Ask Dr. Zoidberg #1

Ask Dr. Zoidberg #1

Hello, fellow bipeds!

It's me, Doctor John Zoidberg, and I am happy to see that some of you decided to ask me some questions upon first request. I am more than happy to share my knowledge with you, so without further ado, onto your questions.

Nicki Mandel asks:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

When my skin is cut, red stuff comes out, what is it?

Oh, and, what's pizza made of?

Well... that's really two questions there, so I'll tackle them one at a time.

To research your question, I had my good friend Fry come into my office where I performed a test. Upon piercing his skin, a red liquid did indeed sprout forth.Upon performing some tests and reading up on said liquid, I came across three major facts: 1) It's warm, 2) It's red, and 3) It tastes kind of salty with a smooth texture. Therefore, the answer is obvious... that liquid is none other than fresh, warm tomato soup. My guess is that professional soup makers simply add the tomato then put it in a can to complete the recipe.

For your second question, more research was required yet again. After searching the contents of some discarded pizza boxes outside the Cygnoid pizza place next door I could never get a clear answer, though cheese seemed to be a common ingredient. For me to truly discover the answer, I request that all available readers send me some pizzas so that I may... um... study them carefully. Many tests MUST be run.

I hope that helps. And thank you, Nicki, for these two wonderful pictures of food. I sent them to the Professor's printing device and ate them immediately.

Graham writes:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

Help! My site has turned all blue! I think my site has been hacked by the Blue Men! Maybe it's just that the blue has imprinted itself on my mind and made me come to that conclusion, but I'm sure that if I stare at the screen for long enough (four hours), I can see the Blue Men laughing at me. I don't want my site to appear as if it were a blue movie, so ask you humbly if you can tell me how I can fix my site? I'd send you the code, but I'm afraid that it might make you hungry and distract you from this request.

Fixing my site may get you some discarded chicken bones, a few peas that were found under the cooker, and the jelly from jellied eels left by some crazy Cockney born in Sunderland.

Yours in hope, fear and horror,


Blue, you say? I suspect that the fault lies with somebody who I have met before and is not to be trusted: the evil mirror universe Dr. Zoidberg in the blue shell! Believe me, my friend... he is an evil work of Lobstifur. Always scrounging for food... a pathetic failure of a doctor... poor and lacking any respect. He's a disgrace, I say!

There, you have your answer. Now where are those chicken bones and that jellied eels jelly?

Abby Pepin queries:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

How does Leela pilot so well having one eye and, as mentioned, no depth perception?

Well?! She flies the ship through billboards on a weekly basis. I should know, since the companies always try to charge Planet Express for the damage, and that no good Hermes always ends up taking the costs out of MY pay packet for some reason! Bah! Unfair, I say!

Anyway... if we take a look at this following image of a human eye...

... we can clearly see that it has a shiny surface and comprises of a round ball. Normally, humans have two of these, but Leela is an exception. When you have two, you can see on the Z axis as well, whereas Leela can only see in the X and Y axis. After attaching several tiny plastic toy cows to the main window of the ship and performing a test, I determined that Leela judges distance by the size of the things she sees. She only swerved away to avoid the "space cows" a few times before she realised that they were at the same distance and embarrassingly stopped.

Angela Scanlan poses:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

How was it when you went in Fry's body?

It was a marvellous experience. I learned many things, such as how the heart digested food, that McDonald's fries from the 20th Century outlast other foods in the appendix, and that, like frogs, humans produce tiny tadpoles in the two lungs between their legs. I have yet to properly witness human mating to see where they go from there and how, but I suspect they regurgitated through the mouth and transferred to the female's lower sexual organ, as some educational videos I found in Fry's locker have suggested.

Totema says:

Dear Dr. Zoidberg

I'm a huge fan of your work! However, I've always wanted to know how you seemed to have lost your teeth. I don't know if you remember this, but back when Fry first enlisted to Planet Express, you did indeed have a set of teeth, and somewhere along the line, they vanished! Please explain this!

Always keeping track of your malpractice,

Firstly, thanks for the praise, my good friend. If you ever need an operation and it's too expensive, feel free to stop on by. I'm a cheap alternative. I don't charge for things like painkillers and gassing like other doctors do... though that's mainly because I don't use either.

But, I ramble... onto your question. Yes, I did have teeth once. Unfortunately, I fell upon hard times when a certain bureaucrat decided to cut my pay... again. Starved from hunger, and not wanting to take the money I had invested in several stocks away, I decided to eat my own teeth. I had to actually borrow a set of Thompson's Teeth from the Professor to do so, but it was worth it... I managed to survive starvation for another day.

Well, that's all for now, my friends. Keep those questions coming. And don't forget the images of food.

Until next time

- Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D.