Ask Dr. Zoidberg #6

Ask Dr. Zoidberg #6


Doctor Zoidberg here, with another selection of questions and answers. You won't get quality answers like these just anywhere, after all.

Adam asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

What ever happened to your Uncle Zoid. Is he a big star again?

Last time I checked, he was still in his retired acting home, he was. He hasn't been a big star since his last Harold Zoid production, "The Little Decapod"

PJ Bowman asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Hey Dr Z i am a huge fan of futurama and i fan of you. I notice in Bendin' in the Wind, you can cough up and make pearls. i have 2 questions my first one is

1. If you can make pearls why are you still poor? if you can make pearls and sell them you could be rich.

2. what is it like working with the amazonian women?

Firstly, I'm poor because ever since Decapodians came to Earth, our pearls aren't actually worth much because they're so common now. You saw how many of those things I coughed up, after all. The only reason they were appealing to the humans was because everywhere we went they seemed to be on some kind of mild anaesthetic or something.

Secondly, I've never directly worked with any of the Amazonians myself. Ever since Fry and the robot went there the first time, Hermes keeps insisting that I go to planet Amazonia for some reason.

Cyrus asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Have you ever had a date, possibly with food?

Well, there was that time my friends and I went to The Hip Joint and I ended up dating a tasty little lobster. We went back to my home, aka the dumpster behind Planet Express, and when I kissed her I accidentally ended up eating her instead. Does that count?

Dan Dellacecca asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

If I wanted to take over a planet, say...oh, I dunno, Decopod 10, how would I go about doing said?

Also, can you send me a prescription for my Electro-gonorrhea?

I'd suggest a giant heat ray and some butter cannons. Aerial hot-water bombing would work well too. This is purely hypothetical, right?

As for the prescription, I'll need some details. Your name, address and cause will do. In the case of the latter, was it caused by Fembot, Manbot, Hermaphrobot, Computer, or Microsoft XBox 360? If it's the latter, I'm afraid you're wasting your time. Eventually you'll see a red ring and your genitals will simply drop off.

James Anderson says:


I'll give you a feast that will last you a lifetime.

Hooray! Although, that's not really a question. Still... Hooray!

Clare Walker asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I was just wondering, do you and Hermes really hate eachother? What about the "just friends spooning"? Did that really happen or were you joking? Thanks for your time.

That's a private matter between me and Hermes, it is. I'd personally be willing to tell you, but I'd better check with Hermes first.


He said, "Go away, ya fat lobsta'" when I asked, so I guess I can't tell you that we really did spoon together while camping after all. Sorry.

António Vieira Branco asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

If you own 51 percent of Planet Express how come you dont get payed??

Because Hermes does all the paperwork and he hates me!

Sandra and Michael ask:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I have a few questions:

1) Do you know when the third Futurama movie is coming out?

2) Do you like the Hypnotoad?

3) Which Religion is the correct one?

Hooray! Multiple questions!

1) Why, it's already out. I guess I should have answered this earlier, I should.

2) Not usually, although whenever he's around or on the television I seem to love the guy. This I cannot explain.

3) It's a toss up between Oprahism and the Jenova's Witnesses.

Willie Taylor asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg,

I have five qeustions for you.

1.What is your favourite food?

2.How many patients have you had?

3.What is your species called?

4.What is the most common problem you encounter in your job?

5.What would you like to eat,a badger or a racoon??

Oooh, more multiples of questions! And a picture of two sandwiches too!

1) Whichever food I'm eating at the time. If they weren't extinct, I'd say anchovies.

2) Oh, thousands and thousands. And in a few cases, they sometimes even get to come back.

3) Decapodians, aka The Sons of the Sand

4) Patients reaching the expiration date early.

5) I usually prefer racoons, simply because they don't fight back as much.

Madeline Yee asks:

Dear Dr. Z

Hi Dr. Z! I have 3 questions for you:

1. Did you ever meet your parents?

2. How is everyone at Planet Express?

3. Where do you live?

For hopefully answering my questions, here is food:

Food! Delicious food!

1) No. Unfortunately, because of how our species reproduce, I never got to meet my parents.

2) Fry appears to be mindlessly happy, Leela seems grouchy, Bender is rather apathetic, the Professor has mood swings, Hermes is flat out with paperwork, and Amy keeps falling over. Standard day so far.

3) As I stated in an earlier question, I live in the dumpster behind Planet Express. Don't get the wrong idea though, it's actually a fairly nice dumpster. The only downside is if I'm away and Nibbler manages to get in there and eat any new contents before I do.

Madeline Yee asks for a second time:

Dear Dr. Z

Are Decapodians pretty much at peace with Earth right now?

We have a non-aggression pact at the moment. Basically, we don't attack them, and they don't eat us.

Do you ever wish that you had more friends?

Yes. I'd rather have more FOOD, but more friends would be good too.

What happened after Hermes chased after you in "Bender's Big Score"?

The scene changed, so nobody knows. Not even me.

