Scene- Planet Express Conference Room.
GLAB: Zapp Brannigan wants you!
LEELA: What? WHY ME?
FRY: (whispering) Because you did the hippidy-dippidy with him!
LEELA: (whispering back) SHUT UP! That's not even a real word! You just made it up!
GLAB: Leela, we understand that you and Captain Brannigan did the hippidy-dippidy, so I'll be brief. DOOP, The Democratic Order Of Planets, needs you for a mission of the utmost importance. (displays a holographic planet) we've been waging war against Da Nang for reasons we've never been clear about. We can defeat these savages at any time, but President Nixon's head thinks war is good for the world economy and makes for thought provoking folk music.
BENDER: Senseless death! The folk singer's best friend!
GLAB: Captain Brannigan was stationed in the jungles of Da Nang 4, but then suddenly disappeared from the DOOP base camp one night. The troops searched high and low but only found Zapp's space helmet. (now displays a simulation of Zapp picking his nose and looking dumber than usual) As you can see in this holo-simulation, we think Zapp removed his helmet and inhaled the planet's toxic fumes, which cause delirium in the human brain. Lost without a trace, we declared him M.I.A. Then, Lieutenant Kroker received this transmission... (presses a button on a recorder)
ZAPP: (on the recording) Kif, old man, I don't have much time, so I'll get to the point... hey, I've never noticed hair in THAT spot before... sorry, where was I? Oh, yes! Kif, I've been crowned the King of a band of savages here on Da Nang known as the 'Charlie' tribe. They feed me, bathe me, wash the hard to reach places without complaint... this is where I belong. Uh, oh! Oh, no... what's happening? No, anything but THAT...!
GLAB: The recording ends there.
LEELA: So Zapp's the King of a tribe of savage aliens. How does this concern me?
GLAB: We received a second transmission from Captain Brannigan. One I think you'll find very interesting, Leela. Listen...
ZAPP: (on the recording again) Kif, It's me again. Sorry about that first tape. I was having my nightly body dip treatment, and the mud started congealing in my various orifices. Kif, as my truest friend and confidant, I need one last favor before we part ways forever. A King needs a Queen. A one-eyed Queen to be precise... LEELA! Bring her to me here on Da Nang 4, and I promise you'll never hear from me again. Once you've arrived and my spies report to me that you have Leela, I'll send you the secret coordinates to my village. Go I must, old man. Conrad says it's time for my 12 O'clock high colonic. Until we meet again...
LEELA: FORGET IT! There's NO WAY IN HELL that I'm going near Zapp Brannigan, let alone be his jungle Queen!
GLAB: Leela, we only want to use you as a decoy to uncover Zapp's whereabouts. Captain Brannigan knows the DOOP's battle plans. He could give away secrets and train an army of savages to attack our forces, which could turn the tide of the war!
LEELA: TOUGH! You're going to have to figure out another way to find Zapp because I'M not doing it!
KIF: (smiling) Well, we gave it our best shot, Sir. We'll just be on our way now. Thanks for your time and...
GLAB: I'm sorry, Leela, but 'NO' isn't an option here. You leave me no choice... (grabs Kif as he tries to leave)
GLAB: Professor. Farnsworth, (pulls cash out of a wallet) I'd like to have Leela delivered to Da Nang 4. Immediately!
LEELA: Professor, you can't do this! There's a war going on up there! We could all die!
PROFESSOR: (counting the money) Uh, well, umm, good point and all...
GLAB: I'll pay three times the usual shipping cost, plus give you and your employees generous bonuses.
HERMES: Sweet geese of Nice!
FRY: Fire up the engines!
PROFESSOR: Off you go!
The Planet Express ship is seen flying through space.
KIF: We could just pretend to look for Zapp and say we couldn't find him... we'll forget about going to Da Nang entirely. We could hang out together for a few days. Somewhere nice. Perhaps the Marley Sector or Panama Jack 7...
