Comic Transcripts

Comic #15: FRY ME TO THE MOON!
Transcribed by dinkdrinker


(The title page shows a 'realistically' drawn Space Boy- he looks like Fry with bulging muscles, holding a smoking gun. He is kneeling atop of a dead Decapodian...

SPACE BOY: You think I'm crazy NOW? Wait 'til I'm REALLY spaced off!)

SCENE: A comic convention. Fry and Bender are waiting in line to get an autograph from Frank Miller's head (who looks less than enthused to being there).

FRY: Oh man, this is AWESOME! Frank Miller's head is going to sign my copy of his reimagining of 'Space Boy In Outer Space', my favorite comic book when I was a kid!

BENDER: Eh... I got over Frank Miller when he did his gritty, updated version of 'Richie Rich'.

FRY: (eyes a beautiful woman setting next to Frank Miller's head) YOWZA! I've never seen a girl that looks like THAT in a comic shop before.

PATRON: Surely you JEST! Beautiful women frequenting comic shops is as common occurrence as a Dr. Doom plan for WORLD DOMINATION!

BENDER: The shut-in's right, Fry. Comic book shops lost their geek-haven status after Hollywood turned EVERY comic into a movie.

PATRON: Drew Barrymore's Oscar-winning portrayal of Little Lulu STILL brings a tear to my eye!

FRY: Wow! You mean sexy women will actually be impressed when I talk about my heterosexual admiration of CAPTAIN AMERICA?

BENDER: Not if you call him THAT. Now he's called CAPTAIN DEMOCRATIC ORDER OF PLANETS!

FRANK MILLER'S HEAD: Hihowareyouthat'sgreatwhatdoyouwantmetosignnoIwon'tsketchBatmanonyourbuttcheek.

FRY:(Finally at the head of the line) Uhh... will you sign my copy of 'Spaceboy: The Dark 'Naut Returns'?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: Twenty dollars, please. Just press the button for the SENTIMENT you'd like.

FRY: Hmmm... (looks over the list: 1) 'All the best!' 2) 'You da MAN!' 3) 'To my best friend,______' 4) 'Sinfully Yours') Uhh, Number three! And the name's Fry!

BENDER: Ohh, I SEE! All it takes is an artsy-fartsy head-in-a-jar to end my reign as your best friend, is that it?

PATRON: Can you finish some time in the next eon? The open casting for the movie 'Space Boy In Outer Space' movie ends in two hours!

FRY: 'Space Boy The Movie'!? What roles are they casting for?

PATRON: Only the role I was conceived and nurtured to play- that of SPACE BOY himself!

FRY: No WAY! I'm the biggest Space Boy fan EVER! I've been reading the Space Boy comics for over a MILLENNIUM now! C'mon, Bender, we have to get over there! This is my LIFELONG DREAM. It's either that or we go back to WORK.

BENDER: Well, since blowing off work is MY lifelong dream, let's roll!


Inside a Casting Office. Actors are all sitting in the waiting room, reading their lines. Bender is sitting amongst actor's heads in jars.

BENDER: Hey, Roberto Benigni's head! I gotta tell ya, your 'Pinocchio' is one of the greatest films of all time! Funny, funny stuff!

ROBERTO BENIGNI'S HEAD: Wow, you're-a the first-a person I have met who has-a seen it! Do you-a really think-a it was good?

BENDER: Nah, I'm just yankin' ya! I love kicking a head when it's DOWN! BWAHAHA!!!

(The door to the casting office opens as Slurms leaves)

SLURMS: Thanks for reading with me Calculon.

CALCULON: No problemo, Slurms. I hope you get the part!

BENDER: Calculon's HERE? He's going to be in the movie too?

SLURMS: OHHHHYEAAAAAH! He's the main villain! I'm hoping to be cast as one of the 27 other villains.

BENDER: (grabbing Fry around the neck, choking him) Can't go into your audition without your trusty MANAGER, can you Fry?

FRY: Bender, you're not my- GLAGGH!

BENDER: (tightening his grip, he drags Fry into the casting office) It's time to break a neck, Fry!

CASTING ASSISTANT: The phrase is 'Break a leg'.

