WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF TOMORROW!
FRY: Cryogenically-frozen 20th Century Pizza Delivery Boy, Thawed out in the year 3000!
BENDER: Cigar-smoking, Booze-powered Bending Robot!
LEELA: Cyclops Space Captain and Martial Arts Expert!
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Crackpot Inventor and Owner of Planet Express delivery Service!
HERMES CONRAD: Anal-retentive Planet Express Bureaucrat!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Poverty-stricken Staff Physician!
AMY WONG: Planet Express Intern from Mars University!
Scene- The Planet Express Basement- the Professor has the crew with him, and they all have shovels.
FRY: Wow. So this is the Planet Express Basement!
BENDER:What the hell are we doing down here, anyway? And what's with the grave robbing equipment?
FRY: Yeah. I thought our job was Interplanetary deliveries.
PROFESSOR: I have a special task for the three of you today. One that requires your expertise, your ingenuity, and your lack of ethics!
FRY: WOO! Who needs ethics? NOT US!
BENDER: Never had 'em, never will!
LEELA: We're boned.
BENDER: (now standing next to a billiards table, putting a cue together) So, what's the job, wrinkly? You want me to hustle these chumps for all they got and split the winnings?
PROFESSOR: Goodness, no! There's time for fun later! But first, I need you three to dig a giant hole in the floor.
LEELA: Are you putting in a pool?
FRY: A hot tub?
BENDER: A women's nude mud-wrestling pit?
PROFESSOR: No, no, no! Actually, the hole is going to be used for a new experiment of mine... to hide the Galactic Terminatrix 3000 from the police! It seems when I was testing it out last night I blew up one of Saturn's moons!
BENDER: Eh, that planet had too many moons to begin with!
PROFESSOR: Damn straight! So unless you all want to be considered accessories to the crime, you'd better start digging!
LEELA: Wait! Won't we be considered accessories if we DO help you hide the...
PROFESSOR: Off you go!
LEELA: Well, we'd better start earning our pay.
BENDER: What's this 'pay' you speak of?
FRY: But how are we supposed to dig a hole in a cement floor?
LEELA: The old fashioned way! (Leela clicks a switch on the shovel.) First, we need to crack the cement to get the hole started! (points the shovel at a red 'X' on the floor- 'KA-ZAAP!') There! Just like they used to do it in the 2900's. Now, the hard part...
Leela hits another button on the shovel's handle, and the simple shovel not only has a lazer beam to crack the cement, but is now a mechanical digging machine. Everyone gathers around the hole and 'digs'
FRY: Ahh! Now THIS is work!
FRY: I can't take it any more! This is too hard!
LEELA: Fry, your shovel's been shoveling for less than a minute!
FRY: Yeah, well, there must be something different about the dirt in the future, like it's made out of steel or plexiglas or something! What have you done to my precious soil?
BENDER: Pick up the pace, Fry, or I'm going to be here all day!
FRY: But you're not even digging!
LEELA: Yeah, Bender. Why aren't you helping?
BENDER: Because I'm a BENDING unit. Last time I checked, you can't bend dirt. 'Sides, if anyone from the Digging Union caught me digging, I'd be kicked out. Those guys have strong ties to the Robot Mafia!
LEELA: You've hit something!
FRY: Hey, it's a Partridge Family Lunch box!
BENDER: Oooh! I got dibs! Gimme!
A few moments later...
The entire crew is gathered around the meeting table.
AMY: What do you think could be in there?
PROFESSOR: Perhaps the answer to the meaning of life!
HERMES: Maybe the secret ingredients of White-Out!
BENDER: Pirate's booty!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Or maybe best of all... FOOD!
BENDER: Think again, you poverty-stricken prawn! Whatever gold or porn or illegal substances we find in her goes to the man who found the lunch box in the first place!
FRY: Aw, Thanks, Bend...
BENDER: (Whispering to Fry) You go along with the story- whatever smut there is, I'll split it with you 70 – 30.
LEELA: The lunch box should be opened by the Professor! We found it on his property! (grabs the lunch box from Bender and hands it to the Professor)
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Leela... what am I doing with this again?
HERMES: Open it and see what's inside, For Jah's sakes.
PROFESSOR: Ooh, yess, right, of course. Well, here we go... GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!
BENDER: Is it gold? I KNEW it was gold!
PROFESSOR: No, no, it's just a bunch or archaic crap from the 20th century!
LEELA: How is that good news?
PROFESSOR: It means I can stop being bothered by all of you!
