Comic Transcripts

Comic #6: Xmas Time is FEAR
Transcribed by Umbreon


Clamps, Joey Mousepad, and the Donbot stand together, looking fairly menacing.

DONBOT: So it’s the clamps you want, eh? Well it’s the clamps you’re gonna get!…unless of course you’d like something else for Xmas, Clamps.

CLAMPS: Nah, I need a new pair. My clamps are like running shoe. You gotta replace ‘em at least once a year.

JOEY: What about me, Boss? Can I have what I want, too? As far as being nice goes, I’ve been as good as being bad gets.

DONBOT: Boys, never fear. I predict this will be out best Xmas EVER! But for now, these visions of tommyguns blasting in our hard drives must be saved to disk, for there is other business to tend to. *down an alley, he points out a shadowy figure* Here’s our associate now!

FIGURE: You’re LATE, Donbot!

DONBOT: All apologies. We had to plug an old friend on the way here.

JOEY: Yeah, his battery had expired, and it needed to be recharged.

FIGURE: Enough! Did you bring the list?

DONBOT: Yeah, yeah. *pulls a roll of paper out of his chest cabinet and hands it over* So let me get this straight. We get immunity from the Robot Santa Claus judging us naughty and trying to murderize us on Xmas Eve. In exchange, we give you the names and markers of all robots who owe us money, right?

FIGURE: Correct. I’ll tell Santa, personally, to take you off of his “naughty” list, and you’ll be safe from harm. Although Clamps’ crimes along could fill Santa’s naughty list for years to come!

CLAMPS: (looks at his hands) I got an addiction! I can’t help myself!

FIGURE: Relax, Clamps. You’re exempt… THIS Xmas. Now leave before I tire of my giving ways.

DONBOT: A pleasure doing business wit’ you!

FIGURE: Oh, the pleasure will be ALL mine… *opens the list, which is headed with “Whack jobs to-do” and contains the names Bender, Paulie Two-gigs, Melanie Griffiths’ head, Mac the Knife, Fender, Jimmy Zip-Drive, Flexo, Frankie Firewall, Sammy Spam Mail, and Gorgak the Trisolian* BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

HERMES: (holds out a stack of papers titled ‘The Story of Xmas’ with ‘for Bender’ handwritten underneath) … and here’s your script, Bender!

BENDER: What’s this soon-to-be garbage about?

PROFESSOR: It’s the play that we’re going to perform for the old folks home on Xmas Eve as part of the community service I have to perform!

FRY: Community service? What for?

PROFESSOR: I was convicted of reckless public indecency and D.W.I.

FRY: “D.W.I”?

LEELA: “Driving while incontinent.”

BENDER: (tosses the script and lights a cigar) Sorry, Professor, but I’ve got my own community service to finish.

HERMES: Bender, if ya don’t help with the play, you have to make the delivery of three tons of refrigerator magnets to the planet of Igloopiter ALL BY YOURSELF!

BENDER: Magnets?! I can’t! You know what they do to my inhibition unit! I may do something I’ll truly regret! Like say nice things to one of you! *snatches up the script* Aw, cripes! Do I at least get my own trailer?

HERMES: (answers a phone) Merry Xmas, Planet Express delivery company… hold please while I get him. *offers the phone out to Bender* For you, mon. And make it quick—we’ve only got two days to get this show ready!

BENDER: Nnyello!

CALLER: Hello, Bender, I’m calling on behalf of Olde Fortran liquor to offer you the chance to win all the Olde Fortran you can drink for the rest of your life! All you have to do is answer a simple question. Are you ready?

BENDER: Shoot!

CALLER: Here it is—do you like beer?

BENDER: Uhhh…Yes! NO!—YES!!!

CALLER: Correct! You win!

BENDER: Yes! I’m the winner! In your face, Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: What with the gloating?

CALLER: Just go to 666 Dante’s Circle in Hell’s Kitchen to claim your prize today! Thank you and goodbye!

