivated!

A boy who’s beginning to turn blue walks up to the teacher pointing at his helmet.

BOY: Mmmph!

TEACHER: Yes, well you should have thought about breathing BEFORE you handed in that book report. The count of Monte Cristo was NOT a vampire!


On the ship, Cubert looks bored, Leela pilots, and parts of Bender begin to rust.

BENDER: Hey, Fry, pick a number between one and infinity.

FRY: Um… 1,274,549?

BENDER: That’s IT!

FRY: What did I win?

BENDER: (holds up a toilet scrubber) The chance to scrub the RUST off my BUTT.

FRY: (kneels and scrubs) Aw, man, I ALWAYS win that!


The crew stand in a room full of completely silent students.

FRY: Why isn’t anyone TALKING?

DEAN: (points at the teacher, a human-looking alien with a huge head) Our instructor is a TELEPATH. He sends his lessons directly into the minds of our students. What HE thinks, THEY think.

BENDER: (slugs the teacher’s arm) Well, that’s one way to shut those brats up, huh, teach?

TEACHER: (rubs his arm) Ow, *@#!!

STUDENTS: (rubs their arms) Ow, *@#!!

Rowling VI

Fry, Leela, Bender, and Cubert stand in a large hall, with all the students in long black robes and sitting at long, narrow tables.

BOY: Oh, yes, our school is a magical, wonderful place! We learn potions, spells, and play a sports game using brooms!

FRY: Wow, like some kind of whacked-out flying soccer match?

BOY: No, it’s called CURLING! Yes, everything is wonderful here except for the occasional INCIDENT.

A teacher bursts into the hall, followed by a dragon breathing fire and a large troll holding a gold egg.

TEACHER: Run! The CELLAR TROLL has escaped and has freed the DRAGON who has the PHOENIX EGG from the MIRROR of MYSTERIES!


The crew and the students run for cover while the monsters destroy the hall, while Cubert stands and stares.


BOY: (tugs on Cubert’s shirt) Excuse me, why aren’t you fleeing and or cowering?

CUBERT: Because there’s no scientific basis for trolls, dragons, or magic of any kind! *he holds up a book as the monsters stop rampaging to watch* Every spell in this text book is completely illogical!

TEACHER: (snatches the book away) NO! Be QUIET! This school is based on BELIEF! If the students lose their faith—

CUBERT: A school can’t exist on faith alone! It’s…

TEACHER: No, don’t say it again!


The monsters and hall all disappear in a large ‘POOF’, leaving the children groaning in the middle of an open field.



The ship is parked outside what looks like a normal Earth boarding school.

LEELA: Well, I have to say that your school has been the best so far.

BENDER: (turns and waves) And since it’s the last one on the list, SO LONG, CUBERT!

DEAN: We’d be pleased to add young Cubert to our student body. We have over ONE MILLION students at the present time and… *a bell rings and they walk out into the hall* FIRE DRILL! All right, students, everyone line up outside, single file!

Outside, the dean walks up to a brownish alien who is standing to the side of the other students.

DEAN: Why aren’t you at the back of the line, student?

STUDENT: Because I’m at the FRONT of the line.

The crew gawks at the long line that disappears into the distance and circles around right next to them.

FRY: Man, you either need less students or a bigger planet.

DEAN: We’re proud of our policy of accepting EVERYONE who applies no matter grade point average, age, or molecular density.


CUBERT: (holds out papers and pens) Well, thanks for all you’ve done. If you could just sign these papers!

LEELA: You’re taking this very well, Cubert. I’m impressed with your maturity.

CUBERT: See you in class, suckers!

The dean pats the three of them on the backs with his three arms.

FRY: Huh?

DEAN: I’m so glad that the three of you have decided to ATTEND our school.

CUBERT: (holds out the same papers) Ha! Those were admittance forms you signed. You’re stuck here for as long as I am!

BENDER: (surprised) In school?

LEELA: (shocked) Stuck?