FRY: (looking at the things on the table- 'fun-doh' a Bee Gee's 8-track, a Valley of The Dolls video-Beta, 'sugar-aid' packets, View-finder slides, a rolling stones tongue sticker, a comic book, a newspaper, and an old 'peace' medallion like Fry wore as Captain Yesterday) WOW! Look at all this cool stuff! Some dog must've buried this lunch box back in the 20th century!
PROFESSOR: It's a time capsule, you idiot!
FRY: That note you're holding could've been written by a super intelligent dog, like McGruff, or Hong Kong Phooey.
AMY: What does it say, Professor?
PROFESSOR: “What's happenin', beings of tomorrow? You groovy foxes have just dug up our time capsule from the year 1979... and now that it's dug, I know you're digging it”.
DR> ZOIDBERG: Ho, ho, ho... I get it. It's a pun! Very funny...
PROFESSOR: “Our hope is that this little piece of our out-of-sight decade gives you jet-pack-wearin', flying car drivin', 4-course-meal-in-a-pellet-eating' Futurinos a taste of what it was like to be a swingin' dude back in the day. Catch you on the flip side, man” “P.S.- LAROUCHE FOR PRESIDENT IN 80”
LEELA: So, it's all a bunch of junk from Fry's time?
PROFESSOR: It appears so.
FRY: What are you talking about? This “junk” can give you a lot of insight into what influenced the 20th century man!
AMY: Why would we want to do that?
FRY: Because without us, you guys wouldn't be standing here right now!
BENDER: Except me. I'm a robot.
LEELA: Me too, I'm an alien.
DR. ZOIDBERG: I ride that train, also.
FRY: What makes the 30th century so special? Sure I get to fly in a spaceship and I talk to aliens on a daily basis and my best friend's a robot... big deal!
BENDER: Hey, who's this ROBOT you're so buddy-buddy with all of a sudden!?
FRY: If you don't care about stuff from my time, I'll just keep it all to myself.
Everyone starts to leave.
AMY: Fine by me.
PROFESSOR: Off we go!
BENDER: Sorry, Buddy, I'm sure I'd be a lot more interested if any of this stuff was worth stealing from you.
FRY: (now standing alone) Does anybody have an eight-track cassette player and a Beta VCR I can borrow?
Fry is seen in the lounge, on the couch, surrounded by his 20th century stuff. A ring of sugar-aid is on his face, he's sculpted a Homer Simpson bust out of the fun doh, and he's looking at the comic.
FRY: Who needs those guys and their futuristic... future? I've got my own little magic carpet ride thanks to Davey Jones and the Partridge Family. Now let's see where Space Boy's Adventures take us to today. My guess... Space! (Fry goes to open the comic, and as he does so, it disintegrates) Hey! I don't remember comic books having all these words! What's the big idea? It's just supposed to be pictures of explosions and space heroes and the hot alien babes who love them! (keeps flipping through the pages as they crumble away) Aw, man,,, MORE WRITING! I'll just flip to the end... OH... MY... GOSH!... SEA MONKEYS! “own a bowl full of happiness... instant pets!”
BENDER: Hey, you're still here! I thought you woulda found yourself a suicide booth by now!
FRY: Bender, look... SEA MONKEYS! I always wanted to own these as a kid, but since I didn't learn my address until I was fifteen, I could never send away for them.
BENDER: Why don't you get some now? Maybe the offer's still valid.
FRY: You think? Look... the address is here in New New York! Let's go!
BENDER: Wait. We need a buck.
DR.ZOIDBERG: Friends, I found one of your currency papers in the laundry this morning. I was going to use if for a hot meal, unless it belongs to one of you.
FRY and BENDER: Heeheeheeheeheehee...
DR. ZOIDBERG: Ho, ho, ho... I'm laughing with friends!
Outside 'Shifty's true Wonders of the 20th Century Emporium (formerly Scammie's barn of beguiling 20th century junk)
LEELA: Fry, are you sure this is the place?
FRY: They couldn't advertise in comic books if they weren't legit, right?
LEELA: (as they enter the store) Well, I'll keep an eye on you just in case. Remember when you tried to sell your kidneys for salsa last week?
BENDER: He shoulda done it! I was offering below market value!
SAL: Can I helps youse?
FRY: Yes, sir! I'll take three of your best sea monkeys!
SAL: Hmm, I'll sees if we got those in stock... Ronnie! (He calls over a robot worker /cash register)
RONNIE: Yes sir, Mr. Sal!