BENDER: (scribbling the address on Fry’s cheek) ‘Kay… ‘Kay… ‘Bye!


AMY: What did you win, Bender?

BENDER: Olde Fortran for life! All I had to do was tell them that I liked beer!

LEELA: (examines Fry’s cheek) “Hell’s Kitchen?” I don’t know… it sounds fishy to me,

BENDER: I’d love to hand around and brag, but that beer ain’t gonna drink itself. Come on, Fry! *grabs his collar and drags him out*


PROFESSOR: Well, we should get back to our rehearsal. Leela, how about we block your love scene with Zoidberg?

ZOIDBERG: Purrrrrr…

Leela recoils with a grimace.

A little later…

FRY: (spots a robot with a donation bucket ringing a bell) Ah, just like the holidays I remember from the 20th century. A regular Joe trying to help his fellow man.

ROBOT: Please give what you can! Help make this Xmas special for those in need!

BENDER: (stops Fry from putting in a bill) What are you doing?

FRY: Making a donation.

ROBOT: What good will money do when Santa Claus has you locked in his sights?

FRY: But you’re the Salvation Army! I thought you gave money to the needy!

ROBOT: Are you nuts? We’re the Salvation ARMY! We’re the part of the Armed Forces who give weapons to the defenseless to protect themselves on Xmas Eve.

BENDER: They arm those who can’t arm themselves. Speaking of which… *drops two rifles and a few grenades into the bucket* Make sure these get to a good home.

ROBOT: God bless you, sir!

BENDER: (spots the address) Oh, there it is, Fry! My free beer for life awaits! Not I’ll never have and excuse not to be drinking while I’m driving!

FRY: I’ll go find us an Xmas tree for the play. Like in that one holiday cartoon with the bald kid and the dog?

BENDER: “The Adventures of Li’l Kojak and Beethoven” Xmas special?

FRY/BENDER: Who loves ya, doggie?

BENDER: (knocks) Hello? Bender the winner is here… *walks in the darkened building* It’s open! Am I in the right place?

Torches flare, lighting the small room and revealing the Robot Devil sitting toward the back.

ROBOT DEVIL: All sinners are welcome here, Bender!

BENDER: (gasps) The Robot Devil!? Am I back in Robot Hell?

ROBOT DEVIL: This is my holiday home. I bought it from Kathie Lee Gifford’s head in move-in condition. And it just so happens I have some very important business to tend to in this part of town.

BENDER: Hey, great story. I’d love to stick around and hear more, but I’ve got some living to do…

ROBOT DEVIL: I’m afraid that your sins have to be accounted for, Bender. Namely, owing money to the robot mafia!

BENDER: Usually they just send someone over to break my legs. Which is fine, because I bought extra legs in bulk for such occasions—

ROBOT DEVIL: Quiet! Since I have assumed the burden of your debt, you will deal with ME! I am going to give you a one-time only opportunity to make things square, Bender.

BENDER: (falls to his knees) Oh thank you, Lord of Simulated Darkness!

ROBOT DEVIL: Now here is all that I ask: just tell everyone you know, be it family, friends, or strangers, to be in Times Square tomorrow night.

BENDER: But tomorrow’s Xmas Eve! Santa Claus will be flying in his sleigh looking slaughter the naughty! Which is everyone in his eyes!

ROBOT DEVIL: Not anymore, Bender. You see, Santa’s been reprogrammed to judge everyone nice, and to make up for all these years of terror, he’s going to personally display his new-found love and compassion.

BENDER: So all I have to do is tell people that Santa wants to give them gifts on Xmas Eve, and my debt is PAID?

ROBOT DEVIL: Not only that, I’ll pay you fife dollars cash for each person you deliver, but you must keep what you’re doing a secret. And remember, time is of the essence—you only have ONE DAY to spread the word.

They shake hands.

BENDER: You got a deal!

