MORBO: AT LAST! Morbo's dreams will come true! Tonight, mankind will meet it's untimely demise, and all will be witness to the suffering and humiliation known as... 'WHO'S DYING TO BE A GAZILLIONAIRE?' (Morbo is standing on a stage to a very familiar game show)
CROWD: (assorted claps, hoots, and cheers) All right! Woo hoo! Win some greenbacks!
MORBO: SILENCE!!! TIME TO PLAY! Welcome back Free Waterfall III, yet another human looking for fame and fortune via pathetic game shows. Your kind makes Morbo fight to keep from blowing chunks on National Television.
FREE WATERFALL III: Thanks Morbo. Glad to be here.
MORBO: When we last left this inferior human, he was stuck on the ONE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Are you ready to play?
FREE WATERFALL III: I sure am! And if I win, I'm donating the money to the 'Save the Holographic Rain Forest of...'
MORBO: SILENCE! Morbo cares not! And it pleases Morbo to remind you that if you miss this question,you will be OBLITERATED BY LASER FIRE! (a large laser, crackling and popping, is lowered over Free Waterfall III)
FREE WATERFALL III: Gulp!
MORBO: LET US PLAY! For One Million Dollars: One of the following recent comic book titles did NOT celebrate it's one thousandth issue... A- Space Boy In Outer Space! B- Superbot, Machine Of Steel! C- Justice League Of Central America! Or, D- Roswell, Little Green Man!
FREE WATERFALL III: Um, well... let's see, uh... I really don't read comic books...
MORBO: Is there any kind of ANSWER in Morbo's future?
FREE WATERFALL III: All right, My answer to the question is, Uhhh... C! Justice League Of Central America!
MORBO: Free Waterfall III... YOU ARE WRONG! PREPARE TO DIE! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
FREE WATERFALL III: Uh, oh... (the laser is activated, killing him) YEEAAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
MORBO: Morbo LOVES this game!
Cut to the Planet Express Lounge.
BENDER: (wiping a tear from his eye) I swear, I would weld myself to this couch for the rest of my life if I could see a hippie die on TV every night.
MORBO: (on the TV) For the love of...! WHAT REEKS OF BURNT PATCHOULI OIL IN HERE?
FRY: Eh, that guy was playing for all the wrong reasons, anyway. Money for the environment? PUH-LEASE! Last time I checked, trees didn't have bank accounts. What's the point of giving THEM money? The only reason to go on one of those game shows is out of pure selfishness! It's the American way!
LEELA: Then why don't YOU try to go on one, smart guy?
FRY: Eh, I got better things to do. (Pops open a Slurm, chugs it) BRAAAP!
HERMES: (on the intercom) People, report to the conference room! We're doomed! DOOOOOOMED!
BENDER: Annnnd another work day begins!
Cut to the Conference Room.
PROFESSOR: Bad news, everyone. It seems my worst enemy has caught up with me and is fixing to make our, by which I mean YOUR, lives a living hell!
LEELA: President Nixon's head lowered the minimum wage AGAIN?
PROFESSOR: Worse... It's the IRS!
HERMES: Sweet kangaroo of Katmandu! Not the feds!
LEELA: What's the problem, Professor?
PROFESSOR: They discovered I'm 160 instead of 150- ten years older than the age I've been putting down on my tax returns.
FRY: Then they should cut you a break! In my day, old people had it easy- senior discount at the movies, senior discount at Denny's, the CBS network...
PROFESSOR: It's not that simple now, Fry. The IRS says that since those ten years are unaccounted for, I have to pay back taxes!
HERMES: How much?
PROFESSOR: ONE MILLION DOLLARS! And if I don't come up with the money, I have to declare bankruptcy and sell Planet Express!
BENDER: Good luck with that, wrinkly. Glad I'm not you. Nice knowin' everyone, Except Zoidberg.
SCRUFFY: Scruffy's goin' back to Graduate School to finish his Masters in Theoretical Janitorial Science!