SAL: Whiles you're waitin', feel frees to browse arounds.
RONNIE: here you go, sir! I found your sea monkeys underneath an unopened box marked Action Comics #1- 100 count. It's only $10.95 if you're interest...
FRY: No thanks. Now we'll see a sample of 20th century ingenuity!
SAL: Just lets me rings you up... Ronnie!
RONNIE: (scans the sea monkeys) 'dee-da leet!' (shows “$1” displayed on his chest)
SAL: One Dollars, please.
LEELA: wait a second... sea monkeys, x-ray glasses, miracle diet kits... Fry, this all seems very fishy.
FRY: Why are you always trying to put down stuff from my time, Leela?
LEELA: I just don't want to see you ripped off...
SAL: Usually those in the most needs for the miracle diet kit is the most skepticals.
LEELA: what's THAT supposed to mean?
SAL: Infers what you wills.
LEELA: Just look at this stuff... 'Automatic Muscle Inflator”? It's all a big scam.
BENDER: (Wearing x-ray glasses) Oh my God! Leela... you're wearing a BRA!
LEELA: I ALWAYS wear a bra! That doesn't prove that this crap works.
BENDER: Wait... the fat guy isn't wearing any deodorant!
SAL: (Sniffing his armpit) Yeah, but youse don't needs x-ray glasses to know that.
BENDER: All right then... SWEET BABY JAMES! Fry's wearing LADIES UNDERPANTS!
LEELA: Yeah, right. Nice try Bender. You see, Fry?
FRY: (looking worried) Uhh, can we go now?
Later- at Planet Express...
FRY: Get ready for the most amazing thing you've ever seen!
AMY: More amazing than humans living on Mars?
PROFESSOR: More amazing than heads of once dead celebrities living in jars of liquid?
DR. ZOIDBERG: More amazing than eating more than one meal a week!?
FRY: Friends, I give you... SEA MONKEYS!
PROFESSOR: Besides floating around dead in the water, what do they do?
HERMES: You interrupted my paper-clip counting for this? (Hermes and the Professor walk off)
FRY: But... but... they're supposed to be frolicsome! And full of tricks! A bowlful of happiness!
DR. ZOIDBERG: There, there, Fry! That's what my parents thought I would be, too, but sometimes fate has a different plan!
LEELA: I'm sorry, Fry...
FRY: No you're not! You're glad my 20th century pets are dead because it proves how right you are! Why don't you take your future and shove it! (walks through the Professor's lab) It's not fair! All I ask for is one lousy example to show how cool the 20th century was, and even that doesn't go right!
PROFESSOR: But we already have an example of how “cool” the 20th century was... YOU!
FRY: You really mean that, Professor?
PROFESSOR: Does it make you feel better?
FRY: A little...
PROFESSOR: Then that's all that matters, isn't it? Now let's get rid of those sea monkeys, eh?
FRY: I guess. Should we flush them?
PROFESSOR: Oh my no. That could be dangerous! Instead we'll just dump them in this waste container!
FRY: Good riddance! (Fry dumps them into a drum labeled: GAMMA RADIATION NO ANIMAL MATTER)
The Next Morning...
Scene- Planet Express kitchen.
LEELA: Fry, I want you to know I really am sorry that things didn't work out with your sea monkeys!
FRY: Well, I'm sorry that I was such a jerk! I just wanted to impress you with something from my time- something that meant a lot to me.
BENDER: And what about MY feelings?
FRY: Was I a jerk to you too, Bender?
BENDER: Nah, I just wanted to let you know that you're an idiot and Leela's a sappy know-it-all! There... now I've expressed MY feelings too! HAHAHAHA!
AMY: You guys! Come quick! You gotta see this!
Everyone runs to the conference room
LEELA: Oh my God!
BENDER: How did it happen?
AMY: It's science gone awry!
FRY: I've never seen anything so amazing!
HERMES: That's right... I built a castle of TIME CARDS!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Friends, I have something even more amazing to show you! (Zoidberg knocks over Hermes' time card castle) Fry's sea monkeys! THEYR'E ALIVE!!!
HERMES: My sweet castle!
FRY: My sea monkeys! All right!
LEELA: But how did they get so big?
PROFESSOR: The gamma radiation in the waste container must have mutated their tissue and blood cells!
FRY: How did you find them, Dr. Zoidberg?
DR. ZOIDBERG: Well, the Professor asked me to take out the garbage, so there I was rooting through it one last time for leftovers, and Viola! I found my new friends!