ROBOT DEVIL: Excellent.


The Planet Express crew, all but Fry dressed in various costumes, stand around a small palm tree.

HERMES: (in a gold speedo and top hat) Sweet bandicoot of Beirut! What is THAT supposed to be, Fry?

FRY: It’s our Xmas tree! Isn’t it great?

PROFESSOR: (dressed as Zombie Jesus, with long hair and a beard) It’s hardly there! And it’s FAKE!

FRY: (picks up a cord to plug in the lights) Relax. It’s just like the real thing except you don’t have to worry about a family of rabid squirrels living inside and jumping out to bite you every time you walk by. All a real tree gets you is a tummy full of tetanus.

LEELA: (dressed in ripped sheets with a long chain wrapped around her) But it just doesn’t feel like Xmas without a real palm tree?

FRY: Now that we have a tree, we can rehearse the play. Who am I?

ZOIDBERG: (wearing a long robe and holding a crook) You and I are the wise Omicronians who witness the birth of Zombie Jesus!

PROFESSOR: Oh good, Bender, you’re back! Now we can do a full dress rehearsal!

BENDER: Sorry señor senility, but I can’t be in your play.

HERMES: But no one else has the cold-heartedness to play the monolith! It has to be you!

BENDER: I can’t. I got a second job.

FRY: Is it so you can buy me a nice present?

BENDER: Why not.

LEELA: Bender, that’s so sweet… and suspicious. What’s this “job” all about?

BENDER: Well, uh.. you know that beer I won? I’ll be working for the beer company as a traveling keg. What with the holiday party season, my job is to go from shindig to shindig and make sure no one’s ever got and empty cup.

HERMES: I can hardly believe it!

BENDER: Hardly’s good enough for me. *pulls out a mug, fills it with beer from a tap in his chest, hands it to Fry, and stands* Anyway, gotta jet. I’m already booked for a bingo night at an orbiting elk’s lodge. Those blue hairs can really toss ‘em back! Oh, almost forgot—did you hear the news? There’s going to be a big Xmas Eve party n Times Square tomorrow night. EVERYONE’S going to be there.

AMY: (dressed like the “lovable” version of Mom) But the robotic Santa Claus will be out delivering pain! It’s suicide!

BENDER: Nah, it’ll be great. I’ve got it from a very good authority on evil that Santa’s been reprogrammed to be good to make up for being a jerk.

LEELA: Bender, if this is another tip from your bookie, you can forget it! *points at her face* The scars I got from that laser lip-hair removal doctor he recommended are just now healing.

HERMES: Could Santa really have changed his evil ways?

LEELA: I’m going to need a higher authority on the subject than BENDER before I leave the concrete-and-steel reinforced safety of my house tomorrow night.

NIXON: (on TV) Santa Claus is not a crook…anymore!

PROFESSOR/FRY/ZOIDBERG/AMY: President Nixon’s head?!?!?

MORBO: Earth president Richard Nixon’s head joins us live to discuss the details of how Santa Claus has been reprogrammed to end his murderous ways.

NIXON: It’s going to be the greatest Xmas Eve ever! On par with the time I did a pub crawl at Arizona State back in ’71 with Chairman Mao.

MORBO: Morbo DEMANDS to know how you were able to reboot Santa’s hard drive for love and peace.

NIXON: Simple. Last Xmas, as Santa attacked the White House, we set out a glass of milk-flavored fortified wine, which he drank, as he’s programmed to do. The wine was infused with a virus that erased the “naughty” file from his hard drive, causing Santa to judge everyone “nice” from now on. Meaning he will reward the world with presents instead of death!

MORBO: Thereby ruining Morbo’s favorite holiday! Yet another setback in Morbo’s dream for world annihilatin.

NIXON: Let me say this about that. I’m always working on ways to start a new world war, and the new year will deliver on those efforts!

LINDA: *laughs*

AMY: Could it really be?

