Comic Transcripts

Transcribed by dinkdrinker

A tale of freaky FUN brought to you by...

Zoidberg, Fry, the Professor, Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Bender are waiting in a long line outside a circus tent to make a delivery (DKNNY Fine Cotton Candy Suits)

FRY: Wow! My very first circus! I'm so excited I could WET my pants!

PROFESSOR: Welcome to MY world.

LEELA: Well, once we've made the delivery of this crate of cotton candy suits, we can spend the rest of the day here.

FRY: I'm gonna buy one, put it on, and eat my way to PUBLIC NUDITY.

LEELA: (handing a tablet to a circus worker receiving the delivery- it is Sal) Here is your order of cotton candy suits, sir. Just sign on the dotted line.

SAL: It's about times. These things are selling betters than the ELEPHANT EARS.

AMY: SCHLICK! That's disgusting!

SAL: (pointing out the ears hanging on hooks) Hey, what elses are we gonna do with all those ELEPHANTS after they dies from neglect?

LITTLE BOY: (pointing to the ears) I want mine with strawberry topping and powdered sugar, daddy!


LEELA: The show in the big top tent doesn't start for another half hour. What do we want to do 'til then?

FRY: Oh, let's check out the freak tent!

CIRCUS BARKER: Step right up, Ladies and Gents, and get an eyeful of the universe's most frightening FAUX PAS! Come see the oddity of the FLAME_EATING EARTHLING!

BENDER: Oooh, a Flame-EATER! THAT'S ORIGINAL! BRRAAAAP! (belches fire)

CIRCUS BARKER: (wiping sweat) Uh, well then, behold the wonder of the TRISOLIAN TRICLOPS!

LEELA: PFFT. All THREE eyes gets you is a bigger bill when you fill your contact lens prescription.

CIRCUS BARKER: (now getting irate) You're a tough crowd, but I dare any of you to try and deny the sheer ABSURDITY of...(pulls aside a curtain) FIVE FINGER MAN!!!!

FIVE FINGER MAN: (holding up his hands for all to see) Hey, how's it going?

FRY: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! A REAL freak!

LEELA: Poor thing. Why would God curse him with an extra digit like that?

FIVE FINGER MAN: If you think THAT'S gross, you should see my FEET.


The Planet Express crew is inside the freak tent looking at the likes of The Siamese Septuplets, Dog Boy, Blob Face, Loan Shark, Rumple Inkskin, Harold Zoid, Pancake Man, Crater Face, Head Hand, Pretzel Man, and Bearded Woman.

FRY: Ahh, THIS brings back memories.

LEELA: I thought you said this was your first circus, Fry.

FRY: It is. But a lot of my classes at Coney Island Community College took place in TENTS.

HAROLD ZOID: Nephew Zoidberg and his work friends! HELLO!

ZOIDBERG: UNCLE ZOID!? What are YOU doing here?

HAROLD ZOID: I answered an ad in the paper wanting 'unique performers', so I came, I auditioned, and I landed this DREAM gig!

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! Uncle Zoid is a STAR again!

FRY: (Pulling up his shirt and scratching his belly) C'mon, guys. Let's get to the GOOD freaks. I wanna see HARRY THE HALF-TORSO- he only has the LOWER-HALF of his body, and I heard his brain is in his ASS!

BENDER: (looking at Fry's stomach) Fry, what the hell is THAT on your stomach!?

AMY: It's a... a...



ZOIDBERG: Make him put it AWAY!

FRY: It's just a belly button. We've all got 'em, right?

LEELA: WRONG! 'Outies' haven't existed on the human body since Vogue Magazine declared them 'THE O.J. SIMPSON OF BADY PARTS'. Doctors have been fixing the problem ever since.

BENDER: (with a serrated object coming out of one of his fingers) Speaking of which, I can remove yours right now. Besides, you gotta have a place to store your LINT like normal people!

FRY: (covering his gut) NO WAY! I LOVE my belly button and I'm not going to get rid of it just because some stupid magazine said it's UGLY!

BENDER: The LINT, Fry! Think of the LINT!

FRY: (talking to his belly button) They're not going to tell US what's pretty, are they, MANFERD?