FRY: Now I can show you guys how cool things from the 20th century can be!
BENDER: Eh, somebody wake me when Fry's done being boring.
LEELA: I don't mean to be a party pooper...
AMY: Yes you do!
LEELA: But aren't these sea monkeys a lot bigger than before?
FRY: (looking at the ever growing sea monkeys now outgrowing and climbing out of their fish bowl) So they're going through a little growth spurt. Big deal! Besides, a little gamma radiation never hurt anyone, right, Professor?
PROFESSOR: (in a radiation suit) Uh, not to YOUR knowledge, no. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bathe in chlorine. For no specific reason, mind you.
A little later...
Fry is seen standing on a chair over a large fish tank feeding his sea monkeys bananas.
FRY: You guys'll make great pets! Now this is how you eat. Mmmmm bananas...
DR. ZOIDBERG: Ohhh, so hungry... I never got a collar...
FRY: (now putting collars with tags on them) This is in case you get lost!
Fry now has to put his ever-growing pets into a pool on the Planet Express deck.
FRY: You lil' monkeys have had a big day. You can sleep in this kiddie pool.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Could I? Please?
FRY: Oh, all right.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Yay! A pajama party with my new friends! (jumps in the pool with them)
FRY: You kids be good. I'll see you in the morning.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Good night, Fry. (To the sea monkeys, who have already outgrown the pool) So, who wants to tell scary stories?
The next Morning...
DR. ZOIDBERG: Yawn... Wha..? Morning already? AHHHH! (he looks in the pool to see the sea monkeys gone) Oh no! A dingo attack! Just like in that movie! Boo, hoo, hoo... whuh? (looks up to see the sea monkeys now towering over the Planet Express building and New New York) Ah, THERE you are! So, how did everyone sleep?
The sea monkeys are seen destroying the city. Running for their lives, we see Randy, Mom, Walt and Inger, Godzilla, King Kong, Horrible Gelatinous Blob, Preacher-bot, a wormulon, and others. Linda is reporting live from the scene.
LINDA: As you can see behind me, these mysterious giant sea creatures are terrorizing New New York, giving new meaning to the term “jumbo shrimp”. (now seen on the T.V. In the Planet Express Lounge) And at this point, Morbo, we'd all be happy to see these monsters on a giant platter with a baked potato and cole slaw!
MORBO: Morbo would prefer his with fries, but since that seems unlikely, Morbo will settle for the next best thing- THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE!
LINDA: Ha ha ha ha!
BENDER: Way to go, bloodbag! Your new little pals are wreckin' up the city!
FRY: Oh no! Professor, what are we gonna do?
PROFESSOR: Don't worry. We, by which I mean “YOU,” can use this incredibly powerful de-radiation gun!
LEELA: Has it been tested?
PROFESSOR: Oh my, no! THAT would be RISKY!
LEELA: (grabs the gun) Come on- there's no time to lose!
DR.ZOIDBERG: NO! I won't let you harm my new best friends!
FRY: But they're eating the city, Zoidberg!
DR. ZOIDBERG: So, they're hungry! You're going to judge them for acting on instinct?
BENDER: (shoves Zoidberg aside) Go bury yourself in the sand, Doc Lobster. We got shrimp to barbie!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Fine! Then I'm going on a hunger strike to protest your barbaric ways!
BENDER: I thought only people who ate on a regular basis could go on a hunger strike! Hahahahaha!!
A few moments later...
The Planet express ship is seen flying toward the three sea monkeys.
LEELA: Leela to Fry- prepare to fire on my command!
BENDER: Make hush out of those puppies, Pal!
FRY: Monkey sea, monkey die! Hyuk hyuk!
LEELA: Ready... aim... FIRE!!!
FRY: (pulls the trigger- nothing happens) Nothing happened!
Leela tries to pull away for another pass, but gets caught in one of their claws.
LEELA: Fry, what's wrong?
BENDER: Pull the trigger harder!
FRY: I can't- someone left the safety on!
LEELA: Bender, I thought I told you to turn it off!
BENDER: I don't know anything about guns! Who do I look like? Charlton Heston's head?
LEELA: Time for evasive action! (Leela pulls an Eject ring, and the three of them get ejected out of the ship.
LEELA/ BENDER/ FRY: AHHHHHH!
BENDER: (sitting in his ejection seat, lighting a cigar) Now THIS is what I call fleeing for our lives... Uh, oh. (Looks up to see his parachute never fully opened) OHHHHH LORDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY......