FRY: Wait! We can't leave the Professor in this hour of need! We have to combine forces and raise the money ourselves! The Professor helped us all when we needed it by giving us low paying jobs! Now it's time to show our appreciation!
EVERYONE: (silence... then) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ZOIDBERG: I think Fry, like Zoidberg, has been drinking the spoiled milk!
BENDER: Does not compute!
PROFESSOR: Why am I laughing again?
FRY: Well I'm willing to do my part. Professor, how much time do we have to raise the money?
PROFESSOR: Oodles. A whole week!
FRY: A WEEK!? Why you little... (starts to strangle the Professor)
PROFESSOR: Oh- my- no!
LEELA: (stops Fry) All, right, people. As usual, Fry's heart is in the right place, but his mind is somewhere 'special'. But he's right. We have to try, for the Professor's sake.
BENDER: (face palms) Ohh, what is it with you people and 'trying' all the time?
LEELA: (holds her hand out in front of herself) For the Professor! (everyone follows suit, except Bender, who extinguishes his cigar on Fry's hand)
EVERYONE: For the Professor!
BENDER: He he he!
ZOIDBERG: I'm holding hands with friends!
Scene- outside Planet Express. (Rose Royce's 'Car Wash' song is being played.) A hover car wash is set up, and they are washing cars for $10 each. Bender is selling questionable treats from inside his chest cavity. Fry and Leela are doing well, but Amy is making a killing washing the cars in a skimpy bikini. She slows down when Hermes and the Professor go to 'help' her wearing nothing but speedos.
Four days later...
HERMES: Listen up, people! Despite the gangbuster sales of the 'Wild Girls of The Workplace' video (holds up a video with Amy and Leela taking showers- their naughty bits are covered with black boxes), Amy's Bikini hover-car wash, and, again, Amy's French Kissing lessons, we're still short of paying the Professor's debt by 993,422.
BENDER: (aside to Fry) Whew! I was afraid that taking my 5,000 cut of the video sales was going to make a difference!
PROFESSOR: Oh, let's face it. Planet Express is done for, and you're all going to be out on your heinies!
AMY: So all that French kissing was for nothing!?
SCRUFFY: Not all. Scruffy can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue now.
HERMES: Well, there's not much left to do now but wallow in misery and blame our inactivity on severe depression and loss of hope. Like any other work day.
BENDER: Can do!
FRY: (thinking) Hmmm... (gets up and walks to the lounge. He picks up the phone...) Hello? Morbo's 'Gazillionaire Death Show'? I'd like to take the test to be a contestant, please... Sure I'll answer a few questions... Phillip J. Fry... 25... Uh, carbon based life form... I think...
Back in the conference Room-
HERMES: ...and based on what the man at the Seafood Market said, we can get a good two fifty a pound for Zoidberg's carcass.
ZOIDBERG: Hooray! Zoidberg is USEFUL!
FRY: (coming back into the room) I DID IT!
LEELA: You found a better market price for Zoidberg?
FRY: NO, I got on the 'Gazillionaire Show'!
LEELA: You passed the test on the show's contestant hotline? How?
FRY: I don't know! I just knew the answers!
BENDER: Yeah, Leela! Fry's a genius, and don't you forget it!
FRY: Thanks, buddy.
BENDER: (whispering) There's a whole lot more where that came from if I get a cut of your fabulous prizes...
AMY: (grabs Fry's arm) Fry, you can't go on that show! If you loose, you'll die!
FRY: I'm not gonna loose! Loosing is for losers! Do I look like a loser? (everyone refuses to look at him, trying to look busy)
LEELA: Look, Fry, I know you mean well, but you're going to get yourself killed.
FRY: Well at least I'M willing to make that kind of sacrifice for the Professor! Think of all the things he does for us!
LEELA: Like sending us on suicide missions?
HERMES: And paying us half of the required minimum wage?
BENDER: And don't get me started on the random sobriety testing!