BENDER: That's NEXT if Fry doesn't get the role!

CASTING ASSISTANT: Gentlemen, let me introduce our director, MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY, and the producer, JERRY DRECKHELMER

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: (A short pudgy three eyed purple alien) Please, call me Marty. Unless you don't get the role, in which case you can never come within 50 yards of me at any time.

FRY: Wow, Marty Shursleazy! I love your movies. 'New New York, New New York', 'Raging Mechanical Bull', 'The Last Temptation Of Zombie Jesus'... all of 'em!

CASTING ASSISTANT: And of course, you know Calculon from 'All My Circuits'.

CALCULON: (eyes Bender) YOU! You look extremely familiar... didn't I file a RESTRAINING ORDER against you?

BENDER: Ugh... NO WAY! You must have me confused with some OTHER robot who broke into your house and exchanged oil with you while you slept so we'd always be a PART of each other! Did I say 'We'd'? I meant 'You'd'.

CALCULON: (shakes Fry's hand) Well, anyway, good luck Phillip.

FRY: Ready when you are!


CALCULON: So, Space Boy, now the fight is between us- You, the crusading space crime fighter whose parents I MURDERED before your very eyes... and me, a former lawyer whose law-abiding personality SPLIT after a cup of coffee was spilled onto my hard drive!

FRY: This isn't just a fight between you and me, TWO GIG INTERFACE! This is about the moon and the sun, night and day, dark and light...and I'm the light that's gonna BLIND you and send you back into the darkness where evil dwells. And this light WILL NEVER stop shining, so open your eyes and be blinded by my WRATH!

CALCULON: (flipping though his script) Wait, am I missing pages? I don't see his dialogue ANYWHERE in the script!

JERRY DRECKHELMER: You're a natural! Oliver without the annoying ACCENT, Brando without the MUUMUU, Acting Bot 4.5 without the TOURETTE'S SYNDROME VIRUS!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: That was AMAZING, kid! Where did you pull that monologue from?

FRY: 'The Amazing Space Boy', Annual #5, December, 1988.

CALCULON: Maybe reciting from comic books will get you roles in the Palos Verdes Players Community Theater production of 'Dude, Where's My Hovercar?', but this is a MAJOR film production. Please, Marty- let the boy down gently and tell him what we all know.

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Okay- we've found our new 'Space Boy'! You're HIRED, kid!

FRY: WOO-HOO! YES! I GOT it! I'M Space Boy!

BENDER: (whispers to Fry) Ahem... Fry, isn't there something you'd like to tell the nice filmmakers about your good friend, Bender?

FRY: Oh, right... due to the threat of physical violence imposed on my life if he DOESN'T get his way, it's kinda important my buddy Bender work on the film too. Is there anything HE can do?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: (thinking) I don't know. All the sets are pretty much BENT into shape...

CALCULON: I still need a BUFFER for my nude scenes, Marty. (Puts an arm around Bender) I have four nude scenes in this film, Bender, and I need to be FULLY-BUFFED for every one. The job is yours if you want it.

BENDER: (looks worried) Uhhh... only a fool would say NO.


The Professor walks into the lounge with Fry and Bender. The rest of the Planet Express group is sitting at the table, playing cards.

PROFESSOR: Good AND bad news, everyone! Fry has landed the title role in “Space Bot In Outer Space: The Movie'!


AMY: But why do you say it's good AND bad news, Professor?

PROFESSOR: The good news is now I have a link to Hollywood! Now I can start pitching my daytime talk show about issues that concern OCTOGENARIAN MAD SCIENTISTS and the WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM.

ZOIDBERG: And every good talk show host has a fat, lovable SIDEKICK, hmmm?

PROFESSOR: Sorry, Zoidberg. You, Hermes, and Amy will have to handle Fry and Bender's duties while they're off working on the film.

HERMES: Why does Bender get to miss work for the movie? Is he gonna be acting too?

BENDER: Oh, no... um... I'm just gonna be there to give Fry emotional supp-

FRY: He's Calculon's BUFFER.

HERMES: Oh. Didn't know you were into... THAT.

BENDER: Into WHAT!? It's a LEGIT job on the set! There's even a UNION for it!