BEARDED LADY: (in the shadows) That was IMPRESSIVE... (steps slightly out of the shadows, revealing all but her face. She is wearing a slinky pink dress, and has long blonde hair) Most people cave to what society deems as beautiful. It's nice to see someone stand up for what makes them unique.

FRY: Hey, you're the Bearded Lady! Well, if anyone knows what it's like to be different, it'd be YOU, huh?

BEARDED LADY: Sure. Whatever you say. (goes back into the shadows, ashamed) Look, don't waste your time with me. There are plenty more interesting freaks to look at.

FRY: Oh, Okay. (starts to walk away, then turns around) Hey, for what it's worth, beard or no beard, you're not a freak to ME. (walks back to the crew) Hey, Bender, I need your help.

BENDER: You ready to OUT your OUTIE?

FRY: No, not that. There's something you might have inside your chest cabinet that I need to BORROW...

BENDER: If it belonged to one of you suckers at some point, chances are it's IN there!

FRY: (reaching in) I found it!

LEELA: C'mon guys! We have to go! The Big top show's about to START! (everybody runs out of the freak tent)

FRY: I'll just have to give this to her after the show.

ALEJANDRO: (hidden in the shadows) HE'S the one I was telling you about.

RINGMASTER: (hidden in the shadows) Excellent work, Alejandro. I'll handle the situation PERSONALLY.


Everyone from Planet Express is waiting in line to enter the Big top.

LEELA: Everyone got their ticket?



BENDER: GASP! I CAN'T go in there!

FRY: Why NOT, Bender?

BENDER: (pointing to a circus advertisement) Because of HIM!

HERMES: 'The Unhuman Cannonball'? What did he ever do to YOU, mon?

BENDER: He kept me from becoming a STAR! It all started after I graduated from Bending School... (flashback- a robot army base's chow line) I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet, so I joined the Robot Army, which is when I met Dewey- now known as 'The Unhuman Cannonball'- at 'BOT CAMP. We worked in the kitchen together as cooks, but I was better than him, which led to the biggest opportunity of my military career...

ROBOT GENERAL: Private Bender, since you're the HEAD SLOPCIER of this mess hall, I want YOU to prepare a meal for all the Robot Generals tomorrow night. If all goes well, soldier, you'll have your CHOICE OF ASSIGNMENTS!

BENDER: (salutes) Yes, SIR! Thank you, SIR!

BENDER: But I was DOOMED TO FAIL. While I slept that night, Dewey REWROTE my hard drive's recipe file, ensuring I would SCREW UP the Generals' dinner!

DEWEY: (w/ a laptop plugged into one of Bender's serial ports) HEH HEH HEH...

BENDER: It was the WORST day of my life!


ROBOT GENERAL #2: It's so bad I'm craving AIRPLANE oil!

ROBOT GENERAL #3: Private Bender, this is the WORST MEAL EVER!

BENDER: But...

DEWEY: (pushes in a cart) Perhaps THIS is the meal you were expecting, General!

BENDER: But...

ROBOT GENERAL #1: Ooh, what a TANGY viscosity!

ROBOT GENERAL #2: This may be the GREATEST dinner ever!

ROBOT GENERAL #3: Private Dewey, I hereby promote YOU to the rank of Head Slopcier! You can have ANY assignment you want! Just name it!

BENDER: But...

BENDER: I couldn't believe it- my own cot-mate BETRAYED me! (end flashback) After that, I never recovered my confidence, doomed to wander my remaining days in search of my destiny.

LEELA: And how does this have ANYTHING to do with the circus?

BENDER: Dewey's plush assignment was to become a KAMIKAZE MISSLE ROBOT. They wire you with explosives and shoot you out of a cannon into military war zones. THAT'S how he trained to be the daredevil stuntbot he is today. But I guess he never got called into action before his tour of duty ended, which is why he isn't DEAD!

FRY: I still don't get how he kept you from being a star.

BENDER: (grabs Fry's shirt) DAMNIT, man! If I'd been given the big promotion, I could have had that mission, and I could be entertaining the world as the star of a space circus!

LEELA: Bender, we don't have time for this. The show's about to start, so either you're coming or you're not!