FRY: Put it this way- unless someone can think of something better, tomorrow is our last day at Planet Express, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure it's not! Now, who wants to help me NOT get killed by going on the show as my 'answer buddy'?
LEELA: No way!
HERMES: Not this greensnake!
ZOIDBERG: (waving his claw wildly) Ooh! Pick ME! I have a degree in medicine! My name means 'smarty pants' in Squiddish!
FRY: Why won't anyone go on the show with me?
ZOIDBERG: (Now dancing around trying to get Fry's attention) I WILL, I WILL!
LEELA: Because if you miss a million dollar or more question, your answer buddy dies too!
FRY: Well, I bet my best friend won't abandon me!
BENDER: WRONG YOU ARE. But since robots aren't allowed to be 'answer buddies' because of our memory capacity, it saved me the moral dilemma.
FRY: So NO ONE is willing to go with me?
ZOIDBERG: (now jumping up and down, dancing, and waving his claws like a mad man) YO! Right here, chief! I'm all over it! I got your tailfin!
FRY: FINE! But just remember who saved your job when I come back with that million bucks!
BENDER: And just to be safe, I'll start pricing cemetery plots for you, pal! (Fry storms out)
PROFESSOR: (comes in holding a paper cup) Good news, everyone! Another random sobriety test!
Fry is seen lying on the couch in the lounge reading books about game shows ('How to Be A Know-it-all', 'Game Shows for Dimwits', and 'Common Game Show Questions')
LEELA: (looking in on Fry) We have to do something to stop this... (walks into the kitchen to confront the P.E. Crew) Fry's gonna get himself killed on that game show! It's a suicide mission!
BENDER: just like every other day of his life.
HERMES: What can we do? The Professor needs the money, and it seems as if there's no other way to get it short of robbing a bank!
BENDER: Oh! I've got the ski masks! Who's got the getaway car?
LEELA: We're not resorting to crime. For once. We just have to put our heads together and figure out a safe way to get the money.
BENDER: (holding a 'Mom's Malt Liquor' bottle) I don't know who the Professor knows that has that kind of jack!
HERMES: (wearing a 'MOM' T-shirt) Who could possibly have that much?
AMY: (wearing a sweatshirt w/ Mom's picture on it) No one comes to mind!
SCRUFFY: Scruffy knows someone...
In the Professor's Lab...
PROFESSOR: No way in ROBOT HELL will I ask that saggy sack of suck for anything, let alone money!
LEELA: You have to ask Mom! Fry's life depends on it, Professor! He's going on this game show to win the money for Planet Express! For you!
PROFESSOR: I know! I'll create a clone of Fry to go on the show. How much time do I have?
LEELA: He's on the show tomorrow.
PROFESSOR: DAMN THAT BOY! Doesn't he realize cloning takes time? And to do it right, he'd have to be lobotomized...
LEELA: Professor, just ask Mom to LOAN you the money, and then we'll all help pay her back. HE'D do it for YOU.
The Professor and Leela watch Fry reading a book and walking into a wall.
FRY: OOF! (to the wall) You wanna piece of me? STEP OUTSIDE! IT'S GO TIME!...
PROFESSOR: He has no chance in Hell, does he?
Cut to Momcorp.
MOM: You want HOW MUCH MONEY!? BWAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHA!
WALT: He said he wants to BORROW a million dollars, Mom...
MOM: QUIET! You crud eating cretins! (slaps Walt, Larry and Igner) Hubert, why in the world would I loan you money, when all you've ever done for me is break my heart?
PROFESSOR: I know I've made some mistakes handling our relationship, and for that I'm sorry. But I'm hoping to appeal to your memories of the good times we shared. The happiness we once...
MOM: (slams her fist down on her desk) stuff it in your hash hole! Sweet talk won't help you now, Hubie!
PROFESSOR: Well if you don't loan me the money, I'll loose Planet Express! People may die!