FRY: (freaks out) NOOOOO!

They head to the Dean’s office, who’s putting papers away.

LEELA: We don’t want to go to school! We’re adults!

DEAN: I’m sorry. Much like the army, once you’re signed up you can’t get out until you finish your hitch. Unless of course you get a note from your parents or employer excusing you. Feel free to use my phone. But hurry, class starts in two minutes.

FRY: My parents have been dead almost a thousand years.

BENDER: My only parent is the loveable corporate CEO and occasional dictator Mom, ™ and © Mom Corp. All human rights reserved. Her home number isn’t listed.

LEELA: And mine are mutants. They don’t HAVE phones. *dashes for the phone* The PROFESSOR! He can write us a note.

Somewhere back at Planet Express, a phone rings. No one is in the room with it.

LEELA: C’mon! Pick up! PICK UP! *turns to Fry and Bender* He’s not answering. Neither is Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, or Scruffy.


A loud ‘BONNG’ sounds.

BENDER: (looks at the ceiling) What the hell? If that’s God calling, I’m not here!

DEAN: There’s the first bell. Off to your classes!

BENDER: We’re not going, and you can’t make us!

FRY: Yeah!

LEELA: Yeah!

DEAN: DETENTION-BOT! *a large yellow robot wearing an orange sash enters* Three hours for each of them.

DETENTION-BOT: We can do this the hard way or the HARD3 WAY!

The Detention-Bot picks them up and carries them into a room with five students in it already. One boy has brown hair and a plaid red shirt, another is well built and wears a tank top, and a third is skinny with blonde hair. One girl with red hair has a bag and a pink top, and the last is a girl wearing all black.

SKINNY BOY: And that’s when the jocks took the tape and…

DETENTION-BOT: All of you OUT! We need this room!


DETENTION-BOT: Out! Find somewhere else to overcome your differences and bond!

Bender sighs.

FRY: Man, I HATED school!

LEELA: You think you had it hard? The kids wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I was a social pariah. *thinks back to her younger self, sitting and eating alone*

FRY: Man, that’s the 2nd worst kind of pariah to be! I had a gym teacher whose only joy was making my life a living hell. *has a flashback to his PE class*


YOUNG FRY: Laps, like you said, sir.

GYM TEACHER: Did I tell you, you could SWEAT? Okay, listen up, class! You all have to do one push up for every drop of sweat on Fry’s body.

STUDENT: (growls) We’ll get you after class, Fry!!

LEELA: How about you, Bender? You’ve been quiet, and it can’t be that you’re being polite.

BENDER: I… I… don’t want to talk about it.

FRY: (puts his arm around Bender) C’mon, we shared our stories, and mine was even interesting.

BENDER: Fine. I never told anyone, but when I was in bending school, I… I had a LEARNING DISABILITY. *flashes back to bending school, where all the bending units are doing work as Bender chews his pencil and eyes his paper*

FRY: Bender, we didn’t know.

BENDER: All the other benders called me “SLOW-BOT THE ROBOT.”

FRY: But you overcame your disability.

LEELA: Robots can be programmed to be so cruel.

BENDER: Oh yeah, turned out my operating system dish was in backwards. *pulls a 3.5 floppy disk out of his head* But it was a horrible five minutes until it was fixed.

The three put their hands together.

FRY: Look, whatever happens, we have to stick together.

LEELA: You got it!

BENDER: We watch each other’s backs!

Detention-Bot comes back in, holding out three slips of paper.

DETENTION-BOT: All right, delinquents, detention is over! Get to class!

They walk down the hall, looking at their assignments.

BENDER: I’ve got math.

LEELA: I have study hall.

FRY: (makes a face) I have *shudders* gym!

Later on, Bender sits in math class.

MATH TEACHER: All right, class, please complete the following algorithms. You have one hour.

BENDER: (thinks) Can’t let the other students think I’m dumb. I won’t let that happen again. *he prints a long list of answers out of his mouth and walks up to the front* Here you go, teacher!