BENDER: I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience watch Dewey bask in the glory that is rightfully MINE!

HERMES: 'GOOD' conscience? You? HA! That's a good one, Mon! Maybe you could still be a big star as a JOKE-BOT!

BENDER: Whatever! I'm done with this CIRQUE DU SO-WHAT!

LEELA: I guess we'll see you after the show, Bender.


Bender is seen walking around behind the tents, talking to himself. He passes a trailer with a star on it, and the initials 'U.C.'...

BENDER: No, Bender, you're NOT ALLOWED to be a famous circus performer... you're NOT ALLOWED to take the Pope's head to a strip club... when's Bender gonna get a BREAK? (looks up and sees the trailer) 'U.C.'!? Hmmm... that must be DEWEY'S trailer! (knocks on the door of the trailer)

DEWEY/U.C.: What? Is it time for me to go on already? (opens the door to see Bender) YOU'RE not my assistant. What is this about?

BENDER: (smacking a fist into his hand) What it's about DEWEY, is that I've got a recipe you might like to STEAL! It's called 'SAUTEED SMACKDOWN', and YOU are the main ingredient! (the scene changes to outside the trailer, where we see it shaking and rocking back and forth- loud painful noises are coming out from it)

DEWEY/U.C.: What do you- OW! That HURT! Ugh! That was below the FAN BELT! Oof! Now what are you doing with my MASK?

BENDER: Shut up and take it like a machine, DREAM MURDERER!

ASSISTANT: (knocks on trailer door) U.C., they're READY for you! (Bender opens the door, dressed as Dewey)

BENDER: DAMN RIGHT they are! Let's roll!


Inside the Big top...

LEELA: 13 clowns in a HOVER car? That must be some kind of circus record!

AMY: Eh, I've had more.

RINGMASTER: If you think THAT'S unbelievable, you should smell the inside of that car! And coming up next, the STAR of our circus- The Unhuman Cannonball! But first, we will need TWO VOLUNTEERS from the audience!

ZOIDBERG: (jumping up and down) OOH! OOH! Pick ME! I can breathe underwater AND I have a medical degree! Can any of these BRATS say that?

RINGMASTER: (points at Fry) YOU! In the RED JACKET!

FRY: who ME?

RINGMASTER: Yes! And bring your horribly freakish lobster friend too! (the crowd cheers and claps politely)

ZOIDBERG: (walking into the center ring with Fry) There's only one thing Zoidberg craves as much as food- ATTENTION!

CROWD: Yeeah! / Woo Hoo! / All right! / That lobster's hideous!

RINGMASTER: Now my friends, gaze upon the wonder of the greatest SIMULATED MAMMAL of robot kind- JUMBOT! He will amaze you with feats of strength and balance! Our volunteers' job is to keep him happy by rewarding him for each stunt he performs! And what is Jumbo's FAVORITE REWARD? Metal bolts dipped in synthetic peanut oil!


FRY: (gets blasted by Jumbot's trunk) Pyew! (picks up a oily bolt) Sounds easy enough.

ZOIDBERG: (drooling, looking at the 'treats') Maybe Zoidberg will perform a few of his OWN tricks for such TASTY treats!


ALEJANDRO: (hits a button on a remote control) Heh, heh!

JUMBOT: ( a red light beeps and flashes on him) CRUSH... KILL... DESTROY...

RINGMASTER: OH, NO! Something's WRONG! You've SPOOKED JUMBOT! Run before he STOMPS you to death!



Jumbot's foot comes down with a huge- THOOOOM!


Outside next to the Planet Express ship...

CIRCUS WORKER: We're sorry about the tragic DEATH of your two friends. We took the liberty of cremating them. Here are their ASHES in one of our plastic souvenir cups- no CHARGE.

LEELA: (crying) SNIFF! I can't believe Fry and Zoidberg are DEAD! This is so AWFUL!

PROFESSOR: They both had so much to GIVE! Ripe organs, sturdy bones, their full-functioning eyes, ears, and bladders... it's just NOT FAIR!