BENDER: OOH, I WANNA TAKE YA!
LEELA: I thought you guys wanted your big fat bonuses.
BENDER( pointing a laser pistol at Kif) That's right, sweet pants. No funny business, or the green dork gets it!
LEELA: Relax. You don't need to threaten me to get me to fly the ship, you know.
FRY: Oh yeah? How do we know you won't fly us into a black hole?
LEELA: Maybe because I don't want to die too, idiot!
KIF: (pointing out the window) Well, it's too late to turn back now- we're already here!
LEELA: (opening communications with the surface) Captain Leela of Earth's Planet Express Delivery Company to DOOP base. Requesting atmospheric entry.
DOOP COMMUNICATIONS: THE Captain Leela? The one who did the hippidy-dippidy with Captain Brannigan? Permission granted. Proceed with caution.
Da Nang's surface.
MORBO: (On live T.V.) Some argue that the conflict here on Da Nang 4 wastes time, money, and human lives. And now that Morbo has seen the horrors of this war up close and personal, Morbo can only say... CONGRATULATIONS DA NANG! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! This is Morbo saying good night and death to you and yours.
Scene cuts to Leela, Fry, Bender, and Kif
FRY: Where are we?
KIF: DOOP base camp, about five miles from the actual front line of the war. This is the place where Zapp was last seen alive.
LEELA: (with her fingers crossed) Here's hoping it STAYS that way!
Kif receives a message on a communicator hidden under his uniform glove.
KIF: We just received the coordinates of Zapp's location. We should go, Leela.
LEELA: I want you two to stay with the ship! This place is dangerous, and we have to keep focused on the task at hand, no matter however vile it may be.
FRY: Come on, Leela. You can't really expect us to stay in the ship while you go...
A huge explosion blows trees and animals from the jungle all over.
FRY: (running back to the ship) AY,AY, LEELA! STAY WITH THE SHIP! WHATEVER YOU SAY!
BENDER: I WANT MY MOMMY!
A little later...
On the bank of a jungle river.
DOOP SOLDIER: The hovercraft's fueled and ready to go, Sir.
LEELA: Why are we taking a boat down the river? Wouldn't it be easier to just fly?
DOOP SOLDIER: Da Nangese forces are situated throughout the jungle. You won't get fifty feet before they fire on you from the ground. Plus, taking a Da Nangissippi river cruise is listed as a 'must do' in the 'Let's Go To Da Nang' tour book. Good luck. The DOOP is counting on you!
LEELA: Well, I guess this is it.
KIF: First, we have to signal Zapp that we're coming with this special flare he created.
The flare shoots off into the sky where it explodes into the image of Leela wearing gold high heels and a small towel with Zapp's face on it... and nothing else.
LEELA & KIF: Sigh.
FRY: (in the ship looking down on the flare) WOW! Someone's shooting fireworks! And that one reminds me of someone we know...
FRY: Who's Scruffy?
BENDER: Cripes. I'm fresh out of hooch, and my fuel cells are low. You haven't had anything to drink in the past 24 hours, have you?
FRY: Does lemonade drink powder count?
BENDER: No. Meaning I can't wring any out of you. Looks like we're going to have to go back out there and find some booze!
On the surface. Fry and Bender are near a hospital tent guarded by a soldier and a nurse.
FRY: Well, we've raided the mess hall, the video arcade, and the yoga gym and STILL no booze!
BENDER: Then we go straight to the well! A place that'll have all the pure stuff- Ether, Chloroform, Formaldehyde. Now here's the plan...
ROBOT NURSE: We just lost the entire1019th division of Rock 'em Sock 'em Soldiers! Haw many hard drives have to crash before they realize this war is meaningless?
FRY: HELP! HE'S BEEN SHOT!
BENDER: (holding his chest as it leaks a red fluid) Those maggot munchers ambushed me!