Are you sad?

Only when people ask me. *Bwaaaaaa! *sniffle* cry!*

Do you want some more food? If you do, I need to find more pictures first, so hold on.

Of course I do. Please do.

Does Leela love Fry or not?

Apparently she does, but just as "a friend", as she keeps putting it.

What color would you like to be?

Is invisible a colour? Because if I was that, I could steal food and nobody would notice me.

Does food make you happier?

Yes. Got any?

Are you grumpy when you don't have food?

Yes. And you don't want to see me when I'm grumpy. You wouldn't LIKE me when I'm grumpy.

Am I annoying you with all these questions?

No, no... of course not. Though, hypothetically of course, if I was annoyed, would I get more food?

What's your favorite color?

That soft pink colour that candy floss and marshmallows have.

What's Fry's favorite color?

He keeps saying that he likes the colour of Leela's eye. *groans* He's such a pathetic, lonely sap, he is!

What's Leela's favorite color?

I'm not entirely sure, but I did hear her say once she liked pummelling some ex-boyfriend of hers until he was black and blue. Sean, I think his name was. So... yeah, either black or blue, I guess.

Do you get a lot of questions?

No. And anybody who tells you I do is a fat, stinking liar, who should have their shrimp confiscated and sent to:-

Dr. John A. Zoidberg
Planet Express Offices
P.O. Box 1729, New New York
N.Y., America
Milky Way Galaxy
Quandrant B7H3
Universe A

Did you ever dye your shell a different color?

I tried painting it in the same camouflage style that the army people wear in order to make myself stealthy and unseen. It didn't work though, what with the Planet Express building not being a jungle and all.

What's your favorite food?

The food I'm eating.

What's your least favorite food?

The food somebody ELSE is eating.

Do you like wolves?

Yes. Especially with gravy and peas on the side.

Do you think I'm crazy?

I'm a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist. I'm not qualified to judge your state of mind, you nutjob.

Where did all your money go? I thought you used to be rich!

I invested all my money in Apple computers.

What happened to your brothers and sisters in "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles"?

They ceased to exist once I entered my next life stage.

Do you like my questions?

They're okay, but they're no food.

What's in Fry's locker?

Last time I was in the locker room, Fry and Bender were stuffing Cubert into it after he annoyed them. That was two weeks ago.

What's in your locker?

I have a locker?

Do you know what's going to happen to Fry in "Into The Wild Green Yonder"?

Yes. He's going to die.

What is a trachea?

Those things that human car vehicles drive around repeatedly.

Do you like "Love me dead" by Ludo?

Is that the board game guy? I don't know about the song, assuming it is a song, but I love that game. Especially when you replace the playing pieces with candy.

Are you happy with your life?

I don't know. I suppose if I were to make comparisons, I'm happier with my life than most of my patients are.

What happened to your evil twin, the blue Zoidberg?

I'm not sure, but good riddance to him! Take my shiny box, will he!

How many questions have I sent you so far?

Half as much as the amount of food that you SHOULD have sent me.

What happens to you in "Bender's Game"?

I get killed by Leela, then follow Fry around for some time. The rest I'll leave for you to watch.

What sites do you go on?

I'm a big fan of the Playbuoy website.

Do you answer every question asked?


Are you tired of my questions?

What happened to your friends back on Decapod 10?

Professor Scampo is still there, teaching medicine. Aside from that, they're all living rich full lives... being more successful than I am! *cries*

KaBoOM 444 asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

How are you?

.. In your reply to Abby Pepin's question on 14/07/08, you hypothesized that Nibbler has a black hole in his stomach. Would not said black hole consume his whole body, or does his species have some mechanism which makes them immune to their internal black hole?

Yes, the second one. *eyes shift side to side*

Also, since there seems to be no Coca Cola in the 31st century, and Coke would be green if it weren't for caramel colouring; could slurm possibly be just Coke without colouring in it?

As I understand it, Slurm actually comes from the behind of a giant worm queen. I'm not sure where your Coca Cola comes from. After doing a little research, it's quite possible that it comes from the behind of this Santa Claus character who appears to endorse it a lot.

Lastly, was your species once a sea-borne creature and eventually made its way onto dry land?

Our scientists believe so. However, our major religion, Crabothalocism, says that we were created by the God of the Sea, who originally made us as flying robot creatures, only to change us after The Great Drought was over into what we are today. The texts are highly suspect, and many suggest they've been altered over time and corrupted by the officials of the religion for profit and power. But that's pretty unlikely, don't you think?

Thanks for your time.
I've attached an adult cow to this message, it's still live, but I doubt that's much of a problem, since you have claws and all. There's also some spare bacon and a few nectarines I found laying around in the basement.

Hooray! Thank you, Zoidberg shall now feast tonight!

And that's it for another edition of "Ask Dr. Zoidberg" once again. Remember, for the small price of sending me some food, you can get free advice from a REAL, genuine doctor.

Live long and let me prosper.

- Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D.