HERMES: (coming down the steps on the front landing gear) The hit's just keep on COMIN'! I found this letter from Bender on the ship that says he done gone and run away to join the circus! THIS one!

AMY: (crying) But without Bender, who's going to steal our hearts... and our valuables?

PROFESSOR: Come, everyone. There's nothing left for us to do here. Let's go home and let the GREIVING PROCESS begin.

LEELA: (Still crying looking mournfully at the cup of ashes in her hands) Sniff- Okay, Professor.

PROFESSOR: And just so we're all on the same page- (snatches the cup of ashes out of Leela's hands) MY intergalactic delivery company, MY souvenir cup! Go buy your own if you want one so BADLY! And someone get me a baggie for these ashes, So I can get a refill of SLURM for the voyage home!

AMY: Spluk!

LEELA: (still crying) Rest in peace, Dr. Zoidberg. I hope your heaven is an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SMORGASBORD. And goodbye, Fry- I'll NEVER forget you.


In complete darkness...

FRY: Zoidberg, are we DEAD?

ZOIDBERG: (knocks a couple of times- a clanging is heard) Hmm, judging from our METAL-BASED surroundings, Fry, one could guess we've been buried together in the SAME coffin. HOORAY! Zoidberg spends ETERNITY with a good friend! (a hatch in the back of Jumbot opens jut below his tail, and Fry and Zoidberg fall out into the middle of a cage)

FRY: Heeeey! OOF!


FRY: (looking around, confused) What's going on? Where are we? Why aren't we DEAD!?

ALEJANDRO: Your lives were spared by a trap door in Jumbot's foot, made special for occasions when we need to kidnap FREAKS from the circus audience to join our little family... welcome to your NEW home!

FRY: What? NO! This is a MISTAKE! We're not freaks!

RINGMASTER: Sorry boy, but we know about your OUTIE! You're a CERTIFIED, GRADE-A WEIRDO! Now off with your shirt!

FRY: No way! I may be held captive, but I've STILL got my pride! That whip doesn't scare me! (the whip cracks, ripping off Fry's jacket and shirt) Heh heh heh... DRAFTY in here, huh?

RINGMASTER: Since we have two of those lobster monster types, there's just one thing left to DO...


At Planet Express. The doorbell rings.

LEELA: COMING! (opens the door) Harold Zoid! What are YOU doing here?

HAROLD ZOID: I heard you needed a staff physician, so I thought I'd fill my nephew's VACANT SHELL, why not.

LEELA: Wait a minute- how did you know that Zoidberg was DEAD?

HAROLD ZOID: 'Dead'? Now THAT'S comedy! He's not dead- he's STUCK in that circus freak show with his good human friend.

LEELA: GASP! Fry and Zoidberg are STILL ALIVE!?


HAROLD ZOID: ... so then they let me leave the circus, and now I am here to help heal your aching bones, and maybe TICKLE a few along the way!

PROFESSOR: Well, since you and Zoidberg are family, that's all the credentials I need to know you can do the job as well as HE did... You're HIRED!

LEELA: (pounds fist on the table) NO! We have to go back to the circus to rescue Fry and Zoidberg!

PROFESSOR: (Hermes is holding two large bags of money) I'm sorry Leela, but we need the ship to deliver this 'package' of large, unmarked bills to the E.P.A. this afternoon, or one of their goons will show up for an inspection and SHUT DOWN Planet Express!

LEELA: Well YOU may not give a fig about saving them, but I do!


At Interprize Rent-a-ship...

LEELA: Hi, I'd like to rent one of your ships, please.

SALES REP: Beek-tor has geeven you free upgrade from compact ship to luxury sedan because you are not once, not twice, but THREE times a lady. Now Beek-tor must ask... are you a member of 10,000 MILE HIGH club, and if no, would you like to join?

LEELA: Uhhh, JUST THE SHIP, thanks.


The circus freaks are being let out of their cage...

GUARD: Alright you freaks- DINNER TIME!

FRY: They're letting us out?

RUMPLE INKSKIN: Oh, yes. They wait until the circus grounds are cleared of visitors, then we are FREE to go and do whatever we want.

FRY: So what do they serve? Gruel? Slop? TOFU?