HERMES: Santa Claus is going to be sweet and giving from now on?

FRY: If it’s on TV, it must be true!

LEELA: I don’t know… it all seems a little too convenient.

FRY: Leela, don’t you get it? This is what Xmas is SUPPOSED to be like! Besides, why would Nixon lie?


BENDER: …so if you really want that mail-order Venutian you’ve been asking for, all you gotta do is be in Times Square tonight, and Santa will deliver!

SAL: I’ll use soaps before I comes!

BENDER: Remember to tell ‘em Bender sent you!

SAL: Yous gots it!

BENDER: (heads for O’Zorgnax’s) Time to lube the old voice box! A pint o’oil barkeep.

IZAC: You got it!

FENDER: There you go, Tinny Tim—the new Pentium five chip for your troubles. Don’t download it all in one place.

TINNY TIM: Thank you, kind sir! And may you get knobs that go to eleven this Xmas!

BENDER: Hey, Fender! It’s your old pal, Bender!

FENDER: Bender, my main man! Whacha been up to, brother?

BENDER: Just making a little extra jack for the holidays.

FENDER: How so?

BENDER: Well, I can’t say much, other than the fact that I’m working for the Robot Devil. My job is to get people to be in Times Square for the debut of the new-and-improved Santa Claus tonight.

FENDER: Me too! Does this mean you’re getting a role on “All My Circuts” also?

BENDER: *spits out his drink* WHAT?! You’re going to be on “All My Circuts”? With CALCULON?!

FENDER: Yeah. That’s my reward for delivering a certain quota of people to the celebration.

BENDER: I’ve spent years stalking Calculon! And now you’re going to be acting with him? Mere feet from that glorious thespian? It’s not fair!

FENDER: You’ve still got time. Go talk to the Devil and see if he’s got a role for you.

BENDER: Damn right I will! Thanks, Fender, old pal. You’ve always been a good friend.

FENDER: What are friends for?

BENDER: (points at Fender over his shoulder as he leaves) That chump’s buying my drink.

IZAC: You got it!


BENDER: A lousy five bucks per person for me, eh? What’s everybody else getting? A date with Monique? Cooking lessons from Elzar? Ol’ Bender is just as deserving as the next bucket of bolts! Open up in there-- *he knocks and the door swings open* Whuh? *he walks inside the dark room* The door opened all by itself! Aw, geez. This is the part in the movie where the robot always gets killed for being someplace he’s not supposed to be… Hmmm… A creepy darkened room… a mysterious light from behind a closed door… maybe I should get out while I can! *lights a cigar* Eh, you only boot up once… a day. *peeks into the next room*

ROBOT DEVIL: The plan is working perfectly, sir! *he stands before a projection of Earth, talking to a mysterious head in a jar* The robots under my thumb have been speading the word about the new-and-improved Santa like a virus though spam mail!

HEAD: That’s good, very good. Then everything is on schedule?

ROBOT DEVIL: Absolutely. Come tonight, every fool gathered in Time Square will be a sitting duck for Santa Claus, who hasn’t changed one IOTA! If anything, he’s more vicious than ever!

BENDER: (thinks while the Robot Devil cackles in the background) [i]It’s a trap! I’ve got to do something! But what?[/i] *opens his chest* [i]Can’t use my eye cameras unless I tape over the video of Leela and Amy undressing in the changing room at work! And this audio cassette is the only copy of my latest spoken word album![/i] Ooh, wait! I almost forgot, I’ve got a third camera “below the equator”! *a servo whirs*

HEAD: … once Santa wipes up New New York, he’ll proceed to the other major cities of the world, where robots will have gathered more suckers for a season’s greeting they’ll NEVER forget! Everyone will have played into our hands perfectly!

ROBOT DEVIL: Leaving me with a new batch of robots to condemn in Robot Hell for coming the worst sin of all… delivering their fellow man into the homicidal hands of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick!