MATH TEACHER: What? Already? Well done… BENDER is it? *looks through the paper* Every question is correct!

BENDER: Well, I AM part Cray calculator.

MATH TEACHER: Students, put down your pencils! Due to the extreme bell curve we use for testing, Bender’s perfect score has caused the rest of you to FAIL!

A few students grumble.

BENDER: (thinks) Yes! Now that they think I’m smart, they’ll HAVE to like and respect me!

Meanwhile, another teacher shows Leela to study hall.

TEACHER: Kids, this is a new student. Please make Leela feel at home.

LEELA: (thinks) Gotta try and fit in. *she sits next to three girls, a human with red hair, another human with blue hair, and a cat-like alien with brown hair* Yo, what up, dog?

CAT GIRL: Did you call us DOGS?

LEELA: I… uh… meant this is a great school… real dope!

BLUE HAIR GIRL: Are you trying to sell us drugs?


RED HAIR GIRL: But where will we get an ostrich?

BLUE HAIR GIRL: Emily, you really need to work on your dictionary skills!

LEELA: (mentally sighs and thinks to herself) What’s the use? I didn’t fit in THEN, and I don’t fit in NOW. *speaks* Fine! I’ll leave you alone. I’ll be studying in my spaceship if anyone needs me.

BLUE HAIR GILR: (points out the window) That’s YOUR spaceship?

LEELA: Yes. Well, see ya.

The girls jump in front of her.

CAT GIRL: Wait! You can DRIVE?

LEELA: I’m the ship captain.


Leela and the girls walk out into the hall and Bender rushes past.

BENDER: Hey, Leela, how’s it goin’?

LEELA: I think I’m popular. You?

BENDER: Fleeing for my life! See ya! …need a disguise! *he pulls the shirt and glasses off of a nerdy student he passes and puts them on* There! Now NO ONE will mistake me for that BRAINY student, Bender!

STUDENT: (points) There’s the guy who gave us bad grades! Now he’s an even BIGGER nerd. Let’s continue to get him!

BENDER: (gasps) They saw through my brilliant disguise!

Bender continues running from the kids, eventually getting to the track where Fry is.

FRY: Hey, Bender! Fleeing for your life, huh?

BENDER: Yeah, catch you later, buddy.

FRY: Word! *thinks* Okay, this is gonna be fine. Not ALL gym teachers are sociopaths. *turns to the other students* Hey, listen, I’m new. How can I make a good impression on the teacher?

BOY: Oh, you should start by doing some exercises on your own.

FRY: Really?

BOY: Oh, yeah, Mr. Deltoid really appreciates it when students show initiative and independent thought.

VOICE: What are you doing? UNAUTHORIZED EXERCISE?!!!

FRY: (looks up mid-push up) Huh?

Another student snickers and Fry screams, noticing that the gym teacher is a man with no skin.

MR. DELTOID: What’s the matter, boy. You’ve never seen a man whose musculature was so perfect that he had his skin removed to share it with the world?

FRY: No, this is new… disturbingly new. Doesn’t it hurt?

MR. DELTOID: Only when I fall into a pile of SALT! Now, Mr. Push up, I was to see you run the 100 METER DASH!

FRY: Fine.

MR. DELTOID: Here are your gravity sneakers. I’ve set the gravity to JUPITER level.

Two hours later…

Fry gets to the finish line, gasping and wheezing.

FRY: I’m… done… sir.

MR. DELTOID: (throws a towel at Fry) Fine, then hit the showers! You took so long all the other kids used up the hot water. And the cold water. All we have left is LIQUID NITROGEN.

Later, Fry stands at in the doorway to the showers wearing a towel.

MR. DELTOID: You’ll have to move around a lot. If you stay still for more then 3.5 seconds you’ll end up like this banana. *holds up a frozen banana and bends it, shattering the middle*

Fry, Leela, and Bender meet up at the front stairs later on. Bender’s still dressed like a nerd and reading a book titled ‘Really hard math’ while Fry is wearing pants and a sweater, shivering and covered in ice crystals.