PRETZEL MAN: Good Lord, NO. We have gourmet selection. It's actually quite lovely.

FRY: (seeing all the food) WOW! The food looks awesome! You freaks have the LIFE!

PRETZEL MAN: Of course, we're not SLAVES. What did you expect?

FRY: But I thought you were held here against your will!

RUMPLE INKSKIN: We are, but it's no different than working in HOLLYWOOD. Except for the ever-present smell of PEANUTS. You see, just like actors, we are put on display to entertain the masses, but at the end of the day, we get the same royal treatment. For instance, just wait 'til you see your NEW HOME!

COOKIE: (the cook looks exactly like H.G.B.) Try the dessert! I 'oozed' it MYSELF!

ZOIDBERG: You don't have to TWIST MY CLAW, Cookie!


Rumple Inkskin brings Fry to see his new house.

FRY: This is where I get to LIVE!?

RUMPLE INKSKIN: It's not the Taj Mahal, but I think you'll be happy. Besides- I know a certain SOMEONE who's been waiting to meet her new neighbor.

FRY: That's the Bearded Lady? I have something I've been wanting to give her!

RUMPLE INKSKIN: (gives Fry a sly look) Then go make the MAGIC happen, Outie Boy!

FRY: (walks up to the Bearded lady. She is wearing a short red T-shirt, and 'Daisy Duke' denim shorts. She's eating a sandwich in her front lawn.) HOWDY NEIGHBOR! I just thought I'd drop by and... Oh. Wow. Your face. It's so...


FRY: ... PRETTY. All things considered, I find myself REALLY ATTRACTED to you.

BEARDED LADY: (enjoying all the attention) You're just saying that.

FRY: NO WAY! You're like a hottie with EXTRA INSULATION! But I didn't come over here to tell you that. I have something for you... (holds up a razor) It's the 'WARP 3' razor- 'The smoothest shave next to no skin at all!'!

BEARDED LADY: (taken aback, slightly) That's very kind, but I can't shave my beard- it's VITAL to my survival. It covers my breathing organs with a 4 inch thick blanket of hair that provides protection. I would DIE without it.

FRY: Well, even if you DO have a beard, you're STILL pretty, and any guy would be LUCKY to go out with you.


FRY: ABSOLUTELY! If I hadn't already eaten dinner, I'd ask if I could join you, so I could get to know you better!

BEARDED LADY: (getting turned on) There's always DESSERT, Outie Boy...

FRY: The name's Fry. And you can count me 'INNIE'.

BEARDED LADY: Fry. What a nice name. You can call me Katie.


A Star Trek style spaceship is seen in the background...

LEELA: Wow, what a CRAPPY spaceship. I should have rented from MEGA-HERTZ. (walks by 'U.C.'s trailer)

BENDER: (from within the trailer- singing) Believe it or not, I'MMM walking on air, I never thought I could feel so FREE-EE-EEEE!...

LEELA: GASP! I know that husky, booze lubricated, singing voice ANYWHERE! (breaks into the trailer)

BENDER: ...Flying away on a wing and a prayer, Who could it BEEEEE? Believe it or not it's just-


BENDER: (pulling off his mask) LEELA!? What in the name of Norman Fell are YOU doing here?

LEELA: I'm here to save Fry and Zoidberg from becoming PERMANENT ADDITIONS to the side-show! What's YOUR excuse!?

BENDER: I'm taking what's mine- namely the title of World's Greatest Circus Performer as the UNHUMAN CANNONBALL!

LEELA: Bender, this may be important to you, but I can't save Fry and Zoidberg without YOUR HELP.

BENDER: Not 'til I do my STUNT! Look, I have a show in an hour- I'll do my thing so everyone will know that I'm the REAL star, and then we'll deal with the whole 'Save my best friend's life' thing, Okay?

LEELA: (walks out) Forget it! Just do what ever makes YOU happy! That's all you're GOOD FOR anyway!

BENDER: Don't you want free tickets to the show? Backstage passes? I'm still taking applications for my ENTOURAGE... Leela?


Leela is seen wandering around behind the scenes. A guard stops her.



GUARD: What are you doing out of the HOLDING CELL?