FRY: Well, I should go home and rest. They want me on the set at 7 A.M. Sharp.

PROFESSOR: off you go, Fry! See you in a couple of months!

LEELA: Maybe not, Professor... Fry will probably be a BIG MOVIE STAR when this is over. He won't NEED to come back and work for Planet Express.

FRY: Don't think that way, Leela. All I want from this is to do a good job, enjoy the benefits of being a movie star while I can, and win a Golden Globe so I can use it as a matching bookend with the Golden Globe Bender sold me.

PROFESSOR: Bender won a Golden Globe?

FRY: If by 'won' you mean 'dug up and stole from Claire Dane's grave'.

ZOIDBERG: Ohhhhh, such JUICY ENTERTAINMENT-INSIDER BUZZ! This is just the type of gossip I need to launch my website, 'what'sthepoop? Dotcom'

LEELA: (holds Fry's hand) Just remember us little people when you're a big shot, Fry.

AMY: (leaning in the doorway) Fry, there's some guy in a suit here to see you!

FRY: (walking into the conference room) I'm Fry. What up?

UNIVERSAL MESSENGER: Philip J. Fry, I'm from Universal, and I have your contract for you.


UNIVERSAL MESSENGER: No, as in 'Universal Messenger Service'. Here ya go.

FRY: Wow. A REAL LIVE CONTRACT! And it's not even written on TOILET PAPER like the contracts the Professor had US sign!

AMY: Yeah, but if you were lost in the middle of the woods, whose contract would you RATHER have?


Fry opens the contract, and a hologram of Jerry Dreckhelmer's head appears.

JERRY DRECKHELMER: Fry, baby! I see you've finally got the contract. We just need you to sign the highlighted areas and bring it to the set tomorrow. Then you're ready to be the NEXT BIG THING!

FRY: What's the contract say?

JERRY DRECKHELMER: Oh, it's mostly just GIBBERISH, but the broad strokes include how much money you'll make, how many magazine covers you'll appear on, when you'll date WINONA RYDER'S HEAD... stuff like that. But don't worry your CHARACTER-ACTOR-PRETTY little head about the rest- just sign it and AWAY WE GO!

LEELA: (stops Fry from signing) Fry, WAIT! This contract is written in some sort of ALIEN LANGUAGE I've never SEEN before. You should have this translated and then read it before signing.


LEELA: No, I'm his friend, and I don't want to see him commit to something he's not completely sure about.

JERRY DRECKHELMER: What's there to be sure about? Missing out on FAME? FORTUNE? Appearing on 'Hollywood Square Roots'? The fact is, if you don't sign the contract now, we have to find someone else for the role, Fry. What's it gonna be?

FRY: Leela, every time you've tried to look out for me in uncertain situations,you've ALWAYS been RIGHT. And so for that reason, I'm going to do the RIGHT THING now... can LEELA be in the movie, Mr. Dreckhelmer?

JERRY DRECKHELMER: SURE! We can always use more freaky-looking alien babes as EXTRAS!

AMY: Can I be in it, too?


LEELA: (walks off) You'll be SORRY about this, Fry, and I'm not going to be in your stupid movie!

JERRY DRECKHELMER: If she thinks this is going to get her a BIGGER TRAILER, she's SO wrong.


FRY: Isn't this fantastic, Bender? We're on a REAL LIVE MOVIE SET! Where they make REAL LIVE MOVIES!

BENDER: Kill that 'Joy To The World' CRAP! I gotta go wait in Calculon's trailer so I can buff his ASS after this scene! HE wants it to be so shiny he could eat off of it- and he DOESN'T EAT!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: There's our Space Boy!

FRY: Hey Marty, Jerry, Calculon.

CALCULON: I'm sorry, Philip, but it's in my contract that I don't have to acknowledge your existence when we aren't shooting. And try to keep the eye contact to a smidge, eh?

JERRY DRECKHELMER: So Fry, are you ready for your first big scene?

FRY: You BET! What are we doing first?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: The BIG FIGHT SCENE between you and Calculon that opens the picture.