ROBOT NURSE: Not another one! Let's see the wound! (Looks inside Bender's chest) It's just a transmission fluid leak. Nothing a little tube tightening can't fix...
Bender then zaps the nurse and the soldier with a ray from inside his chest cabinet, knocking them both out.
BENDER: (high fives Fry, knocking him out with the ray too) ALL RIGHT! Time for Phase 2 of Operation: Booze Or Loose!
FRY: Let's do Iiiiiii.... (Fry collapses unconscious)
BENDER: Great idea, Fry! You guard these two jerks while I find the booze!
A Moment Later...
Bender is disguised as a nurse and is sneaking into the hospital tent.
BENDER: (whispering) I'll just make my way towards the medicine cabinet and...
DOOP MEDIC: (coming up to Bender, and handing him a photo and a wallet) Nurse! Take these soldier's possessions and send them to his family. He won't make it through the night.
BENDER: (looking at the cash in the wallet) EH? Dum-de-da-da-dee... (slides up next to a convalescing soldier. He has a large gold tooth and gold watch.
CONVALESCING SOLDIER: HEY! What are you doing!?
BENDER: I have to get the personal effects of the deceased to their loved ones!
CONVALESCING SOLDIER: But, I'm NOT DEAD!
BENDER: Orders are order! Now open that mouth, goldie!
Cut to the river...
KIF: What is it about a man that makes him loose his mind in the middle of a jungle? That makes him feel as if he belongs among the savages, the heat, the death... What happened to you, Zapp Brannigan?
LEELA: What are you talking about? He took off his helmet and breathed the air! He went nuts!
KIF: Oh, yes, um, just thinking aloud. Let's go over the plan one more time.
Kif holds up a 'plan'- actually a crudely drawn cartoon in four pictures: 1- Leela sneaks up behind Zapp. 2- Leela is holding a grenade above Zapp. 3- 'BOOM! 4- Kif and Leela are both happy, with their arms on each other's shoulders.
LEELA: Wait, I thought you wanted me to try to seduce Zapp!
KIF: Leela, it's not too late to turn back. We could say we found his bones... that he was eaten by the savages! Since Zapp disappeared, I never knew life could be so glorious! To think on my own... to only have to wash MY private body parts... I almost remember what pride means!
LEELA: Normally, I'd agree with you, but the fate of the DOOP army, and perhaps, the Human Race, depends on us finding Zapp and bringing him home. Besides, my co-workers will kill me if they don't get their 'generous bonuses'.
KIF: Yes, the best twenty dollars the DOOP has ever spent. (looks ahead of the boat) Holy Moley...
LEELA: (looking down at the boat's controls) Look! The coordinatron is beeping! We must be close!
The boat comes to a stop in front of a set of stairs, where at the top, Zapp is sitting in a wheelchair. He is in front of a huge bust of himself. He is also surrounded by purple aliens that look like purple men from the waist up, and cockroaches from the waist down.
ZAPP: Welcome to my Kingdom! Well, well, well. The sexilicious Leela. You're looking exceptionally sexsational.
LEELA: (looking at Zapp's humongous gut) And you're looking exceptionally bloated!
ZAPP: In all the right places, baby! (goes to kiss Leela's hand. A native stops him)
CONRAD: Hey, you know what I said about human contact, man. You don't kiss her hand, her hand kisses you!
ZAPP: Oh, right, that whole 'Earthlings are the oozing whiteheads on the face of the universe' thing. I forgot. You know what the sight of child-bearing hips does to me.
KIF: Sir, who is this?
ZAPP: Kif, former friend of friends, this is my new friend of friends, Conrad. He's one of those filthy Da Nang savages and my new right-hand man. He's the one that made me realize my birthright to the crown here on Da Nang 4.
LEELA: 'Birthright'? You're HUMAN!
ZAPP: Like the rest, you see only what you want. You poor, disillusioned filly!
CONRAD: (holding Leela, and looking at Kif) we have the woman now. We don't need the green weirdo.