LEELA: Oh, uh, RIGHT! Please, PLEASE take me to be with my FELLOW FREAKS, Mr. Guard, sir!


Leela is let into the holding cell with the freaks.


FRY: Leela!? What the heck are YOU doing in here?

LEELA: I've come to SAVE you and Zoidberg! Now I've got a plan...(sees Fry holding the Bearded Lady's hand, and is taken aback) Who's this?

FRY: Uhh, well... she's my new GIRLFRIEND. Katie.

BEARDED LADY: (offers to shake Leela's hand) It's nice to meet you, Leela. I've heard a lot about y...

LEELA: (ignores the Bearded Lady) Fry, you can't do this! This is a FREAK SHOW! You CAN'T stay here- you aren't like these people!

FRY: Maybe I AM! You were all making fun of my outie belly button this morning- maybe you were RIGHT! Maybe THIS is where I belong!

ZOIDBERG: And as long as the food is free, Zoidberg CONCURS!

LEELA: But what about your life back on EARTH, Fry? Your job, your friends... you belong THERE!

BEARDED LADY: Fry, maybe your friend's right. What if you NEVER get the chance to see your home again? You can't give that up just to be in a traveling circus freak show.

FRY: (literally sweeps the Bearded Lady off her feet) But I'm not giving it up just for that- it's for YOU, too. If YOU'RE a freak, than so am I.

LEELA: (turns her back to them) FINE! Just GREAT! Now I'm stuck here too, and odds are no one will ever hear from any of us again 'til the circus rolls back into our galaxy!

FRY: I'm sorry, Leela, I AM going to miss everyone at Planet Express, but this feels like the right thing to do. We'll figure out a way to get you out of here, I promise. And when you go back home, can you tell Bender goodbye for me?

LEELA: (glares over her shoulder at him) You can do it YOURSELF- he's still here, masquerading as the Unhuman Cannonball!

ZOIDBERG: HUZZAH! It's like we're one big happy family again, minus the JERKED JAMAICAN, the MARTIAN HARLOT, and PAPPY NAPS-A-LOT!


Bender is being interviewed by Morbo and Linda.

MORBO: ...Welcome back to 'Good Morning New New York'. The teleprompter requires Morbo to wish the viewers at home a wonderful day, but only a TORTUOUS TAKE-OVER by HOSTILE ALIEN FORCES will make it so!

LINDA: Heh heh heh... we're here with 'The Unhuman Cannonball', the sexy main attraction and STAR of the Zglmorg Brother's Circus!

MORBO: Morbo demands to know why a robot would WANT to shoot himself out of a cannon!

BENDER: Well, Morbo, I come from a long ASSEMBLY LINE of great cannonball robot artists... (looks to see the freaks in their cage, along with Leela, Fry, and Zoidberg getting rolled by) AHH! Go to commercial, Morbo! (runs up to the cage) Fry? Zoidberg? Leela?!? What the hell is THIS!?

LEELA: We're part of the freak show, Bender- LIKE I TOLD YOU. But Fry doesn't want to leave because he's in love, so I'M stuck in here, TOO.

GUARD: No TALKING to the star, freak!

BENDER: Don't worry guys! Your good friend, the Unhuman Cannonball will think of SOMETHING. I promise!

ZOIDBERG: I'm friends with a FAMOUS PERSON?!? I've always dreamed of being a HANGER-ON!


In the big top...

RINGMASTER: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you the DEATH DEFYING DATABASE himself... the UNHUMAN CANNONBALLLLL!

BENDER: (Whispers to the assistant) Set the cannon angle to NINETY degrees.

ASSISTANT: B-but U.C., 90 degrees... that's SUICIDE!

BENDER: Which is why I'll be known as the GREATEST CANNONBALL ARTIST EVER! Now DO IT!


RINGMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a HISTORIC day, for you are about to witness the HIGHEST ANGLED cannonball attempt in the HISTORY of the circus! Let the Unhuman Cannonball know how much you want him to succeed with a big round of applause!

CROWD: (claps wildly, and chants over and over-) CAN-NON-BALL!