HEAD: Good work, Devil. Now why don’t you fork over one of those stogies you’ve got burning. The smell is divine!

ROBOT DEVIL: But I don’t smoke cigars!

HEAD: Where’s that smoke coming from…?

The Robot Devil examines a burnt cigar while Bender just makes an escape.

A little later…

The crew is rehearsing the play for Scruffy, Cubert, and Nibbler.

ZOIDBERG: … and from that day forth, Christmas became known as… XMAS!!

BENDER: (bursts in) The city is boned!

PROFESSOR: Sorry, Bender, but I’m not going to use this play for social commentary!

BENDER: No, the city’s REALLY BONED! And it’s thanks to the Robot Devil and Santa Claus!

A few minutes later…

Everyone has changed out of their costumes.

BENDER: … and that’s when I cheesed it! But I think I got the whole conversation on tape!

AMY: We need to tell someone!

LEELA: Amy’s right. We have to get the word out as quickly as possible. There’s only a few hours left before sundown, and people are already gathering in Times Square!

FRY: But how can we reach the population of New New York city in so little time?

LEELA: We’ll need the help of the one man people trust most when it comes to news of imminent death… *switches the TV*

MORBO: … and in more uplifting news of death and destruction around the universe…


Fry, Leela, and Bender run through Times Square, some revelers in the crowd holding up signs so Santa can spot them easier.

LEELA: We’ve got to hurry before the newscast ends!

MORBO: And now for Morbo’s Moment: it is Xmas Eve, a night when pain and suffering are synonymous with stockings and stuffing. But tonight, we witness the end of a tradition. Yes, Santa Claus has changed for the better. Sadly, peace on Earth my now be truly attained.

BENDER: Not if we can help it!

MORBO: What is going on?

Three guards are trying to restrain Bender, Fry, and Leela.

BENDER: It’s all a trick, Morbo, and the Robot Devil’s behind it! Santa Claus hasn’t changed, and the reason he wants everyone in Times Square tonight is to kill them!

MORBO: Now this is a breaking story!

BENDER: Damn skippy! Anyone who’s in Times Square, go home and hide like you do every Xmas Eve! Santa’s on a chopping spree tonight! I know ‘cause I got the Devil and some other mysterious yahoo on videotape plotting the whole thing out! The name’s Bender, and I’m available for all magazine covers, reality shows that pay a million bucks or more, and soap opera cameos!

MORBO: √2 News will bring you the exclusive broadcast of Bender’s videotape, along with state-of-the-art voice analysis to find out who the Devil is working with, after these messages! *walks Bender away* Thank you for your help, good sir. You have made Morbo’s Xmas. Now, if we could have that video…

BENDER: I’ve got it right here…

NIXON: Not so fast!

BENDER: President Nixon’s head!

NIXON: Hello, Bender, excellent work getting the drop on the Robot Devil’s nefarious plans. You’re a credit to your country.

BENDER: (saluting) Thank you, Mr. President’s head, sir!

LEELA: Pardon me for asking, but what are you doing here, sir?

NIXON: I was meeting my good friend Morbo here for dinner. But now I’m afraid that will have to wait! Bender, that videotape is a matter of GLOBAL security. You and your friends may be in danger, and although it’s vital to get the tape on the air as soon as possible, we still have to keep you out of harm’s way!

BENDER: How will you do that?

NIXON: We’ll simply send the broadcast to √2 news from the White House via satellite so my men can guard you. A hover-limo is waiting downstairs. *the guards usher the group out*

A moment later…

NIXON: See you there!

The guards stay on the station steps while Bender, Leela, and Fry head for the limo.

FRY: (waves to Nixon) Wow, one of my life-long dreams is going to come true! I’ll finally know what a forty-thousand dollar toilet seat feels like!

LEELA: (looks around the inside of the limo) Yeah, this is pretty fortunate. It doesn’t get much safer than this.