FRY: (gets caught in mid air by one of the creatures) Ahh! Leela- help!
BENDER: (bouncing off the pavement in the alley next to Planet Express) Oof! Man, pain sucks!
DR. ZOIDBERG: (digging in the garbage) Bender! I'm not breaking my hunger strike, if that's what you're thinking!
BENDER: Cram it, Crabby! I have to save my best friend from becoming a drive by hors'-d'oeurve!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Oh, the story of my life!
BENDER: (grabbing something from Zoidberg's arms) Wait a second- what's that?
DR. ZOIDBERG: If it's food I'm SO not interested!
BENDER: NO, the Sea Monkeys ad... Look at this!
BENDER: (Looking at the ad which reads: 100% satisfaction guaranteed or we'll take the shrimp back and refund your money!) Time to save the day, Zoidberg!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Hooray! I'm saving the day with friends!
Fry is being held in a pair of pincers, trying not to be eaten.
FRY: You don't want me! I'm turf, not surf!
LEELA: Hang in there, Fry!
DR. ZOIDBERG: (talking on a phone coming out from inside Bender) Hello, “Shifty's True Wonder Emporium”? Shifty, please. This is he? Well, hello Shifty... SAY, how does one get a name like “Shifty”?
BENDER: Get to the freakin' point, Zoidberg!
LEELA: Don't worry, Fry! There's a money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied!
FRY: (still trying not to be eaten) Well, I wouldn't say I'm UN-satisfied...
BENDER: Either you live to have me kill you for even thinking twice about this or you die right now, Fry!
FRY: All right...
DR. ZOIDBERG: We recently purchased some sea monkeys and aren't 100% satisfied, so we'd like a refund. Plus there's the matter of taking the animals back...
SAL: (picking his belly-button) We aims to please. Just brings in the defective pets.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Uh, I think you'll need to make a house call...
A minute later...
Sal arrives as we see Fry being sucked on by one of the sea monkeys.
SAL: Aw, geez. I can't hauls these shrimps away! Didn't youse read the directions about keeping them away from gamma radiation?
LEELA: Uh, we must've missed that part.
SAL: Luckilys, I always comes prepared... (Sal has a syringe in his hand that fires a beam at the sea monkey) A little dabs'll do 'em... (the beam hits the sea monkey with a 'KAZZZZZZZAK' and it falls down to earth from the tops of a building)
FRY: (in the sea monkey's mouth) Thank yooooooooou!
Fry and the now dead sea monkey land with a huge thud.
LEELA: Fry, are you okay?
FRY: Yeah, thankfully I was under the shrimp's tongue- it made for a soft landing!
SAL: Here's your dollar backs.
DR.ZOIDBERG: Oh boy!
BENDER: Uh, you owe me ten bucks in long distance charges, Doc.
DR. ZOIDBERG: But I only have this one.
BENDER: Consider it a down payment.
SAL: Thanks for your business! Now if you'll excuse me, I gots to break the spirits of two more shrimps!
BENDER: Well, looks like ol' Bender saved another day!
FRY: let's celebrate! Who's in the mood for seafood?
The Planet express ship is parked outside City Hall.
MAYOR POOPENMEYER: I want to thank you for saving our fair city, Professor Farnsworth, and as a token of our esteem, here's the bill for what it will cost to clean the shrimp carcasses off our streets and dispose of them!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?!? But why are WE getting billed?
MAYOR POOPENMEYER: We checked with animal control and the shrimp were registered to the Planet Express address!
HERMES: Sweet prawn of Tehran, Fry! Why did you put our address on their tags?
FRY: You never know... they might've gotten lost!
HERMES: Well, that's it for Planet Express. We'll have to file for Bankruptcy!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Either that, or dig a bigger hole in the basement.
LEELA: Hold on! I think I just might know how to solve our problems...
Cut to... Zoidberg. He is in Elzar's
DR. ZOIDBERG: You mean it's all for ME?!?
(UNKNOWN): Dig in, my chitiny chum!
LEELA: What about your hunger strike, Dr. Zoidberg? Where's your conviction?
DR. ZOIDBERG: Humbug to that! Must eat! (Zoidberg starts chowing down on the cooked sea monkeys) Rafalavhems Leupglom....
AMY: (whispering) Hey, isn't this kind of like cannibalism for Zoidberg's species?
BENDER: (whispering) Cram a sock in it! At least he's not talking to us for once!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Another job well done!
DR.ZOIDBERG: When Zoidberg eats, everybody wins!