MOM: (thinking) Perhaps there is a way to help each other... how about I BUY Planet Express, and you and your crew can work under me as a means to pay off the debt? Just like old times. My boy, Igner here, can work as your apprentice. He's quite talented...
IGNER: I invented a poopy.
PROFESSOR: OVER MY SAGGING, HAIRLESS, ATROPHIED BODY! You'll never own Planet Express! I'd rather go out of business than work for the likes of you again!
LARRY: (to Mom) We can 'convince' him to sell with the vice and blow torch, Mother...
MOM: IDIOTS! That 'poopy' line was the deal-breaker! (slaps the three of them again)
IGNER: Uh, oh. I just invented another one!
Cut to- Planet Express Hangar.
FRY: come on, Scruffy! If you agree to be my answer buddy, you can be on TV! TEE VEE! Don't you want to be famous?
SCRUFFY: Scruffy can't. Scruffy's got logarithms to figure out.
ZOIDBERG: (STILL trying to get Fry's attention) HEEE-LLOO? FRYYYY? There's a doctor in the house!
FRY: No one wants to go on the show and be rich and famous? FINE! BE THAT WAY! I'll just have to be the hero all by myself! So I'll just go... don't anyone try to stop me...
BENDER: (looking at porn) We won't!
HERMES: Jah speed!
AMY: Say my name on the air!
Fry storms out, as Leela looks on, nervously.
At the taping for the TV show...
BACKSTAGE WORKER: All right, Mr. Fry, only ten minutes until show time. Has your 'answer buddy' arrived yet?
FRY: (being attacked by a makeup robot) COUGH! GAK! Um, yeah, about that... I don't think...
LEELA: Save the thinking for the show, Fry!
FRY: LEELA! YOU CAME!
LEELA: I couldn't let you die without a good fight.
FRY: (hugs Leela) So, what's the plan? If I give the wrong answer, You attack Morbo and I run away like a school girl?
LEELA: No plan. We're doing this fair and square. Come what may!
FRY: Oh. GOODY.
BACKSTAGE WORKER: It's SHOWTIME, folks!
A moment later...
FRY: (on stage) Well, here we go. Good luck, everybody!
RAOUL: BUZZ OFF!
RANDY: YOU'RE GOING DOWN, YOU!
HATTIE: Luck's for whachacallits... BUTTHEADS!
FRY: (looking out into the audience seeing Leela wave to him) Gulp!
T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now, from New New York City, the entertainment capital of the world, if you don't count Branson or the Red Light District of Amsterdam... 'Who's Dying To Become A Gazzillionaire!', with your host... MORRRRRBOOOO!
MORBO: Morbo thanks you and welcomes you to the 501st night of our show... not because Morbo wants to, but only because the network requires I read their insipid cue cards! Without further delay... let us find our first contestant! Morbo DEMANDS you put the following planets in order from furthest to closest from earth: Decapod 10... Spheron 1... Vergon... Trisol!
FRY: (scratches head) Uhhh...
HATTIE: this one goes before that other thingamabob...
RANDY: Trisol's the one with the ring around it, right?...
MORBO: TIME HAS EXPIRED! Let us see who got the answers in order the quickest!
A scoreboard shows the following contestants and their times- Ogden Wernstrom- 8.36 Hattie McDoogal- 10.66 Gorgax of Trisol- 6.03 Philip J. Fry- 5.89 Randy Munchnik- 12.30 Raoul Inglis- 7.54
MORBO: And our first contestant is... Philip J. Fry from New New York! Morbo ORDERS you join him at the podium! (crowd applauds)
FRY: All right! I'm really happy to be here Morbo, and...
MORBO: SILENCE, INSOLENT HUMAN! You will meet your doom soon enough! Now let us play!
Cut to Planet Express Lounge-
The rest of the crew is gathered around the TV watching.
AMY: OH MY GOD! He's actually going to play!
