Ask Dr. Zoidberg #2

Ask Dr. Zoidberg #2

Hello, my wonderful friends!

Doctor Zoidberg here, and I have more questions that have been asked. It seems this time most of you are interested more in my personal life than anything else, but that doesn't matter... I'm happy people are interested in me for something besides my money.

Steven Gurman asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I have always wondered how do you feel about the way your fellow crew members treat you?

Sometimes they treat me a little rough, but my Great Uncle Zoid used to always say, "you've got to realise that the grass is always greener on the other side. Except when you're already on that other side, in which case the grass is far less green on the other side." I'm not sure how that relates exactly, but I just like getting any attention from them I can. Sometimes if I do something humiliating, I get scraps afterwards too.

Daniel Leicester poses:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Why do you think Hermes hates you so much?

Hermes treats me with exactly the amount of respect warranted by a stinking lobster.

Note: The contents of this message have been edited by the Planet Express outgoing mail filtering system. -- H. Conrad

Sandra Twinkle writes:

Dear Zoidy Baby

Love your work, think you are gorgeous but I was wondering where do babies come from?

Also why do you work at Planet Express? you could do sooo much better...

Stay gorgeous you hot Decapod you.

Oh my... di-did the temperature in here suddenly increase? I'm like a crayfish at Chinese New Years, I am...

Oh, yes. The questions. Ummm... well, for the first one about the babies, I assume you are referring to human babies. It is my understanding that this occurs when a human male and human female both consume a great amount of alcohol and meet at a human mating centre, otherwise known as a bar. After this they either go to a back alley, into the back of a vehicle or return to one of each other's homes whereby they mate. It is during this process that the male releases his tadpoles into the female. As I said in the first set of questions, I suspect these tadpoles are regurgitated through the mouth and transferred to the female's lower sexual organ. After doing a bit more research I also discovered it could be the other way around, as according to some of Fry's human mating video discs, the females can sometimes be seen using their mouths from the male's lower external trachea tube. If you want to learn more, I suggest these titles: Flirts Contact, Doctor Oooh!, Snakes on a Planet and Alien Res-erection.

And the reason I work at Planet Express is because the fancy hospitals won't have me. I don't know why... they seem to have some kind of reservations about an alien doctor working on humans, but I've been practicing medicine for years now. I've had more experience regarding what doesn't go where or what shouldn't be cut than any of these college boys they have. Degrees are nothing compared to experience.

Jonathan Bentley puts forth:

Dear "Doctor" Zoidberg

Having "googled" you on the " 'net", I have discovered that your medical credentials are highly questionable. Are you really licenced to practice medicine or did you find your qualifications, like most of your belongings, from a dumpster?

Hope I won't have to reveal your secret to the universe

Dr. Jonathan Bentley, M.D.

Also, since it's related, Abby Pepin had this to say:

I just want to say that you are awesome. You're my favorite doctor ever! Anyway, how did you get your medical degree? I think it may have been mentioned, but I can't remember.

Rest assured, I am fully qualified. Although I can't prove it since I lost my medical degree in a volcano, I can tell you that I got my credentials at the same place as one Dr. Phil McGraw. His qualifications have never been brought into question, so I don't think mine should either.

Online Banking tells me:

Dear Chase OnlineSM Customer

A message regarding "Updating Consumer Information" has been sent to your Secure Message Center.

To see your message: Log on to Chase Online Message Center. Once you log on, you can see your new message in the Secure Message Center.

The message will be available in your Secure Message Center until 09/22/2007.

Please do not reply to this message. In order to keep your account information private and secure, we ask that you log on to Chase Online and visit the Secure Message Center if you wish to send an additional question or require further assistance.

Thank you for being a valued Chase customer.


Banks are forever turning me away. But finally, one comes to Zoidberg and makes him a customer before he even knows about the place. Now I can put my money somewhere safe... once I withdraw it from that mysterious Bender Bank place.

Ryan Greene tells me:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

My name is Ryan Green and I am one of your biggest fans. Would you like to be one of my friends?

Of course, Ryan. But remember... you can't spell "friends" without R, I, N, D, S... so send some of them this way. Preferably bacon ones *slurp*.

Well, that completes the questions for this time. Please keep sending them. And don't forget to send some more food, or images of food... I'm so hungry.

Until next time

- Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D.