BENDER: (Tearing off his mask) The meatbags must know... the name's NOT Cannonball! It's... (The cannon goes off with a thunderous BOOM) BENDERRR!



CROWD: He's going to hit the top of the tent!

PASSERBY: (outside the tent) LOOK OUT! The tent's coming off the ground!

BENDER: (flying through the air inside the tent) WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

LEELA: Fry, LOOK! Bender's distracted everyone so we can ESCAPE! C'MON! (all the freaks leave the cage)

FRY: (holding the Bearded Lady's hand) I'm not going anywhere unless YOU come with me!

BEARDED LADY: I'm flattered, but I DON'T want to be with you, Fry.

FRY: But I thought... I thought we had a CONNECTION! I mean, I know my face is as red as a BABOON'S BUTT after we make out, , but other than that, we're PERFECT for each other!

BEARDED LADY: (turns her back to Fry, so he can't see her crying) You're WRONG. I was only USING you for companionship. I DON'T LOVE YOU, Fry! Now go back to Earth where you BELONG.

LEELA: C'mon, Fry. We need to go.

FRY: All right. Good bye, Katie. No matter what, I'll NEVER FORGET YOU.

ZOIDBERG: There, there, Fry. Now that you're single again, you can spend more time with your NEGLECTED MALE-SPECIES FRIENDS, like Zoidberg!

LEELA: (walks over to a still crying Bearded Lady) Thank you. (starts running to the parking lot to the rental ship) I think that's my rental ship, but I don't remember covering it with a PROTECTIVE TARP!

ZOIDBERG: But it wouldn't surprise us if you HAD!

BENDER: (laying on the rental ship, under the tent) OOOHHHH....

LEELA: (pulling the tent off of Bender and the ship) BENDER! You did it- you SAVED US!

BENDER: (obviously dizzy and damaged) Yeah... that's ME. Giving 'til it HURTS.

RINGMASTER: (running up behind) Don't let the freaks GET AWAY! They've taken our NEW Unhuman Cannonball HOSTAGE!

LEELA: (carrying Bender into the ship with Zoidberg's help) HURRY! They're GAINING on us!

ZOIDBERG: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO! (they make it inside the ship and start to take off)

RINGMASTER: You know what to do, Jumbot!

JUMBOT: BRRRAAMMMPH!!! (shoots a grappling hook out of it's trunk) GRAPPLE... ENGAGED... (the grappling hook wraps itself around one of the ships' engines)

LEELA: OH, NO! Something's PULLING us back to the ground!

RINGMASTER: Start the generators- we're EXITING this galaxy as soon as we have the freaks in our GRASP!

BEARDED LADY: (running to the scene with the rest of the freaks) Not if I can help it! HOLD ON, FRY! (the freaks have formed a ladder that reaches up to the hook's cable)

RINGMASTER: What are you doing!? GET AWAY FROM THERE! (the Bearded Lady uses the razor Fry gave her to slice through the cable)

LEELA: We're FREE AGAIN! Buckle up, boys, we're jumping to WARP SPEED!

FRY: (looking out the window) Hey! That's Katie down there! She's the one that SET US FREE!

BEARDED LADY: (holding up the razor) Goodbye, Fry. I don't know if I'll ever see you again, but you'll ALWAYS be in my heart. (the ship takes off into space)


In the rental ship...

LEELA: (walks in a cabin to see Fry looking depressed) Hey, Fry. How are you holding up?

FRY: Eh, could be better.

LEELA: I'm sorry things couldn't work out between you and Katie. She seemed nice.

FRY: She sure was. I know what she did was for my own good, but I'm REALLY going to miss her.

LEELA: (places a hand on Fry's shoulder) I know. At the very least, I'm glad you're coming home with me. You have to admit, we're all a little... UNIQUE here. Dr. Zoidberg is an inhuman eating machine, Bender, your best friend, is an annoying mechanical man, Amy has yet to meet a man and not sleep with him...and you may not have noticed before, but I only have one eye. (puts her arms around him) No matter what, you'll always have a place in MY freak show, Outie Boy.

FRY: (hugs Leela back) Right back AT ya, eyeball.

PRETZEL MAN: (in a caption bubble) Another ODDLY satisfying ending!