FRY: Yes, but I think there's been a MISTAKE. I only got a FEW PAGES instead of the ENTIRE SCRIPT.

JERRY DRECKHELMER: Uhhh, no, Fry. What you got was correct. We're only going to give you the pages you NEED each day so your performance will be FRESH! More REAL!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: I'm all about the real, Fry. Okay, People, let's settle down! It's MAGIC TIME! Fry and Calculon, take your marks!

CLAPPERBOARD OPERATOR: 'Space Boy', scene one, take one!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: All right, let's bring in Calculon's STUNT DOUBLE!

FRY: Hey, where's Calculon going? Aren't we going to do the scene?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Calculon has a stunt double do ALL his ACTION SHOTS. Don't worry, Fry, it'll be just like the REAL THING.

FRY: If you say so...


The stunt double filling in for Calculon suddenly tears off it's suit, and grows to over quadruple it's original size. It's blatantly obvious it is a killbot.

FRY: Whuh?


FRY: You don't (gulp) stand a (gulp) chance against me, Two Gig (gulp) Interface. OOMF! Assorted sounds of pain and breaking bones are heard)

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: oooh, I love when BLOOD gets on the camera!


JERRY DRECKHELMER: There's just no substitute for the sound of REAL HUMAN BONES BREAKING!

FRY: ARRRGH!! That's not supposed to POP OUT of place!

SAL: Ooch! There goes youses 'R' rating!

SCENE: We see Bender and Fry talking...

BENDER: Oh, you POOR SWEET THING! Don't they understand you weren't built to take this kind of ABUSE? (the scene pans back, to reveal Bender talking to a fembot massaging him.)

FRY: I'M the one who just got PULVERIZED, remember?

BENDER: Fry, the masseuse can't concentrate with all the yip yap. I'm afraid you're going to have to leave.

FRY: (sits down to wait) NO WAY! I just spent my morning being TENDERIZED by a Shogun Warbot, and I'M gonna get a massage too!

BENDER: Fine, but at least make yourself useful. Hum an ENYA song or make noises like a BABBLING BROOK.

JERRY DRECKHELMER: (comes into the room) How are ya holding up, champ? Just thought I'd bring you your pages for this afternoon's scene.

FRY: Is it gonna be any worse than this morning?

JERRY DRECKHELMER: The first scene's always the TOUGHEST, kiddo. But you're doing great, and everyone's amazed with your performance, so keep up the GOOD WORK! Now as far as your new scene goes, just remember this: your hair WILL grow back and the BURN MARKS won't scar... MUCH. See you on the set!

FRY: (looks at script) Aw, man! Nobody told me being a movie star was gonna be BAD for my health.

BENDER: Your babble doesn't sound like a brook, Fry...

CALCULON: (walks in- he is covered in filth) Bender, there you are! I'm afraid I've engaged in a rather filthy MUD-WRESTLING MATCH with two starlets in my trailer during lunch. You'll have to buff me before I go back on the set. You're really going to have to put some elbow grease into it this time, so... CHOP-CHOP!

BENDER: (sighs) Okey-doke. (opens up his chest cabinet and takes out a can of 'Arne and Andy's Elbow Grease- makers of fine synthetic human extract for 200 years') Wish me luck. Calculon's got some FUNKY NETHER to his REGIONS!


Two people meet in the dark shadows... it is obvious they are Leela and Raoul. Somewhere, a trash can is knocked over, and a cat runs off screaming.

RAOUL: Let's make this quick.

LEELA: All right. I need the alien language used in this contract DECODED as soon as possible.

RAOUL: What about the money? (Leela opens a briefcase full of Monopoly money) Ooooh...

LEELA: The deal is half now, the rest plus two 'Get out of jail free' cards when I get the translation. Deal?

RAOUL: DEAL! I'll soon be able to play a real game of Monopoly with my friends! After all these years of scouring dumpsters for the game's pieces, my dream will become REALITY!

LEELA: How long will it take to do the job?

RAOUL: (looks at the contract) A few weeks, give or take. I've never seen a language like this before.

LEELA: Whatever you do, hurry. My friend's LIFE could depend on it.


On the movie set...

BRAIN SLUG: (on top of Fry's head) BLAAAGGLL...