FRY: S-s-so how was y-y-your first day of sc-sc-school?

LEELA: (holding a cell phone) I can’t believe it! I’m popular! And all it took was having a VEHICLE! Why didn’t anyone tell me that in high school?

BENDER: I think I’m close to being respected. I just have to try harder and SHOW OFF more in class.

FRY: (continues shivering) W-w-we should still tr-tr-try to find a way to escape.

LEELA: Did you miss what I said? I’m POPULAR! Now if you don’t mind I’m on a call with Ashley and Emily!

BENDER: And I have homework to do. Sorry, Fry.

They both walk off.

FRY: B-b-b-but…

Cubert jumps out of the bushes, holding a rolled up piece of paper.

CUBERT: I have an escape plan.

FRY: (jumps back) GAH! Cubert! I f-f-f…

CUBERT: Forgot about me. I KNOW. Now do you wanna hear my plan?

FRY: I’m a-a-all ears. *puts his hand up to his ear, causing it to snap off*

CUBERT: *points* Uh… I think you should see the school nurse.

FRY: We should pee in the pool and use a voodoo curse?! Huh? Speak up!


The ship flies around out in space.

ASHLEY: Oh, man, Leela, this is so cool!

Inside the cabin, Ashley and Emily look out the window while the cat girl sits at a console.

LEELA: Shouldn’t we be getting back? We’ll be late for class.

CAT GIRL: Not if you slingshot around the sun and go back in time an hour or so.

LEELA: I don’t know. I hear that’s really bad for the sun!

ASHLEY: Geez, Leela, and we thought you were so cool.

LEELA: I’m cool! I’m cool! See?

The ship zooms close to the sun, past a sign that reads ‘Danger! NO slingshoting’.

Back at the school, Bender stands at the teacher’s desk holding out a large stack of papers.

BENDER: And there’s my homework for the next FOUR SEMESTERS!

TEACHER: Amazing!


BENDER: (leans over a basket with a small dog inside) You heard the kid! I’M the new teacher’s pet! Hit the road!

The dog whimpers.

TEACHER: The rest of you students could learn from Bender’s example!

BENDER: (thinking) Now that the teacher’s singled me out the other kids will have to respect me!

Five minutes later…

Fry passes under a light post where Bender hangs.

FRY: Hey, Bender. The old flagpole underwear wedgie, huh?

BENDER: Yeah, it’s actually even more painful when you don’t wear underwear.

MR. DELTOID: (runs up behind Fry) Did I say you could stop running, maggot?

FRY: (startled) No, sir! *he takes off, running past Leela*

LEELA: Fry, I…

FRY: Sorry, no time to talk. Mr. Deltoid has me doing a combined 5K run, 10K run, and the LOGAN’S RUN!

A man wearing all black chases after Fry, firing a laser pistol at him.

MAN: Stop, runner!

Leela finds Bender still hanging from the lamppost. In the sky, the orange flare from the sun spreads out and starts to turn the whole sky yellow.

LEELA: Bender, I need your help! I was with some girls, and we slingshotted around the sun, and I think we triggered a supernova.

BENDER: Don’t worry, Leela. I know JUST what to do!

The two end up in the dean’s office.

BENDER: (points at Leela) Dean! Dean! Leela broke the sun!

LEELA: You little fink! I’m going to get you after class by the bake racks!

On the track, Fry is still being chased by Mr. Deltoid. Black smoke is beginning to rise from the gym teacher’s body.

MR. DELTOID: What’s wrong, maggot? *huffs* It getting to hot for you? *huffs* Poor baby can’t take the heat? Well, maybe a few more LAPS *huffs* will cool you down. *huffs*

FRY: It must be even worse for you without SWEAT GLANDS.

The teacher eventually collapses on Fry with a ‘THUD’.

BENDER: Fry! Put down that huge piece of beef jerky and come with me!

FRY: Sure. What up?