KIF: But we... I just... you can't...
LEELA: Wait! A Queen needs a servant! Kif has been a loyal comrade to me, and I want him to continue to serve in that capacity!
CONRAD: You don't have servants, man. Servants have you!
LEELA: (dramatically turns back on Zapp) There'll be NO SEX if you refuse, Zapp.
ZAPP: All right, Kif stays. But only if you promise not to make him feel like an equal, or compliment him, or anything like that. Now, let us dine. It's been a good twenty minutes since my last meal.
CONRAD: (turns to Kif) You don't fool me man. I fool you!
A dinner party is taking place.
ZAPP: So, Leela, how do you like your Royal Wardrobe?
LEELA: (wearing what looks like a brown burlap sack) Well, it's itchy, heavy, and makes my butt look huge. (then holds up a coconut bra, some small vines and two leaves. It has flies buzzing around it.) But considering the alternative...
ZAPP: That outfit's direct from the runways of Paris. Christy Turlington's head wore that same ensemble to the Oscars. But enough talk about clothes. You'll be out of yours soon enough. (has food brought before him) Mmmm... something smells dee-lish!
LEELA: What are we having?
ZAPP: crème De Hermaflamingo. They're native to these parts, and with a little pepper and a cast iron stomach... mmm-mmm!
ZAPP: Try some! I hear Hermaflamingo eardrum is a bonafide aphrodisiac.
LEELA: (looking at the soup that has a leg and eyeballs in it) Uh, I'll think I'll just wait for dessert!
KIF: (getting visibly ill) I think I'm going to be sick!
CONRAD: You don't get to be sick! Sick gets to be you!
KIF: (runs off covering his mouth) – HUUUUEW! -
ZAPP: (getting spoon fed a leg with the webbed foot still attached) Mmglumph...
A little while later...
ZAPP: Wow, I can't eat another bite. So... when's dessert?
CONRAD: Dessert just had you, man!
ZAPP: Ooh. When's breakfast?
KIF: (whispering to Leela) If we can't kill Zapp, how about ourselves?
ZAPP: Well, I can't very well have my Queen tickling my tonsils with this grub on my mug. Wipe down, please.
KIF: (forgetting he is no longer Zapp's servant) Oh, sorry. Just so used to the command, I guess...
CONRAD: (wiping Zapp's face) You don't wipe the mouth. The mouth wipes you! (to Zapp) Time for your 'nightly treatment', man.
LEELA: treatment? What's that?
ZAPP: Oh, just a little something to take the edge off ruling this vast kingdom. (starts getting pushed away in his wheelchair) I'll meet you in the hut, my sweet!
CONRAD: (struggling to push Zapp's fat ass up a hill) -Ennnh- , man! -Ennnhhh!-
KIF: 'New right hand man'... Phht! Who was there when Zapp contracted psoriasis on his third degree sunburn and needed salt sponge baths every night for a month? Not that hippie, I'll tell you that!
LEELA: Something's rotten, Kif, and it's not just Fat Boy's breath. I'm going to find out what's going on here, even if it means doing the unthinkable act of... of... EUUUUHH!
KIF: God speed.
Back at the camp...
Fry is coming to.
FRY: Ouch! Bender, for the last time, that is NOT a data-port... (wakes up hearing a noise coming towards him from the jungle) Whuh?- Whozat?
NATIVE TRAITOR: AHHHHH!
FRY: Don't eat me!
NATIVE TRAITOR: (clinging to Fry) Please help!
FRY: Who are you?
NATIVE TRAITOR: I'm a member of the Charlie tribe, and I need to get as far away from Zapp Brannigan as possible!
FRY: Zapp Brannigan!? I thought your tribe wanted him as it's leader!
NATIVE TRAITOR: NEVER! He thinks he's the King of our tribe, but we're only using him for a sneak attack on the DOOP! I tell you this because I'll shoot myself if I have to serve his pup-tent wearing butt another minute!