BENDER: Man, is Fry going to be happy when I tell him the sweet deal I got him on a mausoleum! It's located in a swamp, but the view is TO DIE FOR! 'To die for'! I should write this stuff down...
PROFESSOR: (Walking into the lounge) what's going on in here? Why haven't you people quit yet?
HERMES: We're going to, right after the 'Gazillionaire' show. Fry's going to play for the big money.
PROFESSOR: Fry's on that DANGEROUS game show? HE COULD DIE!
AMY: Isn't it fun? (hands a bowl to the Professor) Popcorn?
BENDER: (with a pen and paper) 'To die for'... context, swamp grave...
PROFESSOR: Sorry, but there's something I HAVE to do! (walks out)
Back at the TV studio.
MORBO: For five hundred dollars, which of the following athletes did NOT murder his ex-wife?
A moment later...
FRY: A Mike Piazza
A little after that...
FRY: C Australian rules 'Kick the Can'
MORBO: Right AGAIN!
Getting even closer to the million...
MORBO: 'I Can't Believe It's Not Cous-Cous Spread'... Is that your conclusive response, Mr. Fry?
FRY: (nervous/jumpy) Uhh... Ummm... YES?
MORBO: Philip J. Fry... you have just WON 500,000 DOLLARS! Congratulations on once again avoiding death!
CROWD: All right! (assorted cheers/clapping)
MORBO: Morbo demands SILENCE from the studio audience! Now, would you like to go for the ONE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION, Fry? Remember, you still have your 'answer buddy' left to your disposal.
FRY: Uhh...well... let me see... (looks into the audience at Leela. She is shaking her head 'NO' and waving her arms back and forth)
MORBO: Take your time, but make it QUICK!
FRY: Morbo, since the money I win today is going to be used to help someone I care about... I'M GOING FOR THE MILLION!
MORBO: Morbo is happy for you! Because as always at this point in the program, we lower the CONTESTANT CREMATATRON 5000 OVER YOUR HEAD! If you miss the answer, you DIE! Do you understand the consequences?
FRY: (looks above him as the weapon is lowered over him, cracking and buzzing) EEP.
MORBO: Now for the one million dollar question... Which English Monarch is memorialized by a statue in London's Trafalgar Square? A Henry V... B Henry VI... C Henry VII... or D Charles I?
FRY: (looks out at Leela, who is smiling nervously) Uhhhh... I'd like to use my 'answer buddy', Morbo. My friend Leela, in the studio audience.
MORBO: Morbo demands Leela join us at the podium! TWO DEATHS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! COLOR MORBO ESTATIC! (audience applauds) You have THIRTY SECONDS to discuss and answer the question! BEGIN!
FRY: (holds hands w/ Leela and whispers) sorry, Leela! Do you know it?
LEELA: (Whispering back) Are you kidding? I can't remember any royals before Charles XXIV became King of England! Although I think his father's name was Charles, too.
FRY: WE'RE SO BONED! SO very BONED! Think, Fry, THINK!
LEELA: (whispering) Would it be an understatement to say I never thought it would end THIS way?
FRY: Wait a second... (In Fry's mind he sees himself talking to Scruffy. Scruffy is reading a magazine titled 'History's Bad Girls of Buckingham Palace')
SCRUFFY: ... Among other things, it says here Charles I was the first English King to be beheaded while on the throne, which is why that statue of him on his horse sits in Trafalgar Square to this day. Scruffy READS the articles.
FRY: Shove a scone in it, Scruffy! I wanna see some ROYAL SKIN!
The buzzer indicating the time had expired goes off,ending Fry's memory.
FRY: I KNOW IT!
MORBO: MORBO DEMANDS AN ANSWER!
FRY: The answer is D CHARLES THE FIRST! (Leela cringes)
MORBO: To Morbo's BEWILDERED DISBELIEF... that is CORRECT! Philip J. Fry, you have won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
LEELA: (hugging Fry and jumping up and down) YOU DID IT, FRY!