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: And... CUT! Beautiful. Great job, Fry. You're really capturing the ESSENCE of what it feels like to have your brain slowly sucked through your skull.

SET ASSISTANT: Someone find the Brain Slug Wrangler to get the slug off Fry's head!

BRAIN SLUG WRANGLER: C'mon, Bessie, you don't wanna fill up on brain yet- you got THREE MORE SCENES with this varmint!

LEELA: (barges onto the set) FRY! I have to talk to you!

SET ASSISTANT: Hey! You can't just come in here!

FRY: Uh, it's all right. She's my friend. Leela, what's wrong?

LEELA: Take me to your trailer, RIGHT NOW!


MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Fry's right. Everyone break for STARLET GROUPIE SEX and meet back here in half an hour!

SCENE: Fry's trailer. Leela is showing Fry his translated contract.

FRY: What's going on? Why are you so worried about me?

LEELA: I had the fine print in your contract deciphered. Fry... you're going to DIE at the end of the film!

FRY: WHAT!? They can't kill the MAIN CHARACTER in the movie!

LEELA: Not SPACE BOY! They're going to kill YOU! And you said you could when you signed the contract!

FRY: That must be why they won't show me the entire script!

LEELA: What are you going to do?


LEELA: Fry, there's MORE bad news. The contract says if you quit the movie before shooting ends, you'll be deported to the planet Mariah where they'll lock you in a room, strap you to a chair, and force you to watch 'GLITTER' on a continuous loop until you GO MAD or DIE!

FRY: NOOOOOOO!!! What am I gonna do? I'm not ready to die, not to mention the fact that I already PRE-ORDERED my tickets to see the movie!

LEELA: There's only one thing you CAN do, Fry... get FIRED off this movie. In order to do that, you'll have to act like the BIGGEST JERK IN THE WORLD! Like a REAL movie star!


MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Where the hell is Fry? He was supposed to be on the set six hours ago!

FRY: Here I am, you HACK!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Fry, where have you been? We're behind schedule now!

FRY: (obviously drunk, holding a bottle) What do I care? I'M the star, and I can say and do whatever I WANT , and you have to LIKE it!


FRY: Drunk as a SORORITY GIRL flashing her BAZONGAS during MARDI GRAS! Guess that means I'm no good to you today, or the rest of the film because I'm an IRRESPONSIBLE ALCOHOLIC!


FRY: (getting desperate) I've also got a list of DEMANDS that are sure to make you REPLACE me!


FRY: My own private gym!


FRY: Top billing above Calculon?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Thought you'd never ask!

FRY: Movie roles for all my friends?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Trailers and assistants for them TOO!

FRY: Wait... you're NOT going to FIRE me!?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: (gushing) Of course not! You're a REAL movie star now! We knew you'd get the hang of it sooner or later! Okay, people, let's break so the writers can work Fry's DRINKING PROBLEM into the script!

JERRY DRECKHELMER: No reason why Space Boy can't have his PERSONAL DEMONS!

BENDER: (to Fry) Welcome to BONED-VILLE, Fry. Population: Two.


In the Planet Express Lounge...

FRY: Your plan didn't work at all, Leela! They love me now MORE THAN EVER!

LEELA: I'm sorry, Fry. I thought the old adage of 'W.W.C.S.D.' would get you fired for sure.



FRY: That's it, guys. These are my final script pages, and Leela was right... I DIE at the end of the movie, which means... I die when we shoot it tomorrow.

PROFESSOR: Isn't there SOMETHING we can do to get you out of this?

FRY: I signed the contract. I HAVE to do it.

LEELA: Don't go, Fry! We'll hide you away until they recast the role or they forget about you!

FRY: What if they don't? I can't live my life inside Planet Express forever. It's NO USE, Leela. I should've just LISTENED to you. I'm sorry I didn't. I gotta go. Bye everybody. See you on that BIG MOVIE LOT IN THE SKY.


BENDER: I heard the news, meatbag. You know, I always thought I'D be the one who ended up MURDERING you.

FRY: Me too, pal, ME TOO.

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: ready for the FINAL SHOWDOWN with Calculon's henchmen, Fry?