BENDER: (comes running out of the hospital tent) Fry, let me help this poor, wounded, hopefully wealthy soldier!
FRY: He's part of Zapp's tribe!
BENDER: Got any money?
NATIVE TRAITOR: No.
BENDER: Too bad. I have to go do less important things now...
FRY: Wait, Bender! The DOOP's being set up! They need our help!
BENDER: (now drinking stolen medical supplies) Wow, really? Let me think... nope. Not interested. I'm going back to the ship to refuel my cells. Buy YOU have a good time with that 'risking your life' thing.
FRY: As usual, it's up to ME to save the universe. Take me to your leader!
A little later...
Leela is lying naked in a bed next to a huge glass bubble. She is able to breathe with an air purifier in the room.
LEELA: Come on Leela, it's no worse than going to the dentist at the DMV with a hangover to pay your taxes... (trying sound and look sexy) Oooooh Zaaaapp! I'm reeeeady!
ZAPP: (comes in on his wheelchair) Here I come, my Queen! It's time for some serious... (goes into the bubble and it seals behind him) SLEEP!
LEELA: I thought we were going to, you know...
ZAPP: Not tonight, honey. I feel fat.
LEELA: You ARE fat. What the hell are you doing in there, anyway? Why don't you -gulp- sleep with me?
ZAPP: Love to, but this is part of the 'treatment'. Maybe you could just dance naked and rub yourself against the glass. But before you start, fetch me some chili peppers and lemon squares, will ya? I've got a serious craving!
LEELA: Zapp, you're acting just like a pregnant woman!
CONRAD: (comes into the hut) Time for the LAST treatment, your Highness!
LEELA: But it's the middle of the night!
ZAPP: I'll be back my love! Oh, and grab some baloney with that other stuff! And fried rice! And cherries!
LEELA: (watches them leave, and reaches for her suit) All right. Tine to find out what this 'treatment' is all about!
KIF: (outside a native's hut. He has a flower in his hand) 'He abuses me, he abuses me not...' Oh, what's the use? Maybe I'm just a sub-par subservient who can't let go...
FRY: (w/ the traitor, running up to Kif) Kif!
KIF: Fry? What are you doing here?
FRY: Zapp's life is in danger! We have to find him!
KIF: Danger? What do you mean?
Leela is peeking in a window of the hut where Zapp was taken.
LEELA: Now we'll see what this is all about...
DOCTOR: (to Conrad) The spawn are ready. One hour to go...
ZAPP: So it's still just built up gas, right? LEELA!?
LEELA: (jumping through the window) Zapp, there's something horrible growing inside you!
ZAPP: Yeah, three-bean salad with ranch dressing, and it's got fangs, baby.
LEELA: It's not Gas, you idiot! It's BUGS!
ZAPP: BUGS!? But from who? Where?
LEELA: All right, you tongue-twisting cockroach! What have you done to him?
CONRAD: It's a surprise for the DOOP, man! It's a trap within a booby! An up in the set! A down in the shake!
LEELA; SPEAK ENGLISH!
DOCTOR: Allow me to explain. What Conrad's trying to say is that we planted our spawn inside of Zapp, so that we could send him back to the DOOP camp just when they're ready to be born. The newborn troops will swarm and defeat the unwitting DOOP soldiers. An inside job, if you will.
ZAPP: So it's NOT the three-bean salad?
DOCTOR: And now you know too much, so you must be dealt with accordingly. (guards come in to take them away)
CONRAD: You don't get to taste death,death gets to taste you!
LEELA & ZAPP: SHUT UP!
FRY: How 'bout the enemy JUST COMES TO YOU? (Holding a laser pistol) NOBODY'S birthin' no bugs tonight! Now drop your weapons and back away from the fat man!
KIF: (pointing a finger in Conrad's face) And you- you're a shame to every lackey, stoolie, and toady that ever assumed the position!