A divider window whirs down, revealing Robot Santa is driving the limo and allowing green fumes to fill the back while the locks activate.

SANTA: Just RELAX and think of it as your own personal slay ride!


LEELA: GAS! We’ve got to get out of here!

FRY: No use! The doors are locked tighter than my TMJ!

Fry and Leela go under and slump onto each other while Bender puts his hands behind his head.

BENDER: Sorry, Santa baby, but I’m a robot. Your little gas tricks don’t work on me…

SANTA: Fair enough. (he zaps Bender with a laser gun) Sleep tight, kiddies. You’ve got a long night ahead of you! Ho, ho, ho!

Later that evening…

BENDER: (comes too) Whuh? Wh-what happened? Where am I?

Bender looks around. He is hanging from chains just above a wheel of spikes while Fry and Leela are chained to the wall.

ROBOT DEVIL: You’re in the bowels of Hell, Bender!


ROBOT DEVIL: Actually, we’re in the basement of my holiday home. It was originally designed as Kathie Lee’s game room. I just threw some pain on the walls to brighten the place up!

BENDER: What are you going to do to us?

ROBOT DEVIL: (holding up a cassette) I’m going to torture you and your friends until you tell us where the other copies of this videotape are!

BENDER: COPIES?! Who said anything about—

LEELA: Uh, you know, Bender… those “COPIES” you made? The ones we’re using as a bargaining chip to keep us alive?

BENDER: Oh… yeah… look, I’M the one who made the tape to begin with. Let my friends go, and we’ll work something out—how about some sort of purgatory payment plan?

VOICE: I’m afraid there’s a little more at stake, Bender.

BENDER: President Nixon?! You’re in cahoots with the Robot Devil and Robot Santa?

NIXON: It sounds crazy, I know.


NIXON: We made up this charade about Santa turning over a new leaf so we could get everyone out in the open on Xmas Eve. Once Santa started slaying, I would call in the DOOP to take him down, making me look like the hero! That’s right—Richard Nixon, HERO!

FRY: But why do you need to look heroic? You’re the president!

NIXON: With the election next November, I need all the support I can get! I’ll ride the wave of public admiration for saving their sorry butts into another term, and then pardon Santa right before the holidays! Just in time for him to fill his naughty quota next Xmas!

LEELA: So what’s in it for you two?

ROBOT DEVIL: The president is going to appoint me his vice president when he gets re-elected!

SANTA: Unh-uh! He promised ME that postion!

ROBOT DEVIL: Sorry, but it’s obvious who’s more suited for public office. I WAS the mastermind behind this entire plan. Now, let’s get on with the torture, shall we?,,, *pulls a level, lowering Bender toward the spikes*

SANTA: No way! I EARNED that job! All you did was a bribe a bunch of stupid robots who are just going to end up waxing your butt in Robot Hell!

NIXON: Boys, relax. I’m sure there’s an easy way to settle this. A potato sack race, or something…

SANTA: No way! We’re going to handle this like menbots!

ROBOT DEVIL: Bring it on, fat boy!

BENDER: How about we let old Bender down first?

SANTA: (a small rocket pops out of his shoulder) This is a long time coming, Beelzebot! You’ve been at the top of my naughty list for YEARS!

ROBOT DEVIL: (lifts his pitchfork threateningly) Like you don’t have your own private circle awaiting you in Robot Hell, moron?

The fired rocket zooms over the Devil’s head and turns toward Fry and Leela.

FRY: Ahhh! That rocket’s coming right at us, Leela!

LEELA: I see it! My depth perception isn’t THAT BAD!


The rocket blows up, Fry and Leela fall to the ground while Santa strangles the Robot Devil.

LEELA: It impacted on our chains! We’re free!

SANTA: Here’s a sample of my Xmas wrapping technique!


FRY: Bender’s about to shred! What are we gonna do?


Leela picks up the Devil’s pitchfork.