Bender heads for the ship in the parking lot.

BENDER: The sun’s blowing up, and Leela’s in detention. We need to take the ship and get out of here.

FRY: NO! Not without Leela and to a lesser extent Cubert and the other students and teachers.

BENDER: (sighs) … fine. We’ll save everybody. Maybe I’ll get extra credit for this. Then my GPA will be so high my classmates will HAVE to respect me.

Later, in detention hall…

Detention-Bot is holding Leela back.

LEELA: You’re not listening…

DEAN: No, YOU’RE not listening. The school year doesn’t end until the summer in FOUR MONTHS.

FRY: (points out the window) The sun is going to fry us all. You don’t get more SUMMER than that.

DEAN: (crosses two of his arms) I’m sorry, rules are rules. No student can leave the school grounds until after the semester.

CUBERT: (runs in holding another rolled up paper) I have and idea!



CUBERT: Forgot about me. Yes, I know! I have a plan that could save us all. But, Dean, you have to let us leave the school.

DEAN: No student can leave the school grounds until the end of the semester. (points his uncrossed third arm at Leela) Bad enough you were joy riding earlier. You’re lucky I don’t expel you.

FRY: (rubs his chin) Expel? *snatches a stack of papers out of Bender’s chest* Bender’s been breaking in to the math teacher’s desk at night and stealing the test answers.

BENDER: (gasps) Fry! How could you rat out a friend?

LEELA: You ratted ME out!

BENDER: That’s what I mean. He’s stealing my schtick!

FRY: And we ALL were in on it!

DEAN: Then you’re ALL expelled! Leave the school grounds immediately!

The four run out of the building, ending up near a bike rack.

FRY: So what’s your plan?

CUBERT: You’re standing in front of it.

BENDER: Your plan is Fry?

CUBERT: Not Fry, the chain locks on the bikes!

FRY: I get it! We use the chains to beat ourselves unconscious so our flaming deaths will be less painful.

CUBERT: Yes, that’s A plan, or if you’d rather have a non-stupid one…

One non-stupid plan later…

The Planet Express ship flies away from the exploding sun, towing the entire school with chain.

LEELA: Those bike chains we linked together are holding strong!

FRY: Yeah, Leela! And since the students are still IN the school, the dean agreed to it.

Inside the ship, Cubert sits at Fry’s usual console, Fry stands behind the captain’s chair, and Bender relaxes with a cigar.

FRY: I sure hope the kids remember to keep the school windows closed. That vacuum of space can get chilly.

LEELA: I’m going to drop them off forty parsecs from here.

FRY: Is that safe?

LEELA: Should be. It’s the Romulan Neutral School Zone.

One dropped off school later…

LEELA: Wow, Earth orbit traffic is really light for INTERGALACTIC RUSH HOUR.

Inside Planet Express, the group walks down the steps off the ship.

FRY: It’s good to be home.

LEELA: Professor? Hermes? ZOIDBERG? AMY? Where IS everybody?!

CUBERT: That’s weird. Why would they leave in such a hurry they left their work lockers open?

BENDER: (pulls things out of a locker and stuffs them in his chest cabinet) Yeah, ANYONE could steal their stuff!

FRY: (walks out the front door) It’s not just the office! Come outside!

Bender and Cubert walk out and stand next to him, looking down the street. A few groceries lay spilled on the sidewalk and a hovercar half floats with one door open.

FRY: This is creepy. Twilight Zone creepy. The good version, not the movie or the two crappy tv remakes.

Leela’s wrist computer flashes.

LEELA: According to a perimeter scan on my wrist thingamabob, we’re the only sentient beings left…

CUBERT: In the city?


A wider shot shows Fry, Leela, Bender, and Cubert standing on a corner, hovercars and bikes strewn in the street at odd angles. Trash litters the ground as newspapers float in the breeze.

FRY: Where did everybody go?

CAPTION BUBBLE: A good question Fry, and one that deserves a… TO BE CONTINUED!