LEELA: (Struggling to push Zapp to safety) -Nnngh!- -Nnnngggh!-
FRY: Come on, Kif! We've gotta get Zapp back to Earth!
KIF: (throwing punches- none landing) TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND ONE OF THESE!
ZAPP: But I don't wanna! THIS is my home!
FRY: What are you talking about? You're human!
ZAPP: And you've never been a mother, so you wouldn't understand!
KIF: Sir, I'm the only family you need! Let's roll! (starts to help Leela push Zapp toward the top of a hill) -Whhgggnnn!-
FRY: Uhh, any day now!
LEELA: (cresting the top of the hill) everyone hop on... (the wheelchair starts to roll downhill) It's time to get back the Zapp we all know and hate!
CONRAD: AFTRER THEM! We must keep them in the DOOP camp long enough for the spawn to hatch!
FRY: (riding on the chair's arm) WEEEE-HAAA!
LEELA: (hanging on the back) YEAH! (they are now being fired on by the natives, who are following in a hover-car) We've got to hurry! Zapp could give birth any minute now!
ZAPP: Ohh, this bumpy terrain! I think my water just broke!
KIF: (on Zapp's lap) Sir, your body doesn't have the equipment for that!
ZAPP: Hmm... sure doesn't feel like water running down my leg either... (they come crashing into the DOOP camp)
BENDER: Sweet, sweet loot... Hey, what the...!?
CONRAD: (close behind) GET THEM!
FRY: We made it!
LEELA: Bender, fire up the engines! We're going home!
CONRAD: (looks around at the soldiers) UH, OH...
DOOP SOLDIER: It's 'Charlie'! ATTAAAACK!
ZAPP: (being pushed into the Planet Express ship) Kif, I never thought I'd ask anyone this, but... would you be my mid-wife?
LEELA & FRY: (trying to push Zapp up the steps into the ship) -Enngh!- -Ugghh!- (everyone is now on the bridge)
BENDER: (sitting at the controls) Hold onto your garter belts! (the ship takes off)
NATIVE TRAITOR: (now fighting alongside DOOP soldiers) Thank yooooou!
52 Minutes Later...
Outside Planet Express, NNY.
SCRUFFY: And one more push! Come on! You can do it! Push!! (cut to inside Planet Express. Scruffy has a mop in his hand. A large fish tank has the babies swimming around in it. Zapp is on an operating table.) Scruffy says this floor's clean enough to eat off of! No more pushin'!
ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! We can eat off the floor! Now only if I could find some food...
KIF: Zapp's waking up!
ZAPP: Wha-? Leela? Is that really your round-in-the-right-places figure I'm seeing? What happened? Where am I?
KIF: Sir, You're at Planet Express, on Earth, and you're alive!
ZAPP: Kif, what have you got me into this time? And why do I feel like that Lobster Doctor looks?
KIF: You were about to become a mother, Sir. Dr. Zoidberg operated and removed the 'babies' from your stomach. It's a long story...
ZOIDBERG: Awww. Why all the time cracks about Zoidberg?
ZAPP: Well, Leela, I'm sure seeing me in my maternal state made me all the more irresistible... why don't we make the most of this sissified sensitivity by having some parental advisory sexcapades!
LEELA: I'd rather eat bugs.
BENDER: (wearing a chef's hat, leaning over the 'babies' in the fish tank) Bug Buffet, comin' up!
ZAPP: whatever all of you did for me, thank you. But there are soldiers who HAVEN'T died yet on that infernal Da Nang 4, correct?
GLAB:Affirmative, Captain, Brannigan!
ZAPP: Then it's back to the front lines, Kif. I'm not abandoning my command until EVERY MAN comes home... in a body bag!
KIF: Sir, if I could, I would like to add one thing... -SIGH-
LEELA: Well said.
AMY: (in a caption bubble) That's the end, guh!