LEELA: Come on, Leela. You didn’t spend all those nights alone at O’Glorgnax’s pub playing darts for nothing! *she aims and throws the pitchfork, hitting the switch and stopping the mechanism*

BENDER: (about an inch about the spikes) Mommy.

FRY: You did it!

LEELA: (helps Bender down) Come on, Bender! We have to get out of here!

BENDER: I swear, I’m SO going to get you guys gifts this year! And I won’t even steal ‘em!

With Santa and the Devil fighting, Nixon’s jar rolls around the ground by itself.

NIXON: Wait! Don’t leave me here with these maniacs!

LEELA: Why shouldn’t we? You were planning to have everyone KILLED! We’re going to call the police and expose you!

NIXON: NO! Not that! I’ll do anything! I’ll give you your own country! Your own PLANET! Name your price!

LEELA: I’ve got a better idea. Pick him up, Bender. The president’s spending Xmas Eve with US!

Later that night…

The Xmas play is on, with Zoidberg on stage in a large bed wearing and Omicronian head and Hermes in his top hat and speedos.

HERMES: Tonight, Ebenezer Omicronian, you will be visited by six ghosts who will foretell the coming of Zombie Jesus! Farewell!

Nixon’s head rolls onstage among applause, with his jar wrapped in chain and the Xmas palm tree sitting on top.

ZOIDBERG: (sits up) Hello! You must be the ghost of President Richard Nixon’s head!

NIXON: I AM President Nixon’s head, you dirty red commie!

FRY: Bender, it was a really brave thing you did today making that tape. I’m proud of you, buddy.

BENDER: Well, I have a small confession to make. I couldn’t get my camera to “perform” if you get my drift.

LEELA: (crosses her arms) You mean there was nothing on the tape? You BLUFFED the Robot Devil, Santa Claus, AND President Nixon because your “camera” can’t—

FRY: It’s all right, Bender. It happens to me nine times out of ten.

LEELA: Well, we still saved the day. All things considered, this is the best Xmas gift I could ask for. Merry Xmas, guys!

FRY: (clearly breaking the forth wall) Merry Xmas to you, too!

PROFESSOR: (runs by the three stark naked) Cram a fruitcake in it, Fry! Time for the BIG FINALE!

LEELA: (in a caption bubble) … and to all a good night!

(EXTRA) H.G. Blob in Revenge of the BLOB


H.G. Blob heads for the Rialto theater. Once inside, he walks among the seated patrons, which include Walt, Larry, Igner, Tinny Tim, Fry, and Bender. The room darkens and the movie “The Blob” begins.


Mr. Blob looks apprehensive in response to the movie.

ON SCREEN: Gee whiz, something just FELL out of the sky. Let’s go look at it!

A little later…

Mr. Blob is happily leaning over the seats in front of him.

ON SCREEN: Ahhh! Someone help! The blob is EATING ME!

Later still…

H.G. BLOB: (pumping his tentacle arm) Woo hoo! Yeah! GET ‘EM!

ON SCREEN: The blob is eating the ENTIRE town! Golly gee, we’re DOOMED!

Even later…

Mr. Blob has a tear falling from one of his three eyes.

ON SCREEN: The blob is dead! It’s safe to sock-hop and wear poodle skirts again!

The final screen with ‘The End?’ rolls while Mr. Blob sadly puts on his hat.

MAN: (points at H.G. Blob) Hey, look at this guy! Ooh, scary! “The Blob” must’ve been this guy’s COUSIN! Anybody got a Jello mold handy so I can defend myself?

H.G. Blob’s eyes narrow to a threatening glare.

That night…

H.G. BLOB’S WIFE: (knitting) How come you’re not eating your dinner, dear?

H.G. BLOB: (has a TV dinner in one “hand”, a fork in the other, and the heckler from the theater floating in his “stomach”) Ehh, I filled up on JUNK at the theater.