FRY: WE SAVED PLANET EXPRESS!
AUDIENCE: (clapping) YAAAY! (in AL2) He pulled that one out of his ass!
MORBO: Would you like to continue dodging your imminent death, Mr. Fry?
FRY: NO WAY!
MORBO: Then BE GONE so Morbo can pick another foolish mortal to risk obliteration for fabulous cash and prizes!
FRY: (walking off stage w/ Leela) I didn't think I could do it, Leela
LEELA: Me neither. How did you know that answer?
FRY: well, it all started with SCRUFFY...
PROFESSOR: FRY, DON'T DO IT! (the Professor is followed by Mom, Walt, Larry and Igner)
PROFESSOR: Fry, my boy, don't risk your life for Planet Express! I've taken care of the problem!
MOM: Oh dear, that would be a very happy ending if Professor Farnsworth had not already SOLD Planet Express to ME. I mean, how could I resist someone who comes CRAWLING to me on his hands and knees SNIVELING like the WUSSIE he is in his HOUR OF NEED?
FRY: She's so sweet!
LEELA: Fry, that means you get to keep the million dollars! YOU'RE RICH!
BACKSTAGE WORKER: Actually, he's NOT! The sale of Planet Express took place TWELVE MINUTES BEFORE Mr. Fry won, making him AN EMPLOYEE OF MOMCORP... the owner of the show. That means he's...
MOM: ...Ineligible to compete? Dear me. Well, rules ARE rules!
WALT: (getting off his cell phone) And the rich get richer. Mother, dear, I've just been informed that tonight's episode had a 620 share! Momcorp's STOCK is SKYROCKETING!
PROFESSOR: I think I know how to solve everyone's problems!
Back at Planet Express conference room.
PROFESSOR: ...And just like that, Planet Express is OURS again!
LEELA: What did you do, Professor?
PROFESSOR: I simply made Mom an offer she COULDN'T REFUSE! I traded my Momcorp stock now valued at TWO million dollars to Mom herself in exchange for the OWNERSHIP OF PLANET EXPRESS!
HERMES: WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
LEELA: This means more missions of IMMINENT DEATH!
HERMES: At the LOWEST WAGES possible!
BENDER: (takes beer out of his chest cavity and passes it around) WE'RE THE GREATEST! LET'S CELEBRATE!
AMY: Wait, we're missing the greatest hero of all. WHERE'S FRY?
PROFESSOR: But more importantly, where's SCRUFFY?
Everyone turns to him angrily.
AMY: WHO'S SCRUFFY?
Cut to an old English style living room. Scruffy is sitting in a leather chair, and Fry is lying on the floor at his feet.
FRY: Come on, Scruffy! Teach me more about HISTORY!
SCRUFFY: Scruffy's a LEARNED MAN. How would Fry like to learn about the reign of Queen Britney from 2006 to 2049?
FRY: AND HOW!
CUBERT'S GUIDE TO SCI-FI!
CUBERT: Greetings my Sci-Fi loving brethren! Welcome to the first edition of my guide on how to make the most of your Science Fiction experience in your daily lives. Using my extensive genius and burning desire to know all, I have compiled this syllabus of what's what in Sci-Fi today and beyond. I assure you, there is no higher authority on the subject of Science Fiction than I, as I was recently named 'Mr. Sci-Fi God' by the website 'Cubertfarnsworthfutureoverlord.com', a homeless man I gave a dollar to, and Wendell, my invisible friend, although the Professor persists on calling him 'imaginary'. Pfft! Big words coming from someone who can't even tell me why a 'black hole' is black! Anyway, I hope you find my guide informative and entertaining. And to those of you who don't, you're probably the type that prefers Picard to Kirk! And we all know what kind of a looser that is!
PT. 1: HOW TO PLAN YOUR CONVENTION WEEKEND:
Making the most of your time over the three greatest days of your life (until next year's convention).
Look in the next installment...
PT. 2: The Guide to the Sci-Female!