FRY: Do I have a choice?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Always the consummate professional! So here's what'll happen. Inside the transport tube will be the love of your life, and sometime nemesis, MOON WOMAN! When you go to rescue her from the clutches of Two Gig-Interface, the TORTURE-TRONS will swoop in to ANNIHILATE you! Sound good?

FRY: Wa. Hoo.

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: ATTABOY! And remember my TRADEMARK is 'BEING REAL', so try to die as REAL as possible, Okay? ALWAYS with the real, Fry.

FRY: (to himself)You've really done it now, Fry. How do you expect to get out of this? Some SPACE BOY you are.

SPACE BOY: (appears on his shoulder as his conscience) You don't even DESERVE the title 'Space Boy' you moron!

FRY: SPACE BOY!? How would YOU get out of this mess?

SPACE BOY: I never would have gotten INTO it in the first place! I WOULD HAVE READ THE FRAGGIN' CONTRACT!!!

PROFESSOR: (Appears standing next to Space Boy) Enough with the YELLING. Can't you see the boy has ENOUGH trouble as it is?

FRY: Professor!? What are YOU doing here?

PROFESSOR: You tell, me, it's YOUR daydream!

ZOIDBERG: (appears on Fry's other shoulder, wearing a poncho, sombrero, and shaking maracas) And Zoidberg makes THREE! Hooray for HALLUCINATIONS!


CALCULON: (points at Fry) There's our enemy, Torture-trons! Show Space Boy what happens to those who enter my ship... UNINVITED!


BENDER: (covering eyes) I can't bear to watch! I'll just have to wait for the dailies.


Suddenly, Moon Woman comes swinging into the scene, shooting a gun at the Torture-trons, and killing them.

FRY: Whuh? MOON WOMAN! I thought I was supposed to save YOU!

Moon Woman lifts the visor hiding her face, to reveal Leela.

LEELA: Yeah right, Fry...

FRY: LEELA! You came to SAVE ME!?

LEELA: I figured if I snuck onto the set and disrupted the shoot, they'd have to stop filming. Right?

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: WRONG! You handle that laser better than ANY actress I could've cast! We're gonna keep rolling and have the Torture-trons KILL YOU BOTH! (The Torture-trons close in)

FRY: I've heard of dying to get into to the movies, but this is REDICULOUS!

LEELA: (Still firing on the ever advancing robots) I can't hold them off, Fry! We're not gonna make it!


MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: Jerry, what's wrong? We were about to finish the CLIMATIC DEATH SCENE!

JERRY DRECKHELMER: The PROBLEM is that this was supposed to be a SUPER-SECRET ENDING, and now the entire script is ALL OVER the Internet!


JERRY DRECKHELMER: I don't know, but everything is posted on the 'What's the poop?' site, run by some DOCTOR ZOOBURGER or something!

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: We can't shoot an ending everybody already knows!

JERRY DRECKHELMER: That's it! The movie's FINISHED! Somebody gather my ASSISTANTS so I can feel better about myself by BERATING them.

MARTIAN SHURSLEAZY: This means I'm free to start PRE-PRODUCTION on my next film, a live-cation version of 'THE SIMPSONS'.


CALCULON: Well, I guess we've reached the end of your OBLIGATION to me, buff boy. If you ever need work, in the movie business again, don't hesitate to call my agent's assistant's runner's gardener's wife's third cousin's voice mail. After 10P.M. On every third Wednesday. In February. (walks off)

BENDER: (quietly) I love you.

FRY: Thanks for coming to help me, Leela. Who knew signing a contract without READING it could turn so bad?

LEELA: I did, you MORON! Now, have you learned your lesson?

FRY: DAMN SKIPPY! Next time, I'll make sure there's a GUARANTEE I get to do the SEQUEL!


LEELA: Bender, what are you doing?

BENDER: I'm stealing this stuff off the set! You know how much we can get for this junk? People will pay big money for anything famous people have TOUCHED or PUT THEIR BODY PARTS ON!

FRY: Why not?

LEELA: I'm game. E-Buy, here we come!

ZOIDBERG: (In caption bubble) And if you read it here, it must be TRUE!