Ask Dr. Zoidberg #2

Ask Dr. Zoidberg #3

Hello, fellow quadrapeds.

This is Zoidberg, M.D., and I have more answers to the many varying questions that have been emailed to me over the past few weeks. I hope the answers satisfy you as much as a giant sardine and salmon pizza does.

Henry Rempel asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

hi your my favorite guy on the crew how did you meet the profecer

The profecer? Hmmm...

Oh! You must mean the Professor. And by Professor, I assume you mean my old friend, Professor Scampo, as seen below:

The Professor and I met in 2992 at medical school on Decapod 10, where he was one of the professors. He was the one who taught me about the human nervous system. And he wasn't kidding either... these humans are very, very nervous people. I mean, you cut an ear off and they suddenly think you're going to take the other two as well.

Bryant Bowsher queries:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I have a question. Let's say that I have a sex addiction, how would I get over that without any help from doctors unless it is from you?

No problem. Come to me, and I'll simply surgically remove your sexual organs. No more sexual organs means no more sex, which means no sex addiction. Plus, I can probably trade them for food with that restaurant across the road. This is pure guesswork on my part though, since Decapodians can't really suffer such addictions and all.

Joanne9 sends:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Is it true that Brain Slugs can be used to remove stains in carpets?

That's partially true. But they can only remove stains in carpets that are actually made from brains. Thankfully, thanks to Mom's Friendly Carpet Consortium, over fifty percent of the carpets made since 3002 are now eighty percent brain or higher.

Anonomous ponders:

Dear Dr. Jerkberg

I saw you almost kill Fry in Clawplaugh. What were you thinking? Are you a real doctor?

Well, I was actually thinking of killing him, to be honest. But I see the error of my ways now, and Fry and I are very good friends, despite the incident. He's the only crewmember who lets me eat the delicious mushrooms that grow between his toes for example. As for me being a real doctor, I'll say that as long as you don't ask for any proof in any way shape or form, the answer is a definite "yes" from me.

Damon questions:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Will fry and liela ever have sex. Me and my friend are sad :(

First of all, sorry to hear about you and your friend being sad.

Secondly, you want to know whether Fry and Liela will ever have sex, huh? Well, I'm not sure who this Liela is, but I've never met her. You'd have to either ask Fry or Liela themselves, but I'm not sure how you could contact them. In either case, knowing humans, they probably will have sex. Whether it's with each other though, I'm not sure.

David Smith says:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

You are the coolest member of the Planet Express crew. How can I grow up to be more like you?

Three simple rules: 1) Don't follow your dreams, follow your gut. And I don't mean instinct, I mean that when your gut is telling you it wants food, listen to it. 2) Eat as much as you can at every opportunity, since you never know when you'll get to eat again. 3) Treat your friends with respect, and they'll respect you back. Or, they at least aren't as likely to kill you.

Will Neumann says:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Who on the crew do you hate?

I love each and every one of the crewmembers without exception... except one. There's nothing worse than working with a loud-mouthed, cruel, insensitive co-worker who treats you like dirt at every opportunity and belittles you in front of your fellow crewmates. I tell you, he just thinks he's better than everyone else. Not to mention all the stealing he does. Of course, I am referring to Xanthor.

That's all for the moment, my friends. Keep an eye or three out for the next batch of answers... assuming I get the questions that is.

Until